Sure, Beyonce is preggers and Gaga is a dude, but let’s talk about the most interesting part of the VMAs: the fashion.
BEYONCE (and fetus!) // gown by Lanvin
There wasn’t even an argument: nobody came close to stealing the Best Dressed label from Beyonce. Bey and Baby absolutely glowed in a flowing, red-orange one-shouldered Lanvin gown. A demure look for our Beyonce, but not without more than its fair share of bling – I mean, those earrings are just spectacular.
BEYONCE // suit by Dolce & Gabbana
SO CUTE I’M MELTING. The tux is phenomenal, with or without the bump. But I must confess, I’m really excited about this pregnancy because it means Beyonce will have to stop dying her hair this god-awful country singer blonde shade she’s been trying (and failing) to work for months.
KATY PERRY // dress by Atelier Versace, shoes by Jimmy Choo
It’s Katy Perry at the VMAs. I’d honestly be more surprised if she WEREN’T wearing a day-glo deconstructed kimono and carrying a parasol.
KATY PERRY // gown by Tom Ford
If this dress were meant for a woman with breasts, and if she got rid of that seriously stupid belt, I could confidently say that I’d love this gown. The color is great; the sleeves and collar, beautiful. But Tom Ford did not intend for a busty chick to wear this gown, and it’s clear from how poorly it fits her.
KATY PERRY //dress by Christian Dior, hat by Philip Treacy
This was part of the first post-Galliano Dior collection, which was absolutely maligned by critics because almost every single garment looked like it couldn’t be worn by anyone other than a cartoon character. But of course, Katy Perry IS a cartoon character, which is why this totally whackadoodle ensemble that would make the rest of us mere mortals look like mental patients actually WORKS on her. I mean, I’ll admit I originally mistook that hat for a block of cheese – I thought it was her very un-kosher response to Gaga’s meat dress – but I think this looks tailor-made for Katy Perry, craziness and all.
KATY PERRY // dress by Johnny Wujek for Furne One, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
Yes, Katy wore four different outfits in the span of three hours – and didn’t even perform. But I’ve got to say, this was her least inspired look of the evening. Glittering records, with her name bedazzled onto the dress? She’s got a gift for making tacky shit look good, but nobody can really work a dress with their name on it.
ADELE // dress by Burberry
A little too frumpy for such a mega-star, but Adele looked and sounded absolutely beautiful. I’m fully obsessed with her shoes and her larger-than-life hairdo, but I’d love to see her in something other than a matronly black dress. [Editor's Note: I had originally wrongly attributed this dress to Barbara Tfank instead of Burberry. Barbara Tfank designed the adorable dress Adele wore for her performance, not on the red carpet.]
ZOE SALDANA // dress by Barbara Bui, clutch by Lanvin
She just looks like she does ENORMOUS amounts of cocaine, doesn’t she? I’m obviously speculating, but come on. That’s a cokeface if I’ve ever seen one. The dress is a little dull for the event, even with a Wonder Woman cuff and shoes that don’t match.
KELLY ROWLAND // dress by Falguni & Shane Peacock, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Kelly is so fucking beautiful and so often masks it in every tacky material she can find. Your dress doesn’t need leather strips, studs, sheer black netting, gold sparkles, AND fringe that covers your nether regions in a particularly merkin-ish way, Kelly.
SELENA GOMEZ // gown by Julien Macdonald, clutch by Judith Leiber, shoes by Brian Atwood
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: MULLET SKIRTS MUST DIE. There is not a reason on earth that the front of your hemline needs to barely cover your vag, while the back drags on the floor. Also, everything about this lacy mess is just a little trampy for the girl on Justin Bieber’s arm, isn’t it?
JUSTIN BIEBER // pin by Yves Saint Laurent
First of all, I’m eighty percent sure that’s a woman’s jacket. Second, notice the snake in his hand: yes, Justin Bieber brought his pet snake to the VMAs. Third, and most hilariously, his snake’s name is Johnson, and he giggled when he announced that on the red carpet. Because Justin Bieber might be a superstar, but he is first and foremost a seventeen-year-old boy who laughs at penis jokes.
I actually think he looks chic and distinguished in those glasses, but the sneakers cancel that out completely.
JO CALDERONE, better known as LADY GAGA // jacket by Dior, t-shirt by Uniqlo, pants by Brooks Brothers
I am furious with Lady Gaga for not giving me eight thousand ridiculous outfits to blog about. Perhaps she wanted to change it up, to keep us surprised, but somehow, her Jo Calderone act felt more tired and over-done than her constantly wild wardrobe choices. Also, I read today that she wore a prosthetic penis as part of her Jo persona. So I guess technically, there was a wardrobe surprise after all.
BRITNEY SPEARS // romper by Moschino, shoes by Gina
Yes, Britney is wearing a romper with mid-calf stripper boots. Yes, we still have to tell her she looks pretty because she’s fragile and we don’t want her to shave her head and go all Britney on us again. But seriously, she looks healthy and normal and happy, and those are my sole requirements for Britney Spears. Expecting her to look stylish is – and really, always was – just a little too hopeful.
KATIE HOLMES // dress by Azzedine Alaïa, shoes by Proenza Schouler
Ugly shoes, or ugliest shoes ever? Discuss amongst yourselves.
DEMI LOVATO // dress by Mandalay, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Demi, you’re far, FAR too young to look this plastic. For the love of God, you could pass for a Kardashian.
KIM KARDASHIAN // gown by Kaufman Franco
See? It’s like Demi Lovato’s slutty, more desperate older sister!
Ew. Button your shirt.
MILEY CYRUS // gown by Roberto Cavalli
I don’t know what to do with her anymore. I can’t even point to specific things I hate – the whole thing is just kind of a disaster. Wrong for Miley, wrong for the event, wrong for a girl her age, wrong for her body type. It’s just wrong.
Looks like this are best left to the Katy Perrys of the world, but Jessie J gets a free pass, because the poor doll broke a limb and still rocked as the house musician (her awful, off-key rendition of “No Scrubs” aside). And more importantly, SHE BEDAZZLED HER CRUTCHES AND HER BOOT! Let’s be honest – is there any way to deal with pain, physical or emotional, than by getting out your bedazzler and just going to town on everything you see?
Jersey Shore stars SAMMI, DEENA, SNOOKI (in Ema Savahl) and JWOWW (in a Jovani dress & Dior shoes)
Let’s work our way through the sunless tanner and chlamydia from left to right.
Sammi: In spite of the fact that your hair extensions show increasing resemblance to a dead animal, you should look into curly hair more often.
Deena: I’m more offended by your hair and makeup here than anything I’ve seen on Jersey Shore; and for that, you should be ashamed.
Snooki: Actually, Snooks, this is probably the best you’ve ever looked. Her dress actually covers her ass, her tits look great, and she’s lost a shit-ton of weight this year. JWOWW is about a foot taller than her, but Snooki’s legs still look way better, which is tough for such a short girl. (Trust me: at five feet tall, I should know.)
JWOWW: Your addiction to plastic surgery makes me really upset, because you’re the only honest-to-god beauty on that show, and you’re completely destroying it. Seek help. And a lower hemline.
When I first saw this picture, I thought she was the lovechild of a mad lesbian threeway between Lady Gaga, Kat Von Dee, and Amy Winehouse. Also, I’ve been staring at this photo for days, and I only just realized that her bedazzled minidress has pictures of Mickey Mouse all over it. I don’t even know what to do with this information.
NICKI MINAJ // bustier by Amato Couture, shorts by Shojotomo, stockings by Tsimori Chisato
I hate everything – literally, everything – about Nicki Minaj. I know the VMAs might resemble a slumber party on acid, but that doesn’t mean you have to dress that way.