Yes, that is J.Lo flying through the air, supported by a shirtless mermaid drag queen on stilts.
I can support the bottom half of the dress – it’s a standard, beautiful gown in an obnoxious pink, which suits Katy perfectly. But the slutty Judy Jetson top and that truly terrifying hair? On the fugly scale of 0 (Emma Watson’s wardrobe) to 10 (Chloe Sevigny’s wardrobe), this is breaking the goddamn scale.
JENNIFER LOPEZ // gown by Giambattista Valli
J.Lo, you can get mood lighting and look intense and play with your giant fabric wings all you want, but you’re still no Florence Welch.
There’s a man wearing only sleeves and a mermaid skirt and stilts, swinging a bedazzled 42-year-old recently divorced pop star through the air. But can anyone explain why she felt the need to copy Britney’s bejeweled nude bodysuit of olden days?
This is sort of terrifying, but I must admit, I bow down to those shoes.
Is it just me, or is Nicki wearing jeans, a T-shirt, and sneakers, just covered in aluminum foil armor? This is like a Halloween costume you made while wasted ten minutes before you left for the party. It’s tragic.
No, wait – this is tragic. Fire everyone around you, Kelly. Whatever they said or did that got you to leave the house in this dress, it was a LIE.
CHRISTINA AGUILERA // dress by Herve Leger
I’m not sure whether to be more nervous that her nipples or her scrotum are about to pop out. She looks like an albino Snooki.
I dig the jacket, actually. Thumbs up to the Biebs.
I retract everything I just said, and insert: YELLOW AND BLACK ZEBRA STRIPED LEGGINGS AND A CHEETAH PRINT “SEXY AND I KNOW IT” CUTOFF TEE. I think I laughed for about ten minutes when I first saw this photo. So thank you, Justin, for bringing that into my life.
JULIE BOWEN with SARAH HYLAND // Sarah’s dress by Nikki Rich, shoes by Brian Atwood
Ok, Sarah Hyland’s presenting, not performing, but she changed dresses for the occasion, so we get to judge her. I think this dress is way nicer than her red carpet look (see them all!). The colors and prints are lovely, it fits her relatively well (at least around the bust, if not the waist and tummy), and it’s actually not something I’ve seen a hundred times before.
Surprisingly understated and chic, but we’ve seen Jennifer in very similar dresses before. Still, a nice color and shape on her, at least in this lighting. And unlike some nipple-beaded, Judy Jetson-ed peers, she managed to still look – gasp! – normal.
You haven’t lived until you’ve seen the AMAs red carpet, my dear readers.