ADELE // gown by Giorgio Armani
Beautiful in glittering black Giorgio Armani, Adele looked demure and beautiful, curvy and sexy and romantic and feminine and all the other fabulous words you can think of. The blonde hair was fun (though I think a deep red is better on her), the makeup was flawless, and she was positively glowing with humility and excitement the whole night. In a sea of attention whores and overrated hacks resorting to cheap gimmicks, Adele is a breath of fresh air.
That eye makeup is PHENOMENAL. Up close, the blonde hair is even lovelier on her. And nobody deserves to be in massive diamond earrings holding more Grammys than she can carry more than Adele.
KINGS OF LEON // suits by Gucci
I couldn’t name you more than one song by this band, but I can say that these were the best-dressed gentlemen on the red carpet. Look at those Gucci suits! Absolutely flawless. It seems every man wears their suit pants too long or too short, except for these boys, whose mama raised them to rock formal attire appropriately. That brown suit in the middle really is fantastic.
CORINNE BAILEY RAE // dress by Christian Siriano, shoes by Christian Siriano for Payless
I have a feeling this won’t be a popular opinion, but I loved this look. The Christian Siriano dress is beautiful – it’s got his signature poofy style, but not so much that she looks like she’s getting eaten by her dress (like some of his models often look). Had it been any longer or any shorter, the proportions probably would have made this look hideous, but I think it’s perfect the way it is. The shoes wouldn’t have been my choice, but they’re interesting and they work. And the hair? I love it. When you have those gorgeous black curls that match your black ruffled dress, why wouldn’t you go crazy with it? It’d be a waste of fabulous hair not to pile it all crazy like that. It’s like a slightly more controlled Helena Bonham Carter, which probably sounds terrible, but I dig it.
TAYLOR SWIFT // gown by Zuhair Murad
The predictable news: it’s gold and shiny. But Taylor made a huge step forward in her fashion sense with this gown. Unless every sparkly princess gown she’s worn, it’s a mature silhouette with a high neck that we haven’t seen much on her before. The train is beautiful, and faithful readers know I’m not a fan of a train unless it’s perfect. As Taylor towered over teensy Ryan Seacrest and talked about her dress on the red carpet, she said that she saw the beading and handiwork on it and was just blown away; she knew right then she wanted to save it for the Grammys. Honestly, I couldn’t agree more. If Taylor and I were shopping together (as we often do, in my dreams where I force her to dress her age and stop making that godforsaken fake-surprised face everytime she wins an award), and we came across this gown, we’d have had identical reactions to it.
As my mom texted to me, “I loved Taylor’s gown, but it’s too mature for her. I’m wearing it to your wedding, and I’m 40.” I didn’t have the heart to correct her age and remind her that she did not give birth to my older sister when she was 14 – not when she already has such a glam gown picked out for my hypothetical wedding! [Editor's Note: I love you, Mom, and you don't look a day over gorgeous.] But I for one am thrilled to see Taylor embrace a more sophisticated and mature aesthetic.
CARRIE UNDERWOOD // gown by Gomez-Gracia
This was a really spectacular gown. It fit her perfectly and she fucking glowed in it. The styling isn’t my favorite, but it’s fruitless trying to tell a country star not to hairspray her bangs.
Honestly, I wish it didn’t have that strap across the back. Not to say it had to be backless, but that particular strap just isn’t sitting well with me. It breaks up the body in a weird way and pulls the focus away from the fact that the back of this gown is stunning on her.
The tie’s a little bulky, but this boy cleans up real nice. Dee-lish.
CYNDI LAUPER // ensemble by Jean Paul Gaultier
Go ahead and try to tell me that Cyndi Lauper shouldn’t fucking dress like this. She looks AMAZING. She’s still got terrific legs and tits, and that hair only works on her and Christina Aguilera in her “Dirrty” era. And the outfit is absurdly glam and divalicious, with fabulous gold and black accessories to boot. Everyone get the fuck out of Cyndi’s way.
KELLY ROWLAND // gown by Alberta Ferretti
For some reason, I can’t find a picture of her from behind, which is a shame. Because words cannot describe how incredible her ass looked in this gown. It’s beautiful, elegant, and has an old Hollywood glamour feel to it from the front. But in the back, Kelly was the Mayor of Bootytown, U.S.A. And I loved it.
KATY PERRY // gown by Elie Saab
I’ll start with the good: This is one of my favorite Elie Saab gowns, and Katy’s tits look INCREDIBLE in it. And she shows no cleavage or sideboob or really any skin of any kind, and it’s still a BOOBS dress. And her waist looks itsy-bitsy. But if you’re going to wear a blue dress with your blue hair, could you maybe match the blues? Or not do it in these particular shades of blue? Something about this feels like Katy Perry after she’s been floating in the Hudson River for a few days rather than alive and red carpet-ready Katy Perry.
WHY ARE YOUR PANTS SO SHORT?! Bruno, I count on you to be someone who dresses impeccably well but always with his own fierce style. (See: poofy hair and sunglasses, or his fabulous gold jacket he wore during his performance. Yum!) Why are you ruining it with BARE ANKLES?
FERGIE // gown by Jean Paul Gaultier, purse by Judith Leiber
I’ll give Fergie this much credit: if it hadn’t been for her decision to don the world’s largest pair of underwear, inspiring too many weak Grammy/granny panty jokes to number, I could have loved this. This color orange is rare at an event this formal, and she relaxed on the spray tan enough that it didn’t look flesh-tone on her. But she made a lot of bad choices – the big gold jewelry is a mistake. This is a dress that needs to be ALL about the dress. If you’re daring to go sheer at the Grammys, you don’t get to half-ass it and wear underwear that goes above your belly-button. On television, it looked like there was barely two inches of skin between the bottom of her bra and the top of her panty, and it was not a good look.
KELLY OSBOURNE // gown by Tony Ward
It’s a pretty dress, but it’s doing all the work here.
GWYNETH PALTROW // gown by Stella McCartney
Oh, I don’t know. Isn’t she always wearing black Stella McCartney column gowns with cut-outs and gold accessories and severe hair and neutral-toned makeup? Well, clearly she and Rihanna went pre-Grammys shopping together, since…
RIHANNA // gown by Giorgio Armani, purse by Jimmy Choo, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Oof. Those roots are killing me, and if I see one more starlet’s sternum I’m going to hurl. Sure, she looked sexy as hell, but it’s a sexy woman in a sexy dress. Am I supposed to be surprised?
Girl’s got an ass that won’t quit, I’ll give her that. And take a good long look at the shoes, dear readers…
ALICIA KEYS // gown by Alexandre Vaulthier, shoes by Christian Louboutin
UH-OH! Battle of the Divas in black dresses with gold accessories and the SAME pair of Louboutins! DRAAAAMAAAA!
LADY GAGA and SIR PAUL MCCARTNEY
Gaga’s differently-abled alien sex robot outfit aside, this picture is BEYOND hilarious.
JESSIE J // gown by Julien Macdonald, purse by Lulu Guinness
Your bangs are terrible, and your aluminum foil mermaid gown is a full-on nightmare.
MIRANDA LAMBERT // gown by Pavoni
You can always count on country stars to match their hair to their dress to their skin. And you can always count on me to hate it.
MALIN AKERMAN // dress by Cushnie et Ochs, shoes by Chrissie Morris
Half-assed, poorly-styled, and not formal enough for the event. You can go formal or you can go crazy, but you can’t go boring. It’s the motherfucking Grammys.
KATE BECKINSALE // dress by Zuhair Murad, shoes by Salvatore Ferragamo
A pathetic excuse for a satin bathrobe to masquerade as a dress.
JULIANNE HOUGH // gown by Kaufmanfranco
I have never seen a more boring-looking person in my life. Which is probably why everyone said she looks like Jennifer Aniston here.
NICKI MINAJ // gown by Atelier Versace
The whole “I’m a slutty nun and my boyfriend is a priest” thing hasn’t been controversial since Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” video came out, and that was like twenty years ago. I guess that you’re going for shock value, but it’s not working, because you’re a talentless hack who’s pissed that M.I.A. got all the post-Superbowl publicity for flipping the bird, and you want to do something to piss everyone off enough to focus the media attention on you, but you’re not creative enough to think of your own controversial idea so you’ll just do a cheap decades-old Madonna rip-off that even Lady Gaga would look at and go, “Um, it’s a bit too referential, and your wig looks cheap.”