It’s time to dress Heidi. And you know what that means – the Hot Mess Express is leaving the station.
Previously: The designers ate french fries and complained about suits.
The Challenge: Can anyone take an episode seriously that begins with an extraordinarily staged scene of paparazzi swarming Heidi Klum? How about when the first words the Klum of Doom utters in the episode are, “You are probably wondering why I am wearing a trench coat today”? Or when the show’s editors felt the need to add MAGIC SPARKLES SHOOTING OUT OF HEIDI’S FINGERTIPS when she waved her hands in the air? Oh, and I almost forgot the THUNDER SOUND EFFECTS that played after her bitchy one-liners. This show has gone completely off the rails. Anyway, the already-spoiled-by-last-week’s-Creative-Arts-Emmys-red-carpet challenge was to… CREATE A RED CARPET LOOK FOR HEIDI TO WEAR TO THE CREATIVE ARTS EMMYS! Now it’s time to pretend that Heidi actually has good taste in fashion, which is kind of like pretending that Creative Arts Emmys are the actual Emmys.
The designers had a budget of $250 and one day to create something “fearless, fashion-forward, and unexpected” for the Klum. Everyone forgot to mention the trifecta of short/tight/shiny, because we’re all supposed to pretend Heidi Klum is the definition of class and high tastes. Luckily, the producers felt bad for the designers (or more accurately, Heidi didn’t want to wear any of the fabrics the designers picked out), so they had the option to go to Mood again and spend an additional $100. While the second chance at fabric helped a few designers, another day in the workroom would have helped a bit more. I know I say this every episode, but the red carpet challenge in particular should NEVER be a one-day challenge. As Zac Posen said during the runway show in a moment of truly idiotic hypocrisy, a red carpet look takes TIME. So it shouldn’t be a surprise that this runway was mostly one disaster after another.
Guest Judge: Lindsay Vonn. Who is awesome, and was a better-than-average judge, but someone with a little more red carpet experience would have made a bit more sense.
The shape is awkward, and doesn’t look like anything Heidi would wear, even if she actually had good taste. It says a lot about how terrible the rest of the looks were that the model’s bare ass was showing on the runway and Alexander STILL didn’t make the bottom three.
Overpraised bullshit, yet again. The top looks craftsy, like student work, and the back is odd, ill-fitting, and unflattering. I don’t know how many more times I can express shock and anger and dismay at the sheer volume of crack these judges must be ingesting in order to keep putting Amanda in the top three.
She looks like she’s tangled in some really beautiful bedsheets. Char made this in just a few hours, having completely nixed her previous look and fabric after her meeting with Heidi. It’s not particularly innovative or well-made, but the former was pretty much nonexistent in this episode, and the latter was nearly impossible in a single day.
This is terrible, and also kind of Heidi-appropriate, but mostly terrible. At least she attempted some sort of idea, with the tuxedo lapel situation. But Emily was also a complete idiot in this episode, complaining about the unfairness of some of the designers getting to go back to Mood. Lady, YOU COULD HAVE GONE TO MOOD TOO. You decided you needed the extra sewing time more than the extra fabric. The competition’s rules didn’t screw you over – you did that all by yourself. Now be a grown-up and deal with your decision.
FÄDE ZU GRAU
It’s so depressing that we’re still supposed to pretend Fäde isn’t the best designer here. Because he’s a quiet, nondramatic person who hunkers down and does his work, he doesn’t give enough commercial-friendly sound-bites for his designs to ever reach the top three. It’s bullshit, and I’m tired of it, because this was by far and away the best thing on this runway. Judges, Fäde isn’t just there so Heidi can have little jokes with him in German about hunters. Give him some recognition before Amanda’s head gets so big that she actually explodes.
Don’t brag about finishing your design hours early if you don’t have much of a design to begin with. This probably would have made it into my top three by default, because it’s marginally well-constructed, and that was much more than most of the designers were able to do in the time given. But there’s not a whole lot of original thought happening here, and that seems to be a recurring problem with Kini’s designs.
Korina Jessa should have been the second designer to go home instead of Kristine. She chose a sad dark green color that Heidi expressed undying hatred for, and then went to Mood and purchased ANOTHER SAD DARK GREEN COLOR. I just don’t even understand how even her sleep-addled, stressed-out brain could have thought that was a reasonable thing to do. Since she started over after the second trip to Mood, she had no time left for construction, and… it showed. Good god. The back of this gown is one of the worst things I’ve seen in this show’s 8,000 seasons.
Yeah, this was bad, but it wasn’t that far off the mark from what Heidi would wear, and at least it showed a modicum of creativity. For me, that should have been enough to save Kristine and send Jessa home instead.
Mitchell never quite managed to prove he actually has good taste (which you’d think would make him perfect for the Dress Heidi challenge), but at least he provided us with the phrase “hot mess express,” which I will be using from now until forever. This… I don’t even know what I’m looking at. How did he manage to fit so many problems into one dress? Seriously, it should take more than one day to make THIS MANY mistakes. And if midway through your design process, you have to say to yourself out loud, “She’s totally not a hooker,” well, that pretty much says it all.
NO MORE BLACK. Samantha, you are officially barred from using black fabric. I know the judges haven’t bothered to put you in the top three or bottom three, but surely SOMEONE must have told you by now that all-black looks are barely visible on television, and this is much more of a TV show than it is a fashion competition. I really think my name twin has potential, but she’s not going to get a chance to display that if she keeps hiding her designs in black fabric.
There’s a reason Sandhya’s gown looks four times as expensive as everyone else’s, and that’s because it is. You see, the producers left a little loophole in the rules – designers who didn’t elect to return to Mood could give their extra $100 to another designer. So Sandhya, entrepreneurial mind that she is, went to each of the four designers who stayed in the workroom and asked for their money. And ended up spending $450 on her second trip to Mood.
Jessa thought this was incredibly unfair, but I’m on board with Char’s reaction to Sandhya’s behavior: “How can you be mad at her for that? Go girl.” It’s not like any of the other designers even bothered to ask for the extra $100 from Kini, Emily, Amanda, and Sean (at least in the way this episode was edited). Sandhya didn’t stop anyone else from getting money – she just took advantage of everyone else’s stupidity, which is well within the rules of the competition. Of course, she also gave her competitors yet another reason to hate her, so I’m thinking the episode where every single person on the runway points to her as the person they’d eliminate is not too far away.
Oh, right, the dress – it’s a beautiful, expensive-looking fabric, but she didn’t do much with it. Again, a vast achievement considering she was one of the many designers to basically start from scratch after the second Mood trip, but still not particularly imaginative.
It’s bright, it doesn’t look like everything else on the runway, and it’s got some movement. I understand why this won, even though I’d have chosen Fäde’s for the top spot. But maybe that’s just because I already blogged about this dress last week, when Heidi wore it, which I still think is a scheduling fuck-up that someone must have gotten fired for. My main problem with this was that the judges kept calling it ombre, which it really isn’t. Fäde’s gown was ombre. This is blue fringe on top of black fringe. But that was the least crack-induced remark of the episode, so I suppose I’ll have to let it go.
Judges’ Top 3: Sean, Kini, Amanda
Diva’s Top 3: Fäde, Sean, Kini
Judges’ Bottom 3: Korina, Kristine & Mitchell
Diva’s Top 3: Kristine, Korina & Mitchell
Next time: The designers create wedding dresses and hilarity is sure to ensure in S13 E06 – It’s a Nice Day for a Rock Wedding.