New York Fashion Week is long gone, but I’ve been in tech week for a law school musical and haven’t had time to sleep, let alone blog. But better late than never, dear readers: It’s judging time.
Welcome back to the future of the red carpet. Let the predictions begin!
Embrace Monday with a healthy amount of judgment and your daily recommended intake of fabulous.
The past few weeks have seen several Sex and the City 2 premieres, a Glee red carpet event, and several Resort 2011 collections. So let’s make up for lost time and dive straight into the action.
Glee‘s Best and Worst
Well, it’s obvious how Quinn Fabray became the most popular girl at McKinley High (before she got knocked up and joined New Directions, of course). She is just a stunningly beautiful woman who embraces her best features. Old school Hollywood hair, contemporary but classic dress, fierce shoes, and the perfect shade of lipstick can go a long way. And I love to see ladies dropping the unnatural shade of orange and showing off their natural porcelain complexion. Maybe everybody looks better with a tan, but nobody looks better with a fake tan, and I like when starlets accept that fate and stay naturally pale. Dianna looks simply marvelous here, and I’m looking forward to seeing what else she’s got.
Heather Morris plays Brittany, everyone’s favorite dumb cheerleader. She gets all the funniest lines and she’s the best dancer on the show, with the possible exception of Other Asian. And yet, from her ankles up, you’d have know idea she’s on a hit TV show. The hair is awful – one long braid has no place on the red (or, in this case, blue) carpet, and she looks terrifyingly like she might be wearing a Bump-It. She absolutely needs a new makeup artist – the attempt at dramatic eyes just looks messy, and her lips are crying out for some color. That shapeless potato sack of a dress is a terrible color, too. But damn, those Louboutin heels are gorgeous.
Best and Worst of the Resort 2011 Collections
Tell me, does anyone really need a denim romper with cuffs and a matching denim blazer? Is there actually a market for this outfit? Is someone lounging around their apartment in their underwear, mourning the fact that they have no denim to romp in? If you are that person, just know that therapy is always an option.
This dress had me immediately captivated. Chic and simple, perfect styling – the hair, the eyes, the shoes, it’s all gorgeous, and it all serves to highlight the gorgeous textures and prints in that fabulous little dress.
I’m coining a term for this look: Mormon Chic. It’s like a cross between what Chloe Sevigny wears in real life and what she wore in the first few seasons of Big Love, back when they actually dressed her like she grew up on the compound. It’s prairie-licious and fabulous, and I love the stark contrast between that virginal white dress and the sheer black stockings and blood-red heels.
Though I think this is a little too reminiscent of designers like Christian Siriano for me to over-praise it, I love this dress. It may lack originality in its silhouette, but I think that print is gorgeous, the color is fabulous, the draping is perfect, and it’s something any woman could wear on a night out during her summer vacation.
I moaned aloud when I saw this dress. Dior may be repeating some of his old tricks, but this is still impeccably crafted, beautifully designed, and evokes emotion from the people who see it. The barbie-on-acid styling amps up the volume and kicks a bit of edge into a delicate and romantic look. This Diva would wear this gown to her wedding, if she could afford it, and if she didn’t mind looking like she fell in a bucket of Easter egg dye.
Black Lace Gone Bad
Oh, V. Cheer up. I know you must be well aware that Gossip Girl‘s death is imminent, since the show stopped making sense or appealing to any viewers quite a few months ago. But that’s no reason to take your feelings out on your wardrobe. Some helpful hints for a woman in mourning:
- A ponytail is not a hairstyle – at least, not when you’re at the premiere of Sex and the City 2.
- A scarf is not a shirt. Just because it covers your nipples does not mean it’s clothing.
- Unless you moonlight as a dancer in a 1980s New York gay bar, there’s never really a need to wear a sheer black shirt.
I could focus on the black lace tail that seems to have come lose from the rest of the dress, or the way the entire skirt seems to be made of curly human hair, or how there is some sort of Jetsons-go-to-a-funeral vibe happening with the top of this dress. But all I need to say is that this dress shows UNDERBOOB. Underboob, like jodhpurs, mermaid gowns, and body hair, HAS NO PLACE ON THE RED CARPET. Tuck that shit away. For God’s sake, it’s not even the best part of the boob.
The hair. The hair is absolutely killing me. I don’t know what’s worse: the black roots, the platinum tips, the hair extensions, or how unwashed and mentally disturbed all of it looks. And this dress is just an ornate tablecloth torn apart and sewn back together with a peephole that I fear is slowly taking over Mischa’s entire torso. And those shoes just might be the ugliest things I’ve ever seen.
Best of the Week
It’s definitely not a dress I would wear, but I respect Emma Watson’s efforts to always dress in pieces that have a one-of-a-kind feel to them. I feel like she nearly always looks impeccably put together, but more importantly, she likes to take risks and surprise people. Note how similar this dress is to Mischa’s above it – both are short white dresses with short sleeves, black detailing, and a cutout in the middle – and yet this is lightyears better than Mischa’s mess. This dress is modern and funky. The cutout just above the waist would be treacherous on a normal woman, but of course it works on Hermione’s fabulous figure. And her legs go on for days thanks to those enviable Christian Louboutin heels that I’m shocked she can even walk in. That hair color is not my favorite – I think it’s a little red for her complexion – but I commend her on a risk well taken and wish her a safe journey in those shoes.
The Worst of the Millennium
My dear readers, please don’t get overwhelmed. I know there’s a lot to take in, and that this might be very difficult for you to stomach. But let me hold your hand through this one, and I promise we will be okay.
Now, you may recognize these conical suspenders from New York Fashion Week. In fact, I called those suspenders the #1 worst look at all of Fashion Week. Special thanks to Rihanna for proving me right, as they look even stupider on her than they did in on the runway.
I’m just going to point out the fact that it seems like packing tape is keeping her cones together. I’m also now certain that Rihanna tits are fake – they can’t possibly be that round and perky when nothing is even holding them up. That’s not good genes, that’s just downright impossible.
And she has a red bowl haircut with black roots. I don’t know if I say this enough, but I’d really like her career to be over now, please.
Stay tuned: Fashion from the MTV Movie Awards and the Sex and the City premieres will be up soon!
#10: The Confused Burlesque Dancer/Office Worker
I’m going to pull a Nina Garcia and ask, “Where is this woman going?” Because to me, she’s spent a long day at the office and was late for her moonlighting job as a burlesque performer, and hastily applied enough eyeliner to appease Taylor Momsen for the next ten years, and threw on the first piece of lingerie she could find over her work clothes. Now that’s a day-to-evening look.
#9: If George Jetson and Fred Flintstone had a lovechild…
And that lovechild was an anorexic wannabe rebellious teen with a permanent bad hair day, she’d look something like this:
I know the bar is set low for the Project Runway Fashion Week collections, since they let practically everyone and their mother show a collection to amp up the suspense of who’s actually in the top three, but this is just tacky. And it wasn’t even the worst look of the Project Runway family – but we’ll get to that later.
#8: Christina Aguilera’s Farewell Tour Gown
There is something so sad about this dress. It just screams desperation. You don’t need a slit up to the bikini line, cutouts at the armpits and both sides of the body, a leopard print choker-collar, AND a blood red color. Something tells me it has a low back too, though I have no proof of that. Not to mention it’s poorly fitted (or poorly draped, or both) around the top, and even the model looks as if she knows this is her last shot at stardom. If this isn’t what Christina Aguilera wears when she’s 60 on her farewell tour, then it’s what Blake Lively will wear to the Emmys.
#7: A Reject from the Cast of Rent
Sometimes I truly wish I could be in on the meetings where these concepts are created. I just want to hear William Rast say to his team, “I know. She’ll be in baggy, unflattering cargo pants, tucked into ugly boots. And she’ll wear a grey T-shirt – but it’ll have those little shiny rhinestones that you can buy for $1 for a pack of 500! But wait, wait, she’ll also have a dead possum wrapped around one hip, and on the other side, she’ll carry a big black blanket!” And when they stare at him in silence, he’ll add, “And her beautiful strawberry blonde hair will be so overprocessed that even Britney Spears wouldn’t wear it as a wig.” [Edit: William Rast is not actually a person, it's just the name of the brand, but I was lazy and decided to just personify him instead of going into the whole Justin Timberlake/whomever else runs that line explanation. Thanks to Amy for pointing out my confusing remarks. If it helps you to imagine JTimber saying those things to his design team, feel free.]
#6: I’m Underwhelmed
Michael, Michael, Michael.
How can I believe in any of your bitchy opinions on Project Runway again, when you send a girl in a a ribbed tank, Old Navy sweatpants, possibly legwarmers, and two belts down the runway? I may never trust again.
#5: There Simply Aren’t Words
It’s a fanny pack. SHE’S WEARING A FANNY PACK. I’m going to have an aneurysm.
#4: Fix Yourself, Girl – You’ve Got a Cameltoe
I’m not sure if it’s awkward placement of strings, bad draping, or just a vagina that starts at her neck that creates such an unflattering image, but there is some serious weirdness happening in this woman’s nether regions. Factor in her $5 hair extensions and the fact that she is wearing a full-length satin jumpsuit, and I just want to weep for this poor girl who will have to take off all her clothes to pee, and whose extra-long vagina will haunt my nightmares forever.
#3: Best Actress Award
This woman should be the highest-paid model of all time. I can’t believe she can walk down the runway with such a serious face when she’s wearing Clifford the Big Red Dog’s cousin’s skin / the Drag Queen Smurf’s pajamas / what Blue from Blues Clues sees in the mirror when he’s tripping on LSD. Kudos to her.
#2: The Future of Booby Tassels
I think she’ll be the star of the sequel to The Hangover, when one of the bros wakes up next to this exotic dancer whose pants look her at least thirty pounds heavier than she actually is, and who felt the need to shield her breasts from his withering stare with cocktail napkins. Jonathan, you’re the one I actually like on the show. You look kinda like Brad from The Rachel Zoe Project, and you usually make stylish things, and you’re just a little bitchy, but in the good way. I can’t believe you’ve disappointed me so much that I genuinely hope you get kicked off the show before the finale, so that I don’t have to relive my nausea over this ensemble in a few months.
#1: Madonna meets Gothic Firefighter
Dearest readers: Next time I decide that my definition of fashion includes the world’s most cheaply made pair of vagina-high boots, Steve Urkel’s shorts, and suspenders with black cones in lieu of a shirt, please put me out of my misery.
Honorable Mention: Kim Kardashian, Fashion Designer
There was no one particular look in the Bebe/Kardashian collection that disturbed me enough to be in the top ten, but the overall collection is just one cheap, under-designed, trend-pimping, tacky piece of crap after another. I’m not sure why you wouldn’t believe that something like that could come from Kim Kardashian’s brilliant influence, but if you don’t, see for yourself.