Oscars bitching hour ain’t over yet, dear readers. Stop: glamour time.
It’s not over yet, dear readers. Stop: glamour time.
Let’s celebrate the best in British film and TV. By judging bitches.
Welcome to the SAG Awards, bitches! It’s judgment time.
Let’s get right to it.
By far the most beautiful pregnant woman I’ve ever seen, other than Heidi Klum, who is a freak of nature. The hair and makeup are flawless, and this dress is so earth goddess and yet still formal at the same time. A+, Amy!
This dress somehow showed up on Best Dressed list after Best Dressed List, and I’m still struggling to figure out why. It looks like three different dresses arbitrarily sewn together. And yes, Zoe Saldana is gorgeous, but I still can’t take her seriously because I will only remember her for her work in Center Stage. Call me nostalgic, I just want to see her being sassy to Peter Gallagher again.
A Trend Done Right
This season is full-on obsessed with gowns that match the skin tone, which I think can be a difficult look to pull off if it’s not done perfectly. But I think Ms. Anna “Fritzy” Kendrick looks incredibly beautiful. I think I love it so much because she didn’t just rely on the beautiful color to do all the work for her. She chose a particularly intricate dress (the lace embellishment towards the bottom is particularly eye-catching and stunning), and she didn’t distract from the dress with accessories that contrast that beautiful color. She went with shoes to match, and soft-colored and diamond accessories. The hair and makeup make her look angelic. So although I’m getting sick of this trend, I think she nailed it.
Let’s just say it – Cameron Diaz has looked like shit lately. She always looks like she’s far underdressed, just rolled out of bed, or put on her grandmother’s suit. it nice to see a beautiful woman in a gorgeous (albeit cliche) gown. Lay off the plastic surgery, keep dressing age-appropriately, and you’ll stay fabulous forever, Cameron.
Think of Meryl Streep
In the immortal words of Matt Rostowsky, GET IT, MERYL! She looks like she doesn’t give a shit if she wins an award or not – she’s there to have a blast, and she looks every bit the glamour queen. Kudos to Project Runway alum Chris March for another fabulous look that works like a charm on a “real” woman’s body.
As much as I love Marchesa, it is not an easy look to pull off. Nor is that color, particularly against the red carpet. And if you aren’t the most beautiful woman in the world, layers and layers of huge ruffles are probably not your best plan. I think the dress is garish and makes Farmiga look much uglier and fatter than she actually is. Vera, you’re good-looking, but you’re no couture model. So stop dressing like one.
I’m really happy Elizabeth Banks is getting the attention she deserves. I’m a huge fan of Judd Apatow’s films, but I hate that he puts such un-funny women (Kristen Bell, Katherine Heigl) in lead roles. He should just keep casting Banks in everything - she’s stunningly gorgeous and truly hilarious. This photo is proof that she’s a woman to be reckoned with. It’s difficult to find women who are beautiful, down-to-earth, funny, and well-dressed. Elizabeth Banks is a rare quadruple threat, and I hope she has a long career ahead of her of looking great and making us laugh.
This could also go in the God-Awful Colors category, especially against her orange skin. But look, it’s long and Grecian with a train and a sparkly belt! Oh, wait, that’s exactly what she wore at the NYC premiere of Nine! And what Hayden Panettiere wore to the Golden Globes three years ago! And what Jennifer Lopez wore to her birthday party! And, you know, what everybody wears to every red carpet event! If you’re going to pick a boring, redundant dress in an ugly color, just do us all a favor and stay home.
First of all, doesn’t it look like she spilled just a bit of champagne on her left breast? If you’re going to drink en route to the red carpet, wear a bib. Also, aside from the fact that basically everyone wore flesh tones (Emily Blunt, Nicole Kidman, Toni Colette, etc.), Drew’s worn this exact color before, and worn it much better. Remember this dress, one of my favorites of 2009? I loved that unique, pink/gold/mauve color. Until she wore the same exact color last night. I’m instituting a new fashion rule: If you wore it to the premiere, you can’t wear it to an awards show where you’re nominated for that same piece of work.
New Moms and Old Broads
Mirren brought her A-game in something tight, low-cut, and glitzy – all big risks for an AARP member. And she nailed the look without pulling a Madonna (trying to look half her age). Adams is 35 and pregnant and has never looked better. I generally resent the matchy-matchy accessories trend, but the color of those shoes and purse is so unique and beautiful that I’ll forgive it. And Meryl Streep’s dress is a tad boring, but she’s posing the shit out of it, and it makes her look younger than ever.
I’ve already complained excessively about my hatred for mermaid/fishtail gowns, and how people’s calves really do not need that much more room than the rest of their bodies, so let’s move onto the color. People.com calls it light gray, but it’s lavender. It’s lavender, poofy, shiny, and those sleeves are borderline puffy. The only good thing about this photo is Heidi’s truly incredible smile. Then again, if I were a German supermodel with a hit TV show and an adorable family, I’d look happy no matter what I wore, too.
Okay, I know none of you are surprised I chose her for the best dressed. But putting my obvious bias in her favor aside, she looks flawless. Most red carpet newcomers look uncomfortable and awkward (as do some oldcomers – that’s right, Sandra Bullock and Jessica Biel, I’m talking to you) on the red carpet or in couture gowns. It takes a certain kind of person and a certain amount of practice to wear a gown this fierce, and Miss New Diva on the Block is wearing it. The jewelry, hair, and make-up are all flawless, and she looks the way we all should at the awards show for our first big nomination (not to discount her Drama Desk nomination, but most people do) – a tiny bit nervous, but with excitement in the eyes and a hint of a smirk. It’s like she’s saying to the girls who teased her in middle school, I don’t know if I’ll win, but at least I’m here, bitches.