STACY KEIBLER // gown by Marchesa
I had Stacy (wearing my Fall 2012 red carpet prediction for Lea Michele) ranked as second place behind Michelle Williams until halfway through writing this post. Something in me just refused to give the Best Dressed spot to Stacy Keibler (of professional wrestling, dancing-with-the-stars-ing, and dating George Clooney fame). And then I stopped being judgmental for the wrong reasons (how you got famous) and started being judgmental for the Democracy Diva’s reasons: WHAT YOU WEAR.
And WHAT SHE WORE is fucking awesome. She’s somehow oozing sex without showing much skin at all. That kind of gown, with the rose-shaped draping hitting perfectly on her hip – that is impossible to pull off unless the fit is perfect. It’s got just the right amount of train, it’s draped in all the perfect ways to make her look like she’s dipped in gold. What a way to say, “George doesn’t need the Oscar, bitches. I AM THE OSCAR.”
MICHELLE WILLIAMS // gown by Louis Vuitton, purse by Bottega Veneta
Nothing could beat Jessica Chastain, but Michelle Williams stole my heart in this exquisite coral gown. I sort of want to murder her for the gold platforms and pink purse, which make an otherwise gorgeous gown into a Marilyn Monroe costume. We get the point, honey, but you weren’t winning that Oscar no matter what, not against Meryl’s 17th nomination and Viola Davis’s thought-it-was-a-surefire-win. And she’d look much more beautiful in a warmer, darker blonde, rather than this platinum thing. But now that she’s done working towards an Oscar for Marilyn, hopefully that will change. The pink lipstick needs to go too.
Accessories aside, this is one of the more beautiful gowns I’ve ever seen on the red carpet. That coral color really is incredible – it feels like a color we haven’t seen before, even if we have. The cinched waist is amazing on her petite figure, the peplum skirt is right on trend, and the exquisite layers show off some truly fantastic handiwork. And the necklace? A dream come true.
GWYNETH PALTROW // gown by Tom Ford
Fuck everyone who put her on a worst dressed list because she wore a cape. If you’re going to wear a cape, this is the cape to wear. She looked supremely elegant in a sort of futuristic way. The gown fit her beautifully, she brought the drama, and that diamond cuff is delectable. As is that mega-ring.
MERYL STREEP // gown and purse by Lanvin
LOVE IT. Too often Meryl seems like she’s above all these shenanigans, but she knows to pull it all out when it really counts. And clearly, it paid off. The shoes aren’t my favorite, but the clutch is fantastic and the gown is perfect for her.
EMMA STONE // gown and purse by Giambattista Valli
This was underwhelming. Emma Stone is young, but not too young to remember Nicole Kidman’s Balenciaga gown at the 2007 Oscars. It was way too referential for a star as big as Emma Stone to wear such a similar gown, particularly one that looks like it’s from Gucci’s Fall 2011 collection (as worn by Florence Welch), but isn’t. And let’s say it: you might not be able to tell in this picture, but Emma’s tits needed way more support than this dress was giving them. It’s miles too long, the bow is absurd – she’s lucky it’s a fantastic color, or I’d hate it altogether.
KRISTEN WIIG // gown by J. Mendel
It’s a wee bit underwhelming, what with the gown matching her skin, the layers of ruffly tulle being way too long on her, and the general we’ve-seen-it-before factor of this look. But Kristen is a relatively shy celeb, so I acknowledge her desire to not wear something too LOOK-AT-ME, even if I don’t understand it. What I did love was how long and lean she looked – her waist is just itsy bitsy. I loved the natural makeup and relaxed hair – it was cool California style all the way.
LESLIE MANN // gown by Roberto Cavalli, purse by Judith Leiber
I don’t know. I feel like we’ve seen this gown at every Oscars since 2001.
MILLA JOVOVICH // gown and shoes by Elie Saab, purse by Edie Parker
Congratulations on your wedding, Milla! Could you go snarl on your honeymoon and stop trying to be relevant?
VIOLA DAVIS // gown by Vera Wang
I’ll start with what I liked: The hair was fabulous. The color of this gown was 100% perfect, and the jewelry was fierce. I think the bottom of the gown, starting mid-thigh, is gorgeous (if slightly too long). But when you combine that delicate draping with the stiffness of the top of the dress, it all falls apart. The super-structured midsection is at odds with the bottom of the gown. And the gown doesn’t have a bodice so much as it has two bejeweled nipple tassels extending from the torso. She’s wearing two different dresses, neither of which work for her big tatas and broad shoulders.
SARAH HYLAND // gown by Alberta Ferretti
Jesus. Did you get hit by a fucking car on the way here? What other excuse could there be for your gown to be in such awful condition? Alberta Ferretti should sue.
CAMERON DIAZ // gown by Gucci, shoes by Salvatore Ferragamo
Mindlessly ordinary. Probably more beautiful than Cameron’s looked in a few years, but it’s hard to get excited about this beauty pageant gown.
BÉRÉNICE BEJO // gown by Elie Saab
Fire whoever told you that you could pull off that orange hair and mint green dress.
ROSE BYRNE // gown by Vivienne Westwood, purse by Chanel, shoes by Jimmy Choo
The bangs are stupid, and those platform peep-toes SO do not belong with this dress! For shame. The dress itself is fine, in a bland Jennifer Aniston kind of way.
KELLY OSBOURNE // gown by Badgley Mischka
Oh, good. The animal that lives on Kelly Osbourne’s head is turning lilac, Kelly’s lips are Barbie pink, and she’s got some sort of bedazzled seaweed all over her dress. Just what I was hoping to see on Oscar night.
BUSY PHILLIPPS // gown by Dolce & Gabbana, shoes by Brian Atwood
We know you’re only here because you’re Michelle Williams’s BFF, and that’s adorable. But if you ever try and combine a fuchsia satin peep-toe platform with a grayish-green lace gown again, beware the wrath of the Democracy Diva.
ROONEY MARA // gown by Givenchy
Seriously? After months of anticipation, an awards season of black and white and cut-outs and severe bangs and dark lips and smoky eyes… she’s giving us this? This ghost mermaid whose boobs appear to be wearing hats?