Forgive me, poodles. I just moved to a new place and just got internet today, so this Diva has not had much time for blogging. But it’s Fashion Week in gay Par-ee, so we’ve got some red carpet looks to catch up on before we hit the big time. Let’s dive in.

Repeat Winner: Prodigy Edition

Head-to-toe perfection, as per usual. I particularly love the natural makeup; too many young starlets, even if they dress well, tend to age themselves ten years with heavy makeup, but this styling lets Dakota’s youth and beauty shine. The dress is obviously to die for, but I think we need a close-up on those shoes:

Those sexy studded shoes just jumped to the top of my MUST HAVE list. (By “must have,” I of course mean “could not dream of affording.”) This outfit is the textbook definition of gritty-meets-pretty – the girl’s hair, skin, and dress are practically glowing with angelic beauty, but she throws on her studded Loubs and suddenly it’s a whole different ball game. (That’s the first and last sports reference you’ll find on this blog, kittens.)

Fugly Beyond Her Years

I’d like you all to guess how old this woman is. If I was in a bad mood, I’d probably guess 45; at my most forgiving, I’d say mid-thirties.

SHE’S TWENTY-TWO. This bitch is MY age and already looks like she’s been chasing her pack-a-day habit with a bottle of gin every night for twenty years. Let’s forget the fact that she broke one of the most important Diva Commandments: Thou shalt wear your actual dress size, not the dress size you aim to be. Other bloggers and fashion experts have wisely said, “Wear a size bigger, and you’ll look a size smaller.” Certainly, this unforgivingly tight dress supports that claim. If only it supported McCord’s breasts.

Fun fact: I wikipedia-ed McCord (to find out her age), and my boyfriend Nate looked at her picture and said, “That looks like Carrot Top.” I rest my case.

Best Nobody

InStyle informs me that Clemence Poesy, who has probably the worst stage name I’ve ever heard, is one of the new stars of Gossip Girl. I stopped watching that show when the guy from Next to Normal left the girl from The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants for dead in a car crash. (I know their names, it’s just way more fun to refer to them that way.) Anyway, she needs her roots touched up, and I’m not sure her face is quite beautiful enough to be going for that fresh-faced, natural thing that Dakota Fanning nailed above, but this dress is amazing. It’s not exactly hard to wear a perfect, simple vintage Chanel dress, but she kept things neat and simple with the accessories, and I respect her for that. Even if she has a dumbass name.

[Diva’s Note: It just came to my attention (thanks, Thu) that this girl actually played Fleur in the Harry Potter movies! Something I totally should have known, but what can I do, kittens? But the point is, maybe it’s not a dumbass name – it’s really just that she’s French, and has a French name, and I’m an idiot.]

First Lady Fashion

Too bad for the Canadian Prime Minister and his wife – they’d look pretty cute, if they weren’t standing next to such a fabulous looking couple. Sorry, Canada, but you lose even in this photo, as it is clear that Americans have infinitely better fashion sense. Our First Lady looks truly amazing here – we all know it’s not easy to wear a white dress outside your wedding day, but Michelle not only nails it, but pairs it with great shoes, a fabulous bracelet, and her most flattering hairstyle to date. Not to mention that her arms, legs, and yes, FLOTUS cleavage look simply spectacular.

Repeat Offender

Well. Everything about this is terrible. Actually, to be fair, that tuxedo jacket would be fierce with a t-shirt and a pair of skinny jeans, but this… this is worse than Jada’s Tony awards mishap. I just don’t really understand what’s happening on top of her head, but I know it’s giving me a migraine.

Risks That Pay Off

Kudos to Claire Danes – this is definitely not a dress that the average woman, or even the average Hollywood woman, can pull off. But I think she’s absolutely glowing in this fabulous Zac Posen mixed print. It could have come off as costumey or even clownish, but Claire nails it, proving that a great smile makes every outfit even more fabulous.

Underage Stripper of the Week

The photo on the left, though it should disturb me, unfortunately is not a surprise. It’s downright tame for Momsen, and actually would make a pretty fantastic Rocky Horror costume.

But the shoes, my friends. The shoes. Clear platform shoes. With actually dollar bills in them. AND THE SHOES SAY “TIPS” ON THEM. I mean, the girl is sixteen – shouldn’t that be illegal?

Best and Worst: Most Surprising Makeovers

I never dreamed I would say this, but K-Stew looks pretty fucking awesome right now. The new hair color is doing wonders for her. Usually when someone dyes their hair an entirely new color, it looks completely unnatural, but this feels so much more natural than her nearly-black hair did. The highlights frame her face beautifully, and I think the short hair is working for her as well. Not to mention the fact that she’s wearing a killer dress and fabulous heels (Brian Atwood shoes, to be exact). For once, her pale skin looks like beautiful porcelain instead of deathly ill. And those legs? Goodbye, knobbly knees; hello, supermodel. (Well, not quite. But in the immortal words of Whitney Fetterhoff, she’s got one hell of a set of getaway sticks.) And although she’s not smiling in this picture, she also doesn’t look like she wants to kill anyone, and has clearly been making an effort to not look so fucking miserable lately. I don’t know if the Eclipse producers picked a hot new stylist for her to drum up even more press about the film, but big hugs to whoever made this look happen. Let’s hope it stays.

Again, something I thought I’d never say: Heidi Klum isn’t looking so great, guys. Her new haircut fully sucks. It’s like if a scissor-happy kindergartener went to town on Anna Wintour’s bob. I guess the choppiness of it is a look, but it just looks sloppy, not chic. And it ages her about a decade – as does the skirt, which could be worn during Klum’s gynecologist appointment, as it provides such easy access. Heidi is a gorgeous woman with killer legs, but a slit that high does favors to absolutely no one.

Best Street Fashion: Diva’s Pick

Recently, someone asked me what I’d wear every day if I could wear anything. I told them it was cocktail dresses with sneakers, but clearly I was wrong. Because this, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly what I would wear to walk around the city. A vintage sundress, hipster sunglasses, my signature messy bun, and the perfect pair of heels. I’ve never seen such effortless fashion before – I actually can’t stop looking at this picture. I think the lipstick matching the shoes is what really seals the deal for me. Never-ending kudos to Drew for wearing this casually around the West Village. I envy you.