I’m the first to admit that I don’t even remotely care about football. The game starts in half an hour, and I honestly don’t know who is playing. (The Colts? Is that a thing?) So today, I’ll be liveblogging the real show – the Superbowl commercials! (And the halftime show as well.)

According to my roommate Jill, this game involves Kendra’s (of Playboy bunny fame) husband Hank vs. Kim Kardashian’s beau Reggie. It’s the battle of the E! stars that you’re ashamed to admit you’re kind of obsessed with. So if I do any game analysis, it will obviously be from that angle.

Check back here once the game starts!

6:40 pm: Forgot I was supposed to be liveblogging. Sorry ’bout it.

6:42 pm: BETTY WHITE GETTING DOWN AND DIRTY! Full on laughter from the whole room at that Snickers commercial.

6:43: Pam & Tim’s Focus on the Family commercial is awful. Somehow that violence offended me more than people beating the shit out of Betty White.

6:45: A low-budget Superbowl Shuffle commercial that’s trying way too hard.

6:46: A dog just stole his owner’s Doritos. I approve.

6:51: Russel Crowe could play every character on earth, but he’s still just playing Gladiator over and over again.

6:52: Amazingly adorable black baby slapping a man in the face for taking his Doritos. So far, Doritos are the epic winners.

6:53: Bud Light’s doing great, with scientists making out with each other. This is what GW Engineering parties must look like.

6:53: The NCIS commercial also has people slapping each other. I’m sensing a theme tonight.

7:02: The Simpsons commercial – not sure where this is going yet. Ah, Coca Cola. I think this is a little stupid, but I never really got into the Simpsons.

7:03: Lesbian porn commercial. (AKA GoDaddy.com)

7:05: Autotune Bud Light! And T-pain makes a cameo. Phenomenally hilarious. Looks like it’ll be Bud Light vs. Doritos for the best commercials.

7:06: Was that a beaver playing the violin? I disapprove.

7:08: A bunch of bros driving around with a whale in their car. Not too bad, Bridgestone.

7:09: Everyone in my room is now humming the Free Willy theme.

7:10: Cars.com commercial is super-boring.

7:12: Our Wingos order is finally here! Expect the blogging to be a bit slower over the next few minutes as I inhale as much chicken as humanely possible.

7:18: More violence ensues as Budweiser makes a bridge out of humans for a Bud truck to run over. Also a cute commercial about women’s heart health.

7:21: Two consecutive commercials about people who don’t wear pants. I approve.

7:26: ANOTHER Bud Light commercial that made us laugh out loud!

7:27: That’s by far the weirdest and most unnecessarily complex Dove commercial ever. Do I need to pop out three kids before I can appreciate skincare?

7:36: These “look at all the manly things I do all day” commercials are getting a little old. And kind of depressing. Dodge Charger commercial – not sure if I like it or not.

7:37: Talking flowers? That’s a new low.

7:38: CSI in Space? My roommates have never been so excited.

7:40: ALICE. IN. WONDERLAND. This looks astoundingly trippy.

7:41: The people who came up with the Groundhog Day football commercial need to be fired.

7:44: Harry Potter Park! It’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of, minus the threeway with Ron and Harry!

7:46: Okay, now I’m officially getting sick of incredibly sexist commercials where women exist only as a) shallow manipulators of men or b) lesbian porn stars.

7:48: Nothing is sadder than a dejected robot. But that was not a particularly good commercial.

7:52: We’re hoping this awesome “My Generation” commercial is for Pepsi. Nothing is like Spongebob in between clips of Sadaam Hussein. But it was actually for some random-ass mobile TV watching thing.

7:53: Guess some random weather man’s name? Really? Is this what we’re stooping to?

7:53: The dramatic chipmunk commercial would have been funny… in like 2007.

7:59: I’m actually going to enjoy the half-time show and write my quips about it when the third quarter starts.

8:02: Nope, couldn’t resist. I think you should have someone under age 8000 on stage during the halftime show.  The laser light show is awesome, but these guys are just too old. Except for their 5-year-old drummer.

8:03: Also, they’re singing a song about Teenage Wasteland. Irony. Furthermore, they’re screaming because their voices are no longer beautiful.

8:08: Well, at least they’re playing one of my favorite Who songs (“See Me, Feel Me”).

8:09: The Halftime show should never be just one band. It should be a bunch of artists, young and old, being awesome together. Lady Gaga on lead vocals for “Baba O’Reilly” would have really improved this, don’t you think?

8:12: The lights should not be better than the band.

8:29: Punchbuggie no punchbacks FTW.

8:30: No, I’m sorry, the winner is NPH holding a “CALL BARNEY STINSON” sign.

8:39: All the good commercials happened already.

8:50: Google had a cute commercial. Everything else is boring.

8:52: Sock monkey making a snow angel. I’m confused.

8:57: A lot of people joyously cheering on football teams – an NFL commercial thanking the fans. That actually made me happy.

8:59: A bunch of children pledging their allegiance to America’s debt to China. My roommate Rox: “This is…. interesting. I’m interested to see where this is going.”

9:06: Beyonce’s doing something and there are aliens and robots and zombies and shit.

9:13: This has gotten really boring for the blogstress and the readers, I’m sure. So I’m going to go look at more interesting things to blog about tomorrow. And maybe watch some big love.

Enjoy the rest of your wings, and the snow, if you’ve got it.

This is a response to Kurt Andersen’s New York Magazine story, “Is Democracy Killing Democracy?” All quotes cited are from that article.

As a political science major and an elitist snob, I feel qualified to tear apart the inaccuracies in Andersen’s humorous, entertaining, and largely ignorant attempt at political academia for non-academics in New York Magazine. Let’s dive into this mess and see what we can make of it.

Inaccuracy #1: Madison and the other founders were elitists who feared the power of the common man.

“[The founders] wanted a government run by an American elite like themselves… They wanted to make sure the mass of ordinary citizens, too easily “stimulated by some irregular passion … or misled by the artful misrepresentations” and thus prone to hysteria—like, say, the rabble who’d run amok in Boston Harbor—be kept in check.”

This is an oversimplification. It’s true that Madison did want a powerful institution that would allow the federal government to override factious passions, a policy called the Negative. But in spite of Madison’s monumental efforts in lobbying for the Negative, it did not make the final draft of the Constitution because it was considered undemocratic. So his fellow founders certainly had a conception of the rights of the people; that was why they struck down Madison’s Negative idea.

Furthermore, the Boston Harbor reference is completely inaccurate. Above all else, Madison and the founders believed that the people had the right – even the responsibility – to rebel against an unjust government that did not respect their liberty. The founders would not have wanted to crush a nonviolent protest like the Boston Tea Party; in fact, they would have regarded it as the citizen’s duty to overthrow a monarch who ignored them.

Inaccuracy #2: America is more democratic now than it used to be.

I guess it depends on how you define “democracy.” What Andersen cites as uber-democratic are things like filibustering and the power of very vocal, possibly extremist minorities to gain media coverage and attention from political elites. Andersen defines democracy by yelling; I define democracy by voting.

With respect to voting, America is no more democratic than it was fifty or a hundred or two hundred years ago. Sure, we have more access to voting than we used to, but it’s access that most people take for granted. In the supposedly historic and life-changing election of 2008, only 60% of eligible voters felt motivated enough to go to the polls. And during non-presidential elections, like the 2006 Congressional race, turnout was down to 37%. How can we be living in Andersen’s uber-democracy if so few people’s views are actually represented?

“When the Constitution was written and the Senate created, there were around 4 million people in America, or about one senator for every 150,000 people. For Congress to be as representative as it was in 1789, we’d need to elect 2,000 senators and 5,000 House members.”

This is a blatant manipulation of statistics to make a point. First of all, not all districts are the same size. If we had to redistrict in order to keep the populations in each district equal, we’d never get anything done. So some people will always have more representation than others – people in small districts have more individual power to their vote than people in large districts. Since there are huge discrepancies between district sizes, you cannot generalize a national ratio of representatives to citizens. And each senator did not represented 150,000 people – they represented the far fewer number of property-owning white Protestant males that were permitted to vote. They may speak for the entire state, but they only truly represent the views of the voters.

Inaccuracy #3: Obama was not elected as a populist, but is becoming increasingly populist.

Andersen ignores everything that happened in the two years preceding Obama’s inauguration, and claims that some of his anti-Wall Street, anti-corporate rhetoric are signs of him becoming more populist, which is not a platform that he was elected upon. Obama is not now becoming populist. He ran a full-on populist campaign! If we remember only one thing about the 2008 campaign, it’ll be the word CHANGE. Obama presented himself as the anti-Politician, the savior of a nation destroyed by over-governance and manipulation by political elites, the one trustworthy man in a sea of liars and thieves. That message was far more populist than anything he’s come out with since taking office. He wanted people to rule instead of politicians. And that makes perfect sense – it’s easy to be anti-government when someone else is in power, and you can point to them and say, “You’re fucking this up.” Once you become the government, it’s much trickier to remain anti-government.

Inaccuracy #4: The government will take loons like the modern Tea Party protesters seriously.

Andersen doesn’t think there are enough “sober designated drivers” in government who will ignore the loud populist factions in favor of a larger national purpose. He thinks the government’s kneejerk reaction to listen to whoever is loudest will reign supreme.

Say it with me, friends: It’s all about the Benjamins. Money wins elections. Politicians will listen to people with money so that they can win elections. Doesn’t matter if they’re populist, anarchist, the religious right or the bleeding heart liberals: The groups with the money will always be heard. It’s not how loud you scream – it’s how much you spend.

Inaccuracy #5: Andersen’s concluding sentence.

“When it comes to reenacting our patriotic founding story, we’d better keep choosing to play the deliberative gentlemen engaged in careful compromise more than the apoplectic vandals dressed up as Indians and throwing things overboard.”

I have so many responses to this running through my head that I can’t even single one out to explain it. My first reaction was, This doesn’t make any fucking sense. Let me try and explain all the flaws in this single sentence.

1. Why and how are we reenacting our founding story? What does he see in our nation that is trying to replicate the late 18th century? Our population has completely changed, as have our methods of electing representatives. Sure, we still use the Constitution, but I’m not sure that qualifies as reenacting our founding story. Is just electing presidents a reenactment of our founding story? Andersen, tell us what you mean!
2. What does he mean by “patriotic founding story”? They founded the country; of course they were patriotic. If they weren’t patriotic, they would have stayed in England. Or lost the war.
3. “Deliberative gentlemen engaged in careful compromise.” Who exactly is he hinting at here? Certainly not presidents like FDR and Lincoln and even Bush, who were anything but careful and made controversial decisions in order to save our nation (whether or not they were successful is another story). And certainly not presidents like Jefferson and Kennedy and Clinton, whose extramarital affairs proved that they were certainly not gentlemen. History does not remember deliberative gentlemen, and elections do not reward careful compromise. Elections reward compromise after spewing rhetoric for months; you have to first play to your dedicated party base, and then compromise in order to get anything done.
4. Um, obviously we’re not going to fill the Congress with protestors pretending to be racial minorities in order to blame their illegal protesting methods on somebody they already hate. I don’t think anybody is really worried about that happening.

And just so Andersen doesn’t think I’m too harsh on him…

Undoubtedly Factual Statement #1: “Jefferson was America’s first great free-spending, radicchio-growing, cheese-and-wine-importing, European-architecture-loving liberal.”

I can’t argue with that.

8:01 pm: Gaga’s biddies take the stage. Not sure what is happening yet, but the harmonies sound good. And she’s appeared, and she looks like the perfect lunatic that she is, and she sounds beautiful. And isn’t it refreshing to have somebody not lip-syncing for once?

8:04: Elton and Gaga on a two-sided piano. All my dreams have come true. And they’re wearing matching sparkly Elton glasses. I almost cried when they sample “Your Song.” And I love that they can see each other in between the crazy arm sculptures on the piano. That was absolutely lovely.

8:07: Consensus from the roommates: “I’m really glad that happened.”

8:08: Already sick of the Colbert shtick. But I did laugh at the Glee joke. And the Jonas Brothers joke, two minutes later. Everything in between was forgettable.

8:11: First award: Song of the Year. And first iPad reference, which everybody appreciated. Nominees: Gaga for “Poker Face” (co-written by Gaga), “Pretty Wings” by Maxwell, “Single Ladies” by Beyonce (co-written by Beyonce), “Use Somebody” written and performed by Kings of Leon, “You Belong With Me” (co-written by T. Swift). Prediction: Beyonce. Winner: Beyonce! 1/1 so far.

8:13: Beyonce is too busy putting on a really tacky outfit to accept her award. But her songwriters got cut off after about ten seconds. Come on.

8:14: JLo looks like she thinks she’s still 20. You’re not.

8:15: The cast of American Idiot takes the stage. The first girl is good by pop/rock singer standards, but not by Broadway standards. Same goes for Singers 2/3 (crazy hair/blonde hair duo).

8:16: Where is John Gallagher Jr.? He’s the only cast member that matters.

8:19: Good harmonies, but I’m still not sure I actually caught sight of my darling Johnny. I think I may have seen him in the back. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

8:25: The stars of When in Rome? Really? This is disgustingly promotional.

8:26: Second award. Best Country Album. A bunch of people I’ve never heard of, plus Keith Urban and Taylor Swift. I’m going with Taylor FTW. And she wins! She looks beautiful, but I wish she wore her hair down. She’s a beautiful girl, but her perfect hair is her best feature. I’m 2/2, if you’re keeping track.

8:28: Did anyone know Simon Baker is British? I somehow missed that. Comment from Rox: “This guy looks drunk.” Amen. And now Beyonce enters with an army of dancers.

8:29: Not to upset all my gays out there, but I’ve never been a huge fan of Beyonce. Sure, she can riff, but I don’t particularly like her voice. And I certainly don’t believe she’s particularly beautiful. And the outfit just isn’t her. It’s Rihanna.

8:31: Haireography, anyone?

8:32: “You Oughta Know” begins. Except she cuts the dirty (aka awesome) parts. She doesn’t sound good; this song is too low and not at all suited for her voice.

8:33: Now she’s humping the stage in a circle, and I think her boobs are about to pop out. I also dislike the straight blonde hair. So unnatural. But Jay-Z giving her a standing O was cute.

8:40: Seal, husband to Heidi and father to Baby Seals, introduces Pink.

8:41: She looks like a complete fool. And I’m not sure she’s singing. If she is, she has awful diction. You’re supposed to open your mouth to sing, darling. And she’s just not talented enough for these look-how-emo-I-am ballads. Stick to being a hazard to yourself.

8:43: I will say this only once: There is one Lady Gaga. Pink, you are not her. And you stole that pod choreography from Scout, Ben, and Children of Eden.

8:44: Is she peeing all over the audience? I hate this performance. She tries so hard to be innovative and out there, but she’s a complete hack, and her shit makes NO SENSE.

8:47: Best New Artist. There are no nominees I actually care about. I’m thinking MGMT might take this.

8:48: Nope, Zac Brown Band wins. They seem like nice guys, don’t they? I’m 2/3.

8:54: I absolutely hate Miley’s accent. But she looks, as me and Rox simultaneously thought, less slutty than usual.

8:56: Fergie’s rapping voice is almost as grating on my ears as her singing voice. And this song is boring. And really terrible to listen to.

8:57: Let’s lipsync a terrible song! Even better, because this one gets stuck in your head like no other.

8:58: WHY DO THEY STILL LET HER MAKE MUSIC? SHE CANNOT SING.

9:00: Nobody is paying me millions of dollars to scream the days of the week off tempo and off pitch. And if this is the future, then just kill me right now.

9:05: What is that Jonas wearing on his face? Also, the one on stage left sounds supergay. I’ve never heard of this Lady Antebellum, but so far it’s nothing particularly interesting.

9:09: I wouldn’t go out of my way to listen to them, but it was enjoyable all the same.

9:10: Best Comedy Album. I think it’s gonna be Kathy Griffin.

9:11: Not surprising – Colbert for the win. I really just don’t find him that funny. And I’m 2/4 now.

9:17: Norah Jones is beyond irrelevant.

9:18: Record of the Year. I’m going with Gaga for this one.

9:19: I think I’m the only person I know who hates Kings of Leon. There is nothing original about their sound, their song is boring, they’re not attractive, and I don’t like the lead singer’s voice. And my predictions are down to 2/5. I’m failing.

9:21: Did I just fall into the tonedeaf Tonys? Why on earth did this happen? And Jamie Foxx is not even pretending to sing.

9:23: George Clinton is loving this, which is hilarious. And the person I thought was Lady Gaga turned out to be T-Pain. Beyond that, this completely sucks. How can you pick a song that’s completely auto-tuned for a LIVE performance? I’m in pain.

9:26: I could not pick Ke$ha or Justin Bieber out of a lineup if you paid me a million dollars. I don’t even know what he does. Like, what he’s famous for doing. And Ke$ha is obnoxious just because of the dollar sign in her name.

9:32: I truly cannot listen to Katy Perry speak. Best Rock Album: I’m going with Green Day.

9:33: 3/6. Building back my respectability.

9:37: Some songs should not be screamed. “America the Beautiful” is one of them.

9:39: I’m sorry, but the Grammys are not the place to have a folky, impossible-to-listen-to jam session.

9:46: Taylor Swift takes the stage. Cute guitar, and she’s so casually dressed. She doesn’t need the gimmicks, and I love it.

9:48: Stevie Nicks!! Fabulous surprise. Their voices complement each other beautifully.

9:50: This deconstructed, banjo version of “You Belong With Me” is absolutely phenomenal. I love when Taylor does her softer voice; her tone and expression are so beautiful.

9:54: I hate the 3-D gimmick, but let’s get ready to weep for the MJ tribute.

9:57: I have a lot of problems with this so far: #1: If you don’t have 3D glasses on, this all just looks fuzzy. #2: They should have had everyone start onstage so that the song isn’t interrupted by applause six times. #3: Michael should rest in peace and everything, but he was still a pedophile. He lived a difficult life and I don’t blame him for his mental problems that led to those actions, but it’s just so creepy to have a little girl walking around by herself in a garden in the MJ tribute video. I think that’s problematic. #4: Nobody sounds particularly good except for Michael. #5: Jennifer Hudson’s bangs look beyond stupid.

10:00: That was not particularly emotional. And I’m one who is quick to cry, but I didn’t get the least bit weepy.

10:01: The kids are on stage. I take back the non-weepiness.

10:08: I like Sheryl Crow, but I’m not sure she’s deserving of nine Grammys. That seems excessive. But Bon Jovi takes the stage, and this Jersey Girl is locking it up to listen to them.

10:10: Jon really gets better looking with age. It’s astounding. He’s had really fantastic work done. But I must say, I’ve never liked “Who Says You Can’t Go Home.” I think it’s a pretty terrible song.

10:15: And his voice is clear as ever. Let’s see him nail the high notes at the end!

10:18: Rap/Sung Collaboration: I’M ON A BOAT FOR THE WIN, PLEASE!

10:19: I didn’t think that was actually going to win, but I did think “Dead and Gone” would win. So I fail on both counts. Rihanna/Jay-Z/Kanye won, and I’m 3/7.

10:24: I’m really bored. But God bless Wyclef Jean for his words about Haiti. That was the most interesting thing to happen in about 45 minutes.

10:28: As Jill just said, Andrea Bocelli’s performance was one of the best things to happen all night. And I always forget how much I like Mary J. Blige.

10:30: Snaps for Bocelli’s crazy ass high notes!

10:33: I just noticed that, accoring to the upcoming performance times, the Grammys are not ending at 11pm, as I had hoped. Just so y’all are aware, I’m not watching a minute past 11:00, because I am already bored and I’ve got work to do. So the liveblog will end before the end of the awards show, but I think you all will survive.

10:36: In the midst of a lot of boringness, now the President of Something Musical gets to give a nine hour speech about something no one cares about. Can’t the cast of Glee come onstage and perform?

10:40: Dude, nobody in that room is struggling to feed their families because of people who are illegally downloading music. Don’t even bother.

10:43: I enjoy listening to one Dave Matthews song in one sitting, but all their music sounds so much the same that I can’t take more than five minutes of them. But they do put on a nice-sounding live show.

10:46: They finally announced Lea Michele as being from Glee and Spring Awakening! It’s about time. I’m not sure why the hell she’s paired with Ricky Martin. Best female vocals: I think it’s Taylor.

10:48: I have to stop trying to outsmart the awards. Beyonce won for Halo, which is a pretty good song. But she’s wearing the 3rd awful outfit of the night. Now I’m 3/8. Yes, it’s taken them three hours to present eight awards.

10:56: I have no idea who “Maxwell” is, but I can’t handle how boring this is.

10:59: Whose idea was it to put elevator music live on the Grammys stage?

11:01: Ah, the Memoriam montage. I forgot about DJ AM’s death. This is always just a reminder of how quickly we forget.

11:03: Who got stuck sitting behind Gaga’s giant headpiece? They certainly aren’t getting their money’s worth.

11:04: I’m officially too bored to keep blogging. Sorry to end on such a lame note, but at least my red carpet recap will be up sometime tomorrow! Until then, go find something less boring than the Grammys to watch.

6:00 pm: E!’s live coverage of the red carpet begins.

6:04 pm: No one famous has arrived, which isn’t surprising, considering the awards show doesn’t actually start for two more hours. So I’m just watching Giuliana talk about herself. Kill me.

6:07: E! is showing the making of the award statues and the rolling out of the red carpet. They’re not even trying to pretend celebrities will be there anytime soon.

6:14: I hate when they show commercials in a box on the same screen as red carpet things, but it’s for Kendra and her baby, so I have to allow it. My family has a weird obsession with Kendra.

6:16: The gentleman they have interviewing Edie Falco is beyond insufferable. I don’t understand how he has a job that involves him speaking to people, let alone speaking on television. I may explode from listening to his voice.

6:22: Chris Colfer wants Julie Andrews to guest star on Glee. Don’t we all, baby doll. He looks gorgeous and he’s very well-spoken. And Asian, aka Tina, aka Jenna Ushkowitz, looks beautiful.

6:27: Betty White! What a fierce color she’s wearing. And it’s all glitzy and slutty. And she wants Neil Patrick Harris to play her in a Golden Girls remake. I wish we were friends.

6:31: Tracy Morgan is wasted. But like, wasted. He also feels the need to answer for his date, including thanking Giuliana for saying she is beautiful. I’m pretty offended, but he also said “Morgan Freeman could be my Daddy!” And I think he just said “cock.”

6:35: Carey Mulligan looks like a little boy and is boring. I’m gonna go make dumplings.

6:39: Cory Monteith of Glee knows that he is nothing compared to George Clooney. He’s a smart kid.

6:41: Christina Applegate looks like she had a weird eyelift or some bad Botox or something. She’s having a lot of trouble moving her face. Honey, get the plastic surgery done at least a few days before the show and give yourself time to heal!

6:44 Amber Riley is in the house and she looks fabulous.

6:48: If there really is a 3rd host for the Oscars, it should not be another person from 30 Rock, even though I worship Tina Fey. If they add anybody, it better be Conan.

6:57: Iiiiit’s FRITZY! Or Anna Kendrick, as she is more commonly known. She’s standing in a rather uncomfortable pose, with her arms crossed in front of her stomach, but the color of her dress is very lovely.

6:58: Tina Fey looks absolutely perfect. Great color, great fit, great hair, it’s all working for me. Until Giuliana referred to herself as a journalist in her desire to be honest about Tina’s outfit. Giuliana, get your head out of your ass. You are not a journalist. You are lucky that you’re not still working at that McDonalds.

7:01: Jane Lynch is just so likeable. Her jewelry is gorgeous, but the top of that dress is just way too much fabric for her.

7:03: Mark Salling looks quite dashing. Most people can’t be dashing in a little puffy mohawk, but Puck nails it.

7:07: Holly Hunter is so freaking tiny, with the most intense guns I’ve seen since Madonna/Kelly Ripa. I like her just because she makes Giuliani look like an awkward, fumbling giant.

7:12: Sherri Shephard’s nails are blue, fake, and shiny. I can’t even believe how tacky that is.

7:17: Kyra Sedgwick’s gown would be better suited as a bridal gown, but it is very beautiful. I would just never go for something that formal at the SAG Awards. And I’m really not a fan of her hair, especially when the camera is showing her right side.

7:19: My girl Lea Michelle is in the house. Her Malandrino gown fits her like a dream, the color is very unusual, and her hair and makeup are perfect. I can’t believe she nailed it three award shows in a row.

7:21: Julia Louis-Dreyfus looks too awkward to wear such a sexy dress. But she said the words we all know are true: “Ya gotta wear Spanx.”

7:22: “Wow, Justin. You look homeless.” – My roommate Roxie sums it perfectly. His hair is back to the 90s over-gelled afro, which is sort of funny, but sort of sad. And the beard is excessive.

7:29: Sandra Bullock’s dress is awful. Like she let her gay seven-year-old pick it out for her. Before someone stalked her, danced around in front of her house with animal fur, and ran over her husband with her car. (Rick, that was for you.)

7:33: Matthew Morrison is more charming than I could have imagined, and he looks super cute. He has a real sense of humor about himself, and still looks amazed and thankful to be where he is. I hope he doesn’t lose that.

7:35: Steve Carrell’s wife Nancy looks so lovely. I think they’re such a seemingly normal, happy couple. And apparently, he does full-frontal nudity in his upcoming movie with Tina Fey? I hope that’s real, and Nancy wasn’t just being silly.

7:41: Watching this boy swoon over Kevin Bacon is embarrassing to watch. Honey, either keep your shit together, or get a new job.

7:43: Jane Krakowski looks fine. Ironically, she does not look nearly as good as Tina Fey, who is supposed to be the Rhoda to her Mary (at least, on 30 Rock).

7:47: Gabourey Sidibe is pretty hilarious, but they’re pushing the sassy gay man/sassy black woman relationship a little too hard. We get it. It’s enough.

7:52: Colin Firth looks old.

7:55: Caught a brief glimpse of Helen Mirren. She looks absolutely unfuckingbelievable. Better than most of the 20-somethings there. That woman is a goddess.

8:00: Switching from E! to TNT for the actual show. Overall thoughts on the red carpet: I hate Giuliana and everyone who works for E!, but a lot of people looked beautiful and seemed charming.

8:05: Kate Hudson looks awful. The hair, the dress, it’s all wrong. My pick for who should win Best Actor in a Comedy: Alec Baldwin. But I’ll be happy as long as Charlie Sheen doesn’t win.

8:07: The winner is… Alec Baldwin! Do I get to take a shot now?

8:09: Diane Kruger looks perfect from the front, but I really dislike the butt rouching technique on the back. I dig her earrings, though.

8:11: Female Actor in a Comedy Series. My pick: Tina Fey, of course.

8:12: And she wins! I’m 2 for 2 so far. Also, I think I like what Anna Paquin is wearing, but I’m not sure. Tina Fey is glowing, and I love her more every day.

8:14: Tina Fey makes the first awkward/hilarious NBC/Conan Feud joke of the evening. More to come.

8:19: Everybody is freaking out over Jane Lynch. I am too. I just love to watch her speak.

8:20: The comedy montage is pretty epic. Especially because it featured Jason Segel’s “I got a surprise for you!”

8:25: Outstanding Ensemble in a Comedy. My vote: GLEE, GLEE, GLEE!

8:26: 3 for 3! Yay for Gleeeee! Every single person up there looks so beautiful.

8:28: Gabourey and Monique, you’re talking about the movie you were in. Why does it seem so obvious that you’re reading off a teleprompter?

8:29: Helen Mirren takes the stage, and my heart. Everything about her is so regal. Male Actor in a Supporting Role. My vote: I missed every single one of these films, but I heard Christoph Waltz was amazing, so I’m rooting for him.

8:31: 4/4. I’m loving this Waltz fellow. What a heartfelt speech. Also, according to Nate, his son is a Rabbi.

8:38: Felicity Huffman looks too skinny. Outstanding Female Actor in a Drama Series. I don’t watch dramas, but my vote is Glenn Close.

8:40: Ah, I got this one wrong. Julianna Margulies takes the win. I really don’t like her dress. Too much fabric, ill-fitting, and who wears velvet in LA? (Credit to Amy for that one.)

8:43: Jenna Fisher is super-cute, but I’m not crazy about that prom dress. Outstanding Male Actor in a Drama. Again, I have no point of reference for this, but I’m going with Jon Hamm.

8:45: Damn, I was actually going to say that, until I switched to Jon Hamm. But Michael C. Hall certainly deserves this.

8:46: Carey Mulligan still looks like a little boy, and I don’t like her dress.

8:48: Ensemble in a Drama. I’m sticking with Mad Men for this one.

8:50: 5/7. Mad Men FTW.

8:52: Jon Hamm alleges that the Mad Men crew is better than the Glee crew. Can they please have a rumble?

9:03: Betty White is such a rock star.

9:10: They zoomed in on John Krasinski and Ed Helms applauding Betty White. That was a pretty random choice.

9:11: Betty takes the stage, slowly but gracefully. It is very moving to see the whole audience, from Sophia Loren to George Clooney, give her a standing ovation. She’s quite a woman.

9:12: She calls Sandra Bullock plain. BETTY WHITE FTW. Bitch is still sassy as hell.

9:13: “I was only 88 last Sunday, so I’ve still got lots more to do!” And then she sort of makes a sex joke. Phenomenal.

9:14: Betty White has made two sex jokes. I am so happy.

9:20: Very much a fan of the color of Anna Kendrick’s dress. And Stanley Tucci is just such a cutie. Female Actor in a TV Movie/Miniseries. I’m calling this one for Jessica Lange.

9:22: Drew Barrymore wins! But I’m a little confused about her dress. I love how flustered she is.

9:26: Male Actor in a TV Movie/Miniseries. I’ll say Kevin Bacon.

9:28: 6/9. Kevin Bacon’s suit is a little too youthful for him, but I still love him. And that was a beautiful speech.

9:30: Sigourney Weaver can barely walk in her shoes. And I’m pretty sure she’s worn that dress to like, eight other awards shows.

9:31: A simultaneous “Ohhh,” from me and Amy when Brittany Murphy’s face appeared. Like we’d forgotten that it had really happened.

9:32: Farrah Fawcett was just beyond beautiful.

9:33: I teared up when Bea Arthur’s face came up.

9:34: And I almost lost it at Patrick Swayze. I think we all spent so much time analyzing Michael Jackson’s death that I didn’t have time to process a lot of the other ones.

9:40: Female Actor in a Supporting Role: I’m going with Mo’nique.

9:41: 7/10. I like how she’s stopping to kiss the cast and crew on the way to the stage. Her emotional intensity makes me want to cry when she’s not even saying anything sad. She just looks so astounded that she is standing up there.

9:43: Oh, look, it’s tomorrow’s worst-dressed list, and Penelope Cruz.

9:51: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Meryl Streep. Thank God. Male Actor in a Leading Role. I’m making the obvious vote for Mr. Clooney.

9:53: Jeff Bridges! You go, man. What a fun, light-hearted speech. And his wife looked so proud.

9:56: Female Actor in a Leading Role. I’m going with Gabourey.

9:57: Two fantastic weekends in a row for Ms. Bullock. I’m 7/12, but she’s 2/2.

10:00: Clooney’s up. AND HE MAKES A SEX JOKE ABOUT BETTY WHITE FOR THE WIN!

10:02: Best Ensemble. I’m going with Hurt Locker.

10:03: I wasn’t listening to the nominees and didn’t realize Inglorious was up for it. Otherwise I would’ve chosen them. But congrats, boys and Diane! I finish the night at 7/13, which isn’t bad, considering I didn’t see like any movies this year.

And we’re done! Tune in tomorrow for some red carpet photos and character assassinations. Good night, and thanks for reading!

According to a post in change.org’s Women’s Rights blog, DC police officers can arrest prostitution suspects in areas that are declared “Prostitution Free Zones.” Seems reasonable enough, right?

Apparently, cops in the District consider carrying 3 or more condoms to be proof of intent to sell sex. That’s right – you can be legally accused of prostitution in our nation’s capital if you just picked up a 3-pack of Trojans from the CVS on E Street.

I understand why governments have an interest in banning prostitution, regardless of whether you consider it a moral issue. For the preservation of public health, it’s important to place serious restrictions on sex workers to prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases and infections. In the era of AIDS, this has only become more important.

Here comes the public service announcement part of the blog post, but it’s relevant to my point: One in twenty people in the District of Columbia has HIV. DC also has the highest rate of new AIDS cases in the nation. And up to one-third of the one million Americans living with HIV do not know that they are HIV positive. (These facts are from Whitman-Walker Clinic.)

So what do these facts mean, when we consider the costs of carrying condoms in DC? These cops are encouraging sex workers in the center of the American HIV epidemic to not carry protection. In order to crack down on prostitution, which is criminalized (in part) because of its public health risks, DC is risking the health of its residents by using safe sex as proof of sex work.

Not only is it completely offensive that planning on having sex three times in the indefinite future apparently makes you a hooker, it also encourages exactly the type of dangerous behavior that anti-prostitution laws are supposed to prevent. I think there’s also an extreme-right, abstinence-only education vibe to it: Having protected sex means you’re having sex for pleasure, not procreation. And having sex for pleasure makes you a whore.

I’m not saying we should legalize prostitution, but if the government could keep a closer eye on sex workers, perhaps our law enforcers could make prostitutes more likely to use protection, and therefore less likely to worsen DC’s already horrifc epidemic. Instead, we’re relying on the illogical practices of our nation’s capital, which are much more likely to spread HIV than prevent it.

Just remember: If you were considering finding a prostitute in DC this weekend for some pre-semester shenanigans, you might want to bring your own condoms, since the government is encouraging prostitutes to not carry them. And if you’re en route to Thurston for the same sort of fun, be sure to either hide your condoms, or watch how you dress, because in your stereotypically GW shirt-without-pants outfit, UPD just might accuse you of prostitution.