Liveblogging the Superbowl, Diva Style

I’m the first to admit that I don’t even remotely care about football. The game starts in half an hour, and I honestly don’t know who is playing. (The Colts? Is that a thing?) So today, I’ll be liveblogging the real show – the Superbowl commercials! (And the halftime show as well.)

According to my roommate Jill, this game involves Kendra’s (of Playboy bunny fame) husband Hank vs. Kim Kardashian’s beau Reggie. It’s the battle of the E! stars that you’re ashamed to admit you’re kind of obsessed with. So if I do any game analysis, it will obviously be from that angle.

Check back here once the game starts!

6:40 pm: Forgot I was supposed to be liveblogging. Sorry ’bout it.

6:42 pm: BETTY WHITE GETTING DOWN AND DIRTY! Full on laughter from the whole room at that Snickers commercial.

6:43: Pam & Tim’s Focus on the Family commercial is awful. Somehow that violence offended me more than people beating the shit out of Betty White.

6:45: A low-budget Superbowl Shuffle commercial that’s trying way too hard.

6:46: A dog just stole his owner’s Doritos. I approve.

6:51: Russel Crowe could play every character on earth, but he’s still just playing Gladiator over and over again.

6:52: Amazingly adorable black baby slapping a man in the face for taking his Doritos. So far, Doritos are the epic winners.

6:53: Bud Light’s doing great, with scientists making out with each other. This is what GW Engineering parties must look like.

6:53: The NCIS commercial also has people slapping each other. I’m sensing a theme tonight.

7:02: The Simpsons commercial – not sure where this is going yet. Ah, Coca Cola. I think this is a little stupid, but I never really got into the Simpsons.

7:03: Lesbian porn commercial. (AKA GoDaddy.com)

7:05: Autotune Bud Light! And T-pain makes a cameo. Phenomenally hilarious. Looks like it’ll be Bud Light vs. Doritos for the best commercials.

7:06: Was that a beaver playing the violin? I disapprove.

7:08: A bunch of bros driving around with a whale in their car. Not too bad, Bridgestone.

7:09: Everyone in my room is now humming the Free Willy theme.

7:10: Cars.com commercial is super-boring.

7:12: Our Wingos order is finally here! Expect the blogging to be a bit slower over the next few minutes as I inhale as much chicken as humanely possible.

7:18: More violence ensues as Budweiser makes a bridge out of humans for a Bud truck to run over. Also a cute commercial about women’s heart health.

7:21: Two consecutive commercials about people who don’t wear pants. I approve.

7:26: ANOTHER Bud Light commercial that made us laugh out loud!

7:27: That’s by far the weirdest and most unnecessarily complex Dove commercial ever. Do I need to pop out three kids before I can appreciate skincare?

7:36: These “look at all the manly things I do all day” commercials are getting a little old. And kind of depressing. Dodge Charger commercial – not sure if I like it or not.

7:37: Talking flowers? That’s a new low.

7:38: CSI in Space? My roommates have never been so excited.

7:40: ALICE. IN. WONDERLAND. This looks astoundingly trippy.

7:41: The people who came up with the Groundhog Day football commercial need to be fired.

7:44: Harry Potter Park! It’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of, minus the threeway with Ron and Harry!

7:46: Okay, now I’m officially getting sick of incredibly sexist commercials where women exist only as a) shallow manipulators of men or b) lesbian porn stars.

7:48: Nothing is sadder than a dejected robot. But that was not a particularly good commercial.

7:52: We’re hoping this awesome “My Generation” commercial is for Pepsi. Nothing is like Spongebob in between clips of Sadaam Hussein. But it was actually for some random-ass mobile TV watching thing.

7:53: Guess some random weather man’s name? Really? Is this what we’re stooping to?

7:53: The dramatic chipmunk commercial would have been funny… in like 2007.

7:59: I’m actually going to enjoy the half-time show and write my quips about it when the third quarter starts.

8:02: Nope, couldn’t resist. I think you should have someone under age 8000 on stage during the halftime show.  The laser light show is awesome, but these guys are just too old. Except for their 5-year-old drummer.

8:03: Also, they’re singing a song about Teenage Wasteland. Irony. Furthermore, they’re screaming because their voices are no longer beautiful.

8:08: Well, at least they’re playing one of my favorite Who songs (“See Me, Feel Me”).

8:09: The Halftime show should never be just one band. It should be a bunch of artists, young and old, being awesome together. Lady Gaga on lead vocals for “Baba O’Reilly” would have really improved this, don’t you think?

8:12: The lights should not be better than the band.

8:29: Punchbuggie no punchbacks FTW.

8:30: No, I’m sorry, the winner is NPH holding a “CALL BARNEY STINSON” sign.

8:39: All the good commercials happened already.

8:50: Google had a cute commercial. Everything else is boring.

8:52: Sock monkey making a snow angel. I’m confused.

8:57: A lot of people joyously cheering on football teams – an NFL commercial thanking the fans. That actually made me happy.

8:59: A bunch of children pledging their allegiance to America’s debt to China. My roommate Rox: “This is…. interesting. I’m interested to see where this is going.”

9:06: Beyonce’s doing something and there are aliens and robots and zombies and shit.

9:13: This has gotten really boring for the blogstress and the readers, I’m sure. So I’m going to go look at more interesting things to blog about tomorrow. And maybe watch some big love.

Enjoy the rest of your wings, and the snow, if you’ve got it.

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