The Week in Fashion: Everything Except the Grammys

Best of Paris Fashion Week

Christian Dior Haute Couture Spring 2010

This week was an exciting one for fashion, as the haute couture collections were showed in Paris. Christian Dior’s collection had me absolutely floored. I thought every look was fascinating, and the photos from the show seem so editorial, as if they were at a photo shoot instead of on the runway, as drapery and flowers covered the background of the runway show. The above photo was my favorite, because it’s basically Princess Barbie’s wedding gown, but the dramatic styling and accessories were a unique complement to every look. Well done as usual, Miseur Dior.

Repeat Offender

One of my least favorite people, Katy Perry, wore two disturbingly ugly outfits this week, and for that, she gets this week’s Repeat Offender award.

Snooki from Jersey Shore called. She wants her tacky American Apparel dress back.

And the next time you wake up in Vegas, make sure you don’t have a drag queen Pocahontas impersonator in bed next to you. And if you do, don’t steal her dress. She’s suffered enough.

The Samantha Award

This award goes out to the person whose wardrobe looks the most like mine (if I had way more money to spend on clothes).

Michelle Williams at Sundance

A blazer, a 90s-style flowered dress, tights, boots, and unkempt hair? That’s basically my uniform. I’d have dressed up more for a Sundance film premiere, but this is something I’d wear every day of my life if I could.

You’re Not Lady Gaga

Rihanna in Viktor & Rolf

What I hate about Rihanna (besides the fact that she has no talent and yet is incredibly successful) is that she thinks she is far more beautiful than she actually is. She gets horrifically ugly haircuts and wears hideous makeup as if to say, Look how beautiful I am! I can wear this and still be beautiful! Except, she can’t. She looks like a lunatic, and she (like Jessica Biel and Sandra Bullock) looks so out of place in a couture gown because of how ungraceful she is. And now she thinks she can get away with something as out there as Viktor & Rolf? I’d just like to remind everyone out there who is not Lady Gaga: You are not Lady Gaga. You cannot carry these crazy outfits like the true zany artist that you are, because you are all full of shit and don’t know how to wear anything high fashion. Lady Gaga can pull off those crazy outfits not because she is the most beautiful woman alive, but because she’s legitimately batshit. If you are neither graceful and beautiful, nor a complete loon, don’t bother wearing these outfits. Thank you and good night.

Liveblogging the Grammy Awards

8:01 pm: Gaga’s biddies take the stage. Not sure what is happening yet, but the harmonies sound good. And she’s appeared, and she looks like the perfect lunatic that she is, and she sounds beautiful. And isn’t it refreshing to have somebody not lip-syncing for once?

8:04: Elton and Gaga on a two-sided piano. All my dreams have come true. And they’re wearing matching sparkly Elton glasses. I almost cried when they sample “Your Song.” And I love that they can see each other in between the crazy arm sculptures on the piano. That was absolutely lovely.

8:07: Consensus from the roommates: “I’m really glad that happened.”

8:08: Already sick of the Colbert shtick. But I did laugh at the Glee joke. And the Jonas Brothers joke, two minutes later. Everything in between was forgettable.

8:11: First award: Song of the Year. And first iPad reference, which everybody appreciated. Nominees: Gaga for “Poker Face” (co-written by Gaga), “Pretty Wings” by Maxwell, “Single Ladies” by Beyonce (co-written by Beyonce), “Use Somebody” written and performed by Kings of Leon, “You Belong With Me” (co-written by T. Swift). Prediction: Beyonce. Winner: Beyonce! 1/1 so far.

8:13: Beyonce is too busy putting on a really tacky outfit to accept her award. But her songwriters got cut off after about ten seconds. Come on.

8:14: JLo looks like she thinks she’s still 20. You’re not.

8:15: The cast of American Idiot takes the stage. The first girl is good by pop/rock singer standards, but not by Broadway standards. Same goes for Singers 2/3 (crazy hair/blonde hair duo).

8:16: Where is John Gallagher Jr.? He’s the only cast member that matters.

8:19: Good harmonies, but I’m still not sure I actually caught sight of my darling Johnny. I think I may have seen him in the back. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

8:25: The stars of When in Rome? Really? This is disgustingly promotional.

8:26: Second award. Best Country Album. A bunch of people I’ve never heard of, plus Keith Urban and Taylor Swift. I’m going with Taylor FTW. And she wins! She looks beautiful, but I wish she wore her hair down. She’s a beautiful girl, but her perfect hair is her best feature. I’m 2/2, if you’re keeping track.

8:28: Did anyone know Simon Baker is British? I somehow missed that. Comment from Rox: “This guy looks drunk.” Amen. And now Beyonce enters with an army of dancers.

8:29: Not to upset all my gays out there, but I’ve never been a huge fan of Beyonce. Sure, she can riff, but I don’t particularly like her voice. And I certainly don’t believe she’s particularly beautiful. And the outfit just isn’t her. It’s Rihanna.

8:31: Haireography, anyone?

8:32: “You Oughta Know” begins. Except she cuts the dirty (aka awesome) parts. She doesn’t sound good; this song is too low and not at all suited for her voice.

8:33: Now she’s humping the stage in a circle, and I think her boobs are about to pop out. I also dislike the straight blonde hair. So unnatural. But Jay-Z giving her a standing O was cute.

8:40: Seal, husband to Heidi and father to Baby Seals, introduces Pink.

8:41: She looks like a complete fool. And I’m not sure she’s singing. If she is, she has awful diction. You’re supposed to open your mouth to sing, darling. And she’s just not talented enough for these look-how-emo-I-am ballads. Stick to being a hazard to yourself.

8:43: I will say this only once: There is one Lady Gaga. Pink, you are not her. And you stole that pod choreography from Scout, Ben, and Children of Eden.

8:44: Is she peeing all over the audience? I hate this performance. She tries so hard to be innovative and out there, but she’s a complete hack, and her shit makes NO SENSE.

8:47: Best New Artist. There are no nominees I actually care about. I’m thinking MGMT might take this.

8:48: Nope, Zac Brown Band wins. They seem like nice guys, don’t they? I’m 2/3.

8:54: I absolutely hate Miley’s accent. But she looks, as me and Rox simultaneously thought, less slutty than usual.

8:56: Fergie’s rapping voice is almost as grating on my ears as her singing voice. And this song is boring. And really terrible to listen to.

8:57: Let’s lipsync a terrible song! Even better, because this one gets stuck in your head like no other.


9:00: Nobody is paying me millions of dollars to scream the days of the week off tempo and off pitch. And if this is the future, then just kill me right now.

9:05: What is that Jonas wearing on his face? Also, the one on stage left sounds supergay. I’ve never heard of this Lady Antebellum, but so far it’s nothing particularly interesting.

9:09: I wouldn’t go out of my way to listen to them, but it was enjoyable all the same.

9:10: Best Comedy Album. I think it’s gonna be Kathy Griffin.

9:11: Not surprising – Colbert for the win. I really just don’t find him that funny. And I’m 2/4 now.

9:17: Norah Jones is beyond irrelevant.

9:18: Record of the Year. I’m going with Gaga for this one.

9:19: I think I’m the only person I know who hates Kings of Leon. There is nothing original about their sound, their song is boring, they’re not attractive, and I don’t like the lead singer’s voice. And my predictions are down to 2/5. I’m failing.

9:21: Did I just fall into the tonedeaf Tonys? Why on earth did this happen? And Jamie Foxx is not even pretending to sing.

9:23: George Clinton is loving this, which is hilarious. And the person I thought was Lady Gaga turned out to be T-Pain. Beyond that, this completely sucks. How can you pick a song that’s completely auto-tuned for a LIVE performance? I’m in pain.

9:26: I could not pick Ke$ha or Justin Bieber out of a lineup if you paid me a million dollars. I don’t even know what he does. Like, what he’s famous for doing. And Ke$ha is obnoxious just because of the dollar sign in her name.

9:32: I truly cannot listen to Katy Perry speak. Best Rock Album: I’m going with Green Day.

9:33: 3/6. Building back my respectability.

9:37: Some songs should not be screamed. “America the Beautiful” is one of them.

9:39: I’m sorry, but the Grammys are not the place to have a folky, impossible-to-listen-to jam session.

9:46: Taylor Swift takes the stage. Cute guitar, and she’s so casually dressed. She doesn’t need the gimmicks, and I love it.

9:48: Stevie Nicks!! Fabulous surprise. Their voices complement each other beautifully.

9:50: This deconstructed, banjo version of “You Belong With Me” is absolutely phenomenal. I love when Taylor does her softer voice; her tone and expression are so beautiful.

9:54: I hate the 3-D gimmick, but let’s get ready to weep for the MJ tribute.

9:57: I have a lot of problems with this so far: #1: If you don’t have 3D glasses on, this all just looks fuzzy. #2: They should have had everyone start onstage so that the song isn’t interrupted by applause six times. #3: Michael should rest in peace and everything, but he was still a pedophile. He lived a difficult life and I don’t blame him for his mental problems that led to those actions, but it’s just so creepy to have a little girl walking around by herself in a garden in the MJ tribute video. I think that’s problematic. #4: Nobody sounds particularly good except for Michael. #5: Jennifer Hudson’s bangs look beyond stupid.

10:00: That was not particularly emotional. And I’m one who is quick to cry, but I didn’t get the least bit weepy.

10:01: The kids are on stage. I take back the non-weepiness.

10:08: I like Sheryl Crow, but I’m not sure she’s deserving of nine Grammys. That seems excessive. But Bon Jovi takes the stage, and this Jersey Girl is locking it up to listen to them.

10:10: Jon really gets better looking with age. It’s astounding. He’s had really fantastic work done. But I must say, I’ve never liked “Who Says You Can’t Go Home.” I think it’s a pretty terrible song.

10:15: And his voice is clear as ever. Let’s see him nail the high notes at the end!

10:18: Rap/Sung Collaboration: I’M ON A BOAT FOR THE WIN, PLEASE!

10:19: I didn’t think that was actually going to win, but I did think “Dead and Gone” would win. So I fail on both counts. Rihanna/Jay-Z/Kanye won, and I’m 3/7.

10:24: I’m really bored. But God bless Wyclef Jean for his words about Haiti. That was the most interesting thing to happen in about 45 minutes.

10:28: As Jill just said, Andrea Bocelli’s performance was one of the best things to happen all night. And I always forget how much I like Mary J. Blige.

10:30: Snaps for Bocelli’s crazy ass high notes!

10:33: I just noticed that, accoring to the upcoming performance times, the Grammys are not ending at 11pm, as I had hoped. Just so y’all are aware, I’m not watching a minute past 11:00, because I am already bored and I’ve got work to do. So the liveblog will end before the end of the awards show, but I think you all will survive.

10:36: In the midst of a lot of boringness, now the President of Something Musical gets to give a nine hour speech about something no one cares about. Can’t the cast of Glee come onstage and perform?

10:40: Dude, nobody in that room is struggling to feed their families because of people who are illegally downloading music. Don’t even bother.

10:43: I enjoy listening to one Dave Matthews song in one sitting, but all their music sounds so much the same that I can’t take more than five minutes of them. But they do put on a nice-sounding live show.

10:46: They finally announced Lea Michele as being from Glee and Spring Awakening! It’s about time. I’m not sure why the hell she’s paired with Ricky Martin. Best female vocals: I think it’s Taylor.

10:48: I have to stop trying to outsmart the awards. Beyonce won for Halo, which is a pretty good song. But she’s wearing the 3rd awful outfit of the night. Now I’m 3/8. Yes, it’s taken them three hours to present eight awards.

10:56: I have no idea who “Maxwell” is, but I can’t handle how boring this is.

10:59: Whose idea was it to put elevator music live on the Grammys stage?

11:01: Ah, the Memoriam montage. I forgot about DJ AM’s death. This is always just a reminder of how quickly we forget.

11:03: Who got stuck sitting behind Gaga’s giant headpiece? They certainly aren’t getting their money’s worth.

11:04: I’m officially too bored to keep blogging. Sorry to end on such a lame note, but at least my red carpet recap will be up sometime tomorrow! Until then, go find something less boring than the Grammys to watch.

SAG Awards Red Carpet

Perfect Outfit for a Different Event

Anna Paquin in Alexander McQueen

Ms. Paquin looks absolutely gorgeous. She pulls off the wild print wonderfully, and it showcases her fabulous body without being over-the-top. The shoes are great, the hair is perfect, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look this beautiful. But this is a bit too casual for this event. Just because it’s not the Oscars doesn’t mean people won’t go super-formal, and when they do, it makes dresses like this stick out. She 100% nailed it, but she should have just worn it to the after-party.

Worst Dressed

Sandra Bullock in Alexander McQueen

Most people are raving about this dress, but I absolutely hate it. The top is tacky (it looks like she passed out under a Christmas tree), and the rest of the dress is boring. She nearly always looks awful, but that’s no reason to call this look a winner. It’s not.

Biggest Improvements

Diane Kruger in Jason Wu

An interesting color that pops against the red carpet. Hair, makeup, and jewelry are great. The fit is terrific. And to think, she wore this hot mess just a week ago.

Tina Fey in Salvatore Ferragamo

A good choice for Fey, who usually either looks boring in black or just plain bad, like she did in this dress at the Globes. A nice (albeit unoriginal) color, cute shoes, great hair, and a simple but slightly intriguing dress. Tina, give your team a bonus for bringing you off the Worst Dressed List.

Repeat Offender

Drew Barrymore in Monique Lhuillier

Dear Drew,

A dress should have one skirt, not two. You also need to look as if you actually slept in your own bed last night; brushing your hair helps. And don’t let your stylist edit the dress so that it basically bears no resemblance to the original. Great as she may be, she’s no Monique Lhuillier. She made a dress go from gorgeous to fug. Let the designers do their job, and then maybe your stylist can stick to the basics, like remembering that you need jewelry and lipstick on the red carpet.

Best Dressed

Lea Michele in Catherine Malandrino

You can’t even call me biased for choosing her again. She looks flawless. She looks better in it than the model, she was the only person on the red carpet wearing this amazing color, she looks more confident than ever, and this was the third awards show in a row at which she looked perfect (she dazzled in black last week, and looked just as fierce the week before. There are so few people who make me think, I can’t wait to see what she wears next, but she’s one of the few.

Liveblogging the SAG Awards

6:00 pm: E!’s live coverage of the red carpet begins.

6:04 pm: No one famous has arrived, which isn’t surprising, considering the awards show doesn’t actually start for two more hours. So I’m just watching Giuliana talk about herself. Kill me.

6:07: E! is showing the making of the award statues and the rolling out of the red carpet. They’re not even trying to pretend celebrities will be there anytime soon.

6:14: I hate when they show commercials in a box on the same screen as red carpet things, but it’s for Kendra and her baby, so I have to allow it. My family has a weird obsession with Kendra.

6:16: The gentleman they have interviewing Edie Falco is beyond insufferable. I don’t understand how he has a job that involves him speaking to people, let alone speaking on television. I may explode from listening to his voice.

6:22: Chris Colfer wants Julie Andrews to guest star on Glee. Don’t we all, baby doll. He looks gorgeous and he’s very well-spoken. And Asian, aka Tina, aka Jenna Ushkowitz, looks beautiful.

6:27: Betty White! What a fierce color she’s wearing. And it’s all glitzy and slutty. And she wants Neil Patrick Harris to play her in a Golden Girls remake. I wish we were friends.

6:31: Tracy Morgan is wasted. But like, wasted. He also feels the need to answer for his date, including thanking Giuliana for saying she is beautiful. I’m pretty offended, but he also said “Morgan Freeman could be my Daddy!” And I think he just said “cock.”

6:35: Carey Mulligan looks like a little boy and is boring. I’m gonna go make dumplings.

6:39: Cory Monteith of Glee knows that he is nothing compared to George Clooney. He’s a smart kid.

6:41: Christina Applegate looks like she had a weird eyelift or some bad Botox or something. She’s having a lot of trouble moving her face. Honey, get the plastic surgery done at least a few days before the show and give yourself time to heal!

6:44 Amber Riley is in the house and she looks fabulous.

6:48: If there really is a 3rd host for the Oscars, it should not be another person from 30 Rock, even though I worship Tina Fey. If they add anybody, it better be Conan.

6:57: Iiiiit’s FRITZY! Or Anna Kendrick, as she is more commonly known. She’s standing in a rather uncomfortable pose, with her arms crossed in front of her stomach, but the color of her dress is very lovely.

6:58: Tina Fey looks absolutely perfect. Great color, great fit, great hair, it’s all working for me. Until Giuliana referred to herself as a journalist in her desire to be honest about Tina’s outfit. Giuliana, get your head out of your ass. You are not a journalist. You are lucky that you’re not still working at that McDonalds.

7:01: Jane Lynch is just so likeable. Her jewelry is gorgeous, but the top of that dress is just way too much fabric for her.

7:03: Mark Salling looks quite dashing. Most people can’t be dashing in a little puffy mohawk, but Puck nails it.

7:07: Holly Hunter is so freaking tiny, with the most intense guns I’ve seen since Madonna/Kelly Ripa. I like her just because she makes Giuliani look like an awkward, fumbling giant.

7:12: Sherri Shephard’s nails are blue, fake, and shiny. I can’t even believe how tacky that is.

7:17: Kyra Sedgwick’s gown would be better suited as a bridal gown, but it is very beautiful. I would just never go for something that formal at the SAG Awards. And I’m really not a fan of her hair, especially when the camera is showing her right side.

7:19: My girl Lea Michelle is in the house. Her Malandrino gown fits her like a dream, the color is very unusual, and her hair and makeup are perfect. I can’t believe she nailed it three award shows in a row.

7:21: Julia Louis-Dreyfus looks too awkward to wear such a sexy dress. But she said the words we all know are true: “Ya gotta wear Spanx.”

7:22: “Wow, Justin. You look homeless.” – My roommate Roxie sums it perfectly. His hair is back to the 90s over-gelled afro, which is sort of funny, but sort of sad. And the beard is excessive.

7:29: Sandra Bullock’s dress is awful. Like she let her gay seven-year-old pick it out for her. Before someone stalked her, danced around in front of her house with animal fur, and ran over her husband with her car. (Rick, that was for you.)

7:33: Matthew Morrison is more charming than I could have imagined, and he looks super cute. He has a real sense of humor about himself, and still looks amazed and thankful to be where he is. I hope he doesn’t lose that.

7:35: Steve Carrell’s wife Nancy looks so lovely. I think they’re such a seemingly normal, happy couple. And apparently, he does full-frontal nudity in his upcoming movie with Tina Fey? I hope that’s real, and Nancy wasn’t just being silly.

7:41: Watching this boy swoon over Kevin Bacon is embarrassing to watch. Honey, either keep your shit together, or get a new job.

7:43: Jane Krakowski looks fine. Ironically, she does not look nearly as good as Tina Fey, who is supposed to be the Rhoda to her Mary (at least, on 30 Rock).

7:47: Gabourey Sidibe is pretty hilarious, but they’re pushing the sassy gay man/sassy black woman relationship a little too hard. We get it. It’s enough.

7:52: Colin Firth looks old.

7:55: Caught a brief glimpse of Helen Mirren. She looks absolutely unfuckingbelievable. Better than most of the 20-somethings there. That woman is a goddess.

8:00: Switching from E! to TNT for the actual show. Overall thoughts on the red carpet: I hate Giuliana and everyone who works for E!, but a lot of people looked beautiful and seemed charming.

8:05: Kate Hudson looks awful. The hair, the dress, it’s all wrong. My pick for who should win Best Actor in a Comedy: Alec Baldwin. But I’ll be happy as long as Charlie Sheen doesn’t win.

8:07: The winner is… Alec Baldwin! Do I get to take a shot now?

8:09: Diane Kruger looks perfect from the front, but I really dislike the butt rouching technique on the back. I dig her earrings, though.

8:11: Female Actor in a Comedy Series. My pick: Tina Fey, of course.

8:12: And she wins! I’m 2 for 2 so far. Also, I think I like what Anna Paquin is wearing, but I’m not sure. Tina Fey is glowing, and I love her more every day.

8:14: Tina Fey makes the first awkward/hilarious NBC/Conan Feud joke of the evening. More to come.

8:19: Everybody is freaking out over Jane Lynch. I am too. I just love to watch her speak.

8:20: The comedy montage is pretty epic. Especially because it featured Jason Segel’s “I got a surprise for you!”

8:25: Outstanding Ensemble in a Comedy. My vote: GLEE, GLEE, GLEE!

8:26: 3 for 3! Yay for Gleeeee! Every single person up there looks so beautiful.

8:28: Gabourey and Monique, you’re talking about the movie you were in. Why does it seem so obvious that you’re reading off a teleprompter?

8:29: Helen Mirren takes the stage, and my heart. Everything about her is so regal. Male Actor in a Supporting Role. My vote: I missed every single one of these films, but I heard Christoph Waltz was amazing, so I’m rooting for him.

8:31: 4/4. I’m loving this Waltz fellow. What a heartfelt speech. Also, according to Nate, his son is a Rabbi.

8:38: Felicity Huffman looks too skinny. Outstanding Female Actor in a Drama Series. I don’t watch dramas, but my vote is Glenn Close.

8:40: Ah, I got this one wrong. Julianna Margulies takes the win. I really don’t like her dress. Too much fabric, ill-fitting, and who wears velvet in LA? (Credit to Amy for that one.)

8:43: Jenna Fisher is super-cute, but I’m not crazy about that prom dress. Outstanding Male Actor in a Drama. Again, I have no point of reference for this, but I’m going with Jon Hamm.

8:45: Damn, I was actually going to say that, until I switched to Jon Hamm. But Michael C. Hall certainly deserves this.

8:46: Carey Mulligan still looks like a little boy, and I don’t like her dress.

8:48: Ensemble in a Drama. I’m sticking with Mad Men for this one.

8:50: 5/7. Mad Men FTW.

8:52: Jon Hamm alleges that the Mad Men crew is better than the Glee crew. Can they please have a rumble?

9:03: Betty White is such a rock star.

9:10: They zoomed in on John Krasinski and Ed Helms applauding Betty White. That was a pretty random choice.

9:11: Betty takes the stage, slowly but gracefully. It is very moving to see the whole audience, from Sophia Loren to George Clooney, give her a standing ovation. She’s quite a woman.

9:12: She calls Sandra Bullock plain. BETTY WHITE FTW. Bitch is still sassy as hell.

9:13: “I was only 88 last Sunday, so I’ve still got lots more to do!” And then she sort of makes a sex joke. Phenomenal.

9:14: Betty White has made two sex jokes. I am so happy.

9:20: Very much a fan of the color of Anna Kendrick’s dress. And Stanley Tucci is just such a cutie. Female Actor in a TV Movie/Miniseries. I’m calling this one for Jessica Lange.

9:22: Drew Barrymore wins! But I’m a little confused about her dress. I love how flustered she is.

9:26: Male Actor in a TV Movie/Miniseries. I’ll say Kevin Bacon.

9:28: 6/9. Kevin Bacon’s suit is a little too youthful for him, but I still love him. And that was a beautiful speech.

9:30: Sigourney Weaver can barely walk in her shoes. And I’m pretty sure she’s worn that dress to like, eight other awards shows.

9:31: A simultaneous “Ohhh,” from me and Amy when Brittany Murphy’s face appeared. Like we’d forgotten that it had really happened.

9:32: Farrah Fawcett was just beyond beautiful.

9:33: I teared up when Bea Arthur’s face came up.

9:34: And I almost lost it at Patrick Swayze. I think we all spent so much time analyzing Michael Jackson’s death that I didn’t have time to process a lot of the other ones.

9:40: Female Actor in a Supporting Role: I’m going with Mo’nique.

9:41: 7/10. I like how she’s stopping to kiss the cast and crew on the way to the stage. Her emotional intensity makes me want to cry when she’s not even saying anything sad. She just looks so astounded that she is standing up there.

9:43: Oh, look, it’s tomorrow’s worst-dressed list, and Penelope Cruz.

9:51: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Meryl Streep. Thank God. Male Actor in a Leading Role. I’m making the obvious vote for Mr. Clooney.

9:53: Jeff Bridges! You go, man. What a fun, light-hearted speech. And his wife looked so proud.

9:56: Female Actor in a Leading Role. I’m going with Gabourey.

9:57: Two fantastic weekends in a row for Ms. Bullock. I’m 7/12, but she’s 2/2.


10:02: Best Ensemble. I’m going with Hurt Locker.

10:03: I wasn’t listening to the nominees and didn’t realize Inglorious was up for it. Otherwise I would’ve chosen them. But congrats, boys and Diane! I finish the night at 7/13, which isn’t bad, considering I didn’t see like any movies this year.

And we’re done! Tune in tomorrow for some red carpet photos and character assassinations. Good night, and thanks for reading!

The Week in Fashion: Mormons, Has-Beens, and Twins

This is the first of a new weekly series: A recap of the week in fashion (aside from big red carpet events, which are deserving of their own blog posts, of course). I’ll revive some categories week after week, but I’ll also throw in some new ones to keep y’all on your toes.

It Could Be Great, But…

Amanda Seyfried in Valentino at HBO's Golden Globes after-party

I see where this look is going, and I like the path that it’s on, but there is simply way too much happening. Here’s how I’d take this from over-the-top to perfection:

  • Those shoes would be nasty even with a simple dress, but they certainly don’t go with this ensemble. For something as complex as this outfit, stick to a basic shoe in black or ivory.
  • Keep the black lace draping and the invisible left shoulder. They’re brilliantly done, as is the old Hollywood hair and makeup.
  • Nix one of the two fabrics below the lace part. Using both looks indecisive and overwhelming.
  • The visible lines beneath the lace are interesting, if slightly off-putting. I’d keep just the vertical lines, to make her look slimmer and make the dress more wearable.

Sad Girls in Sad Outfits

Jessica Simpson at the LA premiere of Extraordinary Measures on Jan. 19

Guys, Jessica Simpson is having a rough time. She can’t hold on to a man, she can’t dress, her father makes awkward comments about her boobs, she’s untalented, and people keep ragging on her for her weight. So think of this not as a criticism, but as one girl trying to help another. God knows she needs it.

Hair and makeup actually look fantastic. Since the Tony Romo break-up, she’s been sort of wandering around LA with her hair a wreck, her roots showing, and her face swollen and puffy, like she was barely able to get off the couch and put down the pint of Ben & Jerry’s to come to that event. This is a huge turnaround for her. I mean, she still has that sadness in her eyes, but from the neck up, she looks more beautiful than she has in years.

But who are her People? You know, stylists, gay best friends, assistants, and whoever else is responsible for getting her dressed and out the door. Why did they allow this? Not that I object to all-black ensembles, but wearing three different shades of black (four, if you count the visible bra) is just unacceptable. This is one of those times when I want to remind everyone that when the cameras flash, your clothes don’t look the same as they do in your closet or when you walk out the door. And if you are hired to be on Team Jessica, it’s your job to know that, and plan accordingly.

That’s a Costume, Not a Dress

Keri Russell in Alexander McQueen at the LA premiere of Extraordinary Measures

Dear Felicity: You’re irrelevant, your shoes are ugly, and you look like you’re wearing the top half of a poorly made nun’s habit. Oh, and you have a pedosmile.

Frocks of the First Lady

Michelle Obama at the Red Cross Disaster Operations Center on Jan. 18

We’re going to wander weekly through this woman’s wardrobe, not just because she’s beautiful and fabulous, but because it’s super-easy, since she’s always out doing something, wearing something, and being photographed. Let me say first that the new bob does wonders for her. It flatters her face and makes everything she wears look more stylish. And this outfit represents everything a First Lady should: Grace, elegance, simplicity, and class. Good color, good fit, interesting and understated. Nice work, Mrs. Obama.

Best of the Week

Ashley Olsen in Erdem at the WB/InStyle Golden Globes after-party

I still can’t believe how much I love this, since I hate almost everything the Olsen twins wear. I get that boho chic is a trend some people dig, but I don’t think you always need to look like a homeless person. And it looks like Ashley finally agreed with me, when she went out in this uncharacteristically adorable dress.

I think the matchy-matchy shoes are a bit too bridesmaid, but from the ankles up, this is a perfect look. Most of the time, when the Olsens shy away from their usual garbage bag looks, they wear something insane and couture that ages them ten or fifteen years. But this dress is very youthful without sacrificing design. The color pops, and the dress has a lot of unique elements that don’t compete with each other. The bubbly skirt, the cascade of flowers, the to-the-elbow sleeves – they come off fun and kitschy instead of weird. I like the casual hair, because the color looks so great against that blue dress that it honestly doesn’t matter if she brushes it or not. And she looks shockingly fresh-faced, happy, and normal. Keep them coming, Ashley. I’d love to have more good things to say about you in the future.

Project Runway: Season 7, Episode 2

Because, let’s be honest, you value my opinion more than Heidi’s.

Kasey modeling Jay Nicholas's design

I definitely loved this and thought it deserved to be a top contender. The fact that Jay Nicholas made that fabulous bottom out of burlap still astounds me. The intentional roughness of the edges combined with the flirty and sexy shape is that true girly-meets-punk look that so many designers aim for, but so few achieve. He used texture in such an innovative way.

But from the back, the rough quality is just a little too rough. From the back, you can see that the dress doesn’t really fit in the side-boob area, and one strap is longer than the other (just long enough so that you know it wasn’t intentional). I’m all for the unfinished look, unless you actually didn’t have time to finish. For that reason, my personal winner was…

Alison modeling Amy's design

You really have to watch the video of Alison stomping down the runway to get the full effect of why this dress deserved the win. She made a potato sack flow like silk, and it was beautiful to watch. From my TV, it looked as if Amy had burned the edges of the skirt instead of dyed them, and I thought that was so unique. Now that I see the photos, the effect is much more geometric than distressed, and I still love the look. It was creative and well-constructed, two things that sadly do not often go together on Project Runway.

Now, I know many people in the blogosphere were screaming over the fact that Ping’s ass-bearing mishap did not send her home. Let’s deconstruct this hot mess, one side at a time.

Elizaveta modeling Ping's design

I keep hearing things like, “The bodice was fine,” when people are scrounging to find something defensible about this outfit. But this is how we get into the trap of keeping no-talents on the show: We compare a part of their outfit to another part of their outfit, instead of comparing their entire look to another designer’s look. Sure, when you take into account the completely disgusting bullshit happening south of Elizaveta’s waist, the bodice looks fine. But if you look at the bodice without considering the rest… it’s just awful. The brown ribbon that trims the shoulder area is uneven on the model’s right shoulder; the two ropes in the middle are slightly off-center; the neck line is a mess; it looks like it was just stepped on by a horse. And then we have the bottom, which suffers from uneven trim and that horrible stepped-on look.

Elizaveta's butt modeling Ping's design

Once again, you really need the video to get the full effect of how much booty this dress really showed. And it showed it in the least attractive way possible. Honestly, watching this hot mess was worth it for the look on Heidi’s face as it went down the runway.

In spite of Ping’s complete failure to construct any semblance of a dress, I do get where she was going with it. I think she was trying to make a Jackie O meets Cowgirl thing happen, which I respect. I appreciate a Vision, but not when it comes at this price. But in spite of it all, I think the attempt at something interesting warrants Ping staying in the competition, especially when I look at the losing design:

Sarah modeling Pamela's design

I’ve never actually seen a dress that gets worse and worse the more I look at it, but this accomplishes that amazing feat. Again, the judges tried to defend parts of it, admiring the dye work or some bullshit like that, but all of it is a nightmare – and worse yet, a nightmare with no Vision. The color changes throughout the dress, and not in a good way. The denim-and-leather look she’s trying for is about as trashy as it gets, and the saloon hooker styling isn’t helping.

Oh, sorry, I spoke too soon. THAT is as trashy as it gets. I can’t even talk how poor that construction is. All I have to say is this: If you are a shitty enough designer to make a 6 foot tall, 110 pound girl look that fat, it’s time for you to go the fuck home.

Golden Globes Red Carpet, Part Two

Repeat Offenders

Fergie in Elie Saab

This could also go in the God-Awful Colors category, especially against her orange skin. But look, it’s long and Grecian with a train and a sparkly belt! Oh, wait, that’s exactly what she wore at the NYC premiere of Nine! And what Hayden Panettiere wore to the Golden Globes three years ago! And what Jennifer Lopez wore to her birthday party! And, you know, what everybody wears to every red carpet event! If you’re going to pick a boring, redundant dress in an ugly color, just do us all a favor and stay home.

Drew Barrymore in Atelier Versace

First of all, doesn’t it look like she spilled just a bit of champagne on her left breast? If you’re going to drink en route to the red carpet, wear a bib. Also, aside from the fact that basically everyone wore flesh tones (Emily Blunt, Nicole Kidman, Toni Colette, etc.), Drew’s worn this exact color before, and worn it much better. Remember this dress, one of my favorites of 2009? I loved that unique, pink/gold/mauve color. Until she wore the same exact color last night. I’m instituting a new fashion rule: If you wore it to the premiere, you can’t wear it to an awards show where you’re nominated for that same piece of work.

New Moms and Old Broads

Helen Mirren in vintage Armani

Amy Adams in Carolina Herrera

Meryl Streep in Chris March

Mirren brought her A-game in something tight, low-cut, and glitzy – all big risks for an AARP member. And she nailed the look without pulling a Madonna (trying to look half her age). Adams is 35 and pregnant and has never looked better. I generally resent the matchy-matchy accessories trend, but the color of those shoes and purse is so unique and beautiful that I’ll forgive it. And Meryl Streep’s dress is a tad boring, but she’s posing the shit out of it, and it makes her look younger than ever.

Worst Dressed

Heidi Klum in Roberto Cavalli

I’ve already complained excessively about my hatred for mermaid/fishtail gowns, and how people’s calves really do not need that much more room than the rest of their bodies, so let’s move onto the color. calls it light gray, but it’s lavender. It’s lavender, poofy, shiny, and those sleeves are borderline puffy. The only good thing about this photo is Heidi’s truly incredible smile. Then again, if I were a German supermodel with a hit TV show and an adorable family, I’d look happy no matter what I wore, too.

Best Dressed

Lea Michele in Oscar de la Renta

Okay, I know none of you are surprised I chose her for the best dressed. But putting my obvious bias in her favor aside, she looks flawless. Most red carpet newcomers look uncomfortable and awkward (as do some oldcomers – that’s right, Sandra Bullock and Jessica Biel, I’m talking to you) on the red carpet or in couture gowns. It takes a certain kind of person and a certain amount of practice to wear a gown this fierce, and Miss New Diva on the Block is wearing it. The jewelry, hair, and make-up are all flawless, and she looks the way we all should at the awards show for our first big nomination (not to discount her Drama Desk nomination, but most people do) – a tiny bit nervous, but with excitement in the eyes and a hint of a smirk. It’s like she’s saying to the girls who teased her in middle school, I don’t know if I’ll win, but at least I’m here, bitches.

Golden Globes Red Carpet, Part One

I didn’t even bother to watch the awards show. I really only care about the fashion.

The Worst Color Choices

Diane Kruger in Christian Lacroix

Leona Lewis in Roberto Cavalli

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman wear either of those colors after her eighth birthday. Unless, of course, she is the headliner in an 1980s drag queen prom show, or moonlighting as the Easter bunny. Kruger’s pink gown is a nightmare, from the color to the sleeves to the bow, and her dead-on-the-inside expression doesn’t do much for me. Lewis chose a particularly tacky shade of purple, made even trashier by her Jersey Shore tan and black roots. Oh, and use a fucking steamer, for crying out loud. This photo cuts out the worst of the damage, but Lewis looks like she picked this up off a hotel room floor the morning after a bad decision.

My Golden Globes Dream Date

Matthew Morrison in Dolce & Gabbana

He. Is. Perfection.

When Did She Get So Old?

Cameron Diaz in Alexander McQueen

Heather Graham in Elie Saab

Isn’t there something just plain off about both these ladies’ once-beautiful faces? Close-ups of Cameron’s face showed her looking distinctly Madonna-esque. Heather looks like she hasn’t slept in days. Both women look like there’s a very unpleasant smell right under their noses. And this photo doesn’t show it, but Heather is wearing her hair in a ponytail. On the red carpet. Cameron looks like she did something equally lazy to her hair. Get your shit together, ladies. You’re hot, rich, and thin, but you need more than just a dress to look like a star on the red carpet.

Check back later for more! You’ll see my favorite and least favorite looks of the night, plus more character assassinations!

Prop 8: A Comedy (Part 1)

Everyone is blogging about the Prop 8 proceedings, and they are all very serious about the rightness/wrongness/timeliness/untimeliness/support/opposition to same-sex marriage. Well, fuck that. I’d like to focus solely on the hilarity that ensues when people are bitterly fighting over the American Constitution. And no, I have not watched/read any political satire/humor programs/blogs in the making of this post.

A brief intro: California’s Proposition 8, which outlawed same-sex marriage in the state, is currently being challenged in the courts in a case called Perry v. Schwarzenegger. The plaintiffs are trying to overturn Prop 8 and therefore re-legalize same-sex marriage in the state; the defendants are fighting in support of Prop 8, to keep same-sex marriage illegal. Today was the third day of the proceedings, and they will continue tomorrow. Let’s dive in.

Day 1

  • Kristin Perry, who comprises one half of one of the couples who brought this case against Prop 8, refers to her partner as “the sparkliest person I’d ever met.” On or off the witness stand, who the hell has ever used sparkly as an adjective for the person they love?
  • The plaintiff’s attorney Theodore Olson, who is famous for fighting and winning Bush v. Gore in favor of Bush back in 2000, asked his client, “What does it mean to be a lesbian?” Okay, I respect that he’s trying to go for a personal angle here, but still, the idea of someone being asked this in front of a bunch of old white dudes in robes sounds like a low-budget porn that I definitely don’t want to see.

Day 2

  • Professor Nancy Cott of Harvard unleashed the following delicious tidbit about our founding father:

“George Washington, the father of our country, was known to be sterile, which was considered an advantage because he could not create a dynasty.”

Day 3

  • “Will and Grace” and Brokeback Mountain were cited by defense attorney David Thompson as proof of changing attitudes in favor of gay rights. Um, whatever happened to citing Gallup public opinion polls? I’m not sure that this is the way to win an argument on constitutionality, buddy.
  • Okay, so Thompson did also cite a Gallup poll from 2002, stating that 86% of Americans believed homosexuals should have equal rights. Obviously I agree, but there is no way that this poll is relevant. If you poll Americans specifically about same-sex marriage, the numbers are completely different. (This isn’t a funny tidbit, I’ve just taken too many classes with Professor John Sides to take polls at face value.)
  • William Tam, defendant of Prop 8, claims that he found proof of a gay agenda through a Google search. Well, I just Googled “do vampires exist,” and I found proof that they do! And it was the first website that came up, so you know it’s true!

I think we’ll stop there for tonight. Check back here soon for updates, because nothing is funnier than civil rights.

Same-Sex Marriage: The Inevitability Problem

Originally posted by me in the GW Discourse blog.

There is an argument that is continuously reappearing in arguments over same-sex marriage and, to a lesser extent, other LGBT rights. For many, this issue is not solely about love, equality, or the protection of marriage. It is also a question of inevitability.

Gay rights advocates at the National Equality March

At first glance, the debate is simple. Those in favor of same-sex marriage say it’s inevitable. Those against it say it’s not. But who really benefits from arguing for or against inevitability?

Joe Solmonese, president of the Human Rights Campaign, claims that same-sex marriage has “always been inevitable.” This seems true, based on opinion polls that show young people to be much more in favor of gay rights than older generations. But does it help their cause to make this claim? I believe that emphasizing inevitability sends the message that LGBT rights will come eventually – and why should we fight tooth and nail for something we believe will happen no matter what? Gay rights advocates are still losing battles in liberal bastions like New Jersey and New York. And claiming that gay marriage is inevitable won’t make people fight any harder to achieve these rights now, in full, across the nation.

Perhaps when more states legalize gay marriage, it will be wise for groups like the HRC to emphasize the inevitability factor. They’ll have more proof for it, and they won’t have as much to lose as they do now. But at present time, only five states allow gay marriage, and four liberal-leaning states have rejected it in the last two years. Now is the time for the same-sex marriage movement to emphasize how far they still have to go and how hard they must fight, and put the inevitability issue to rest.

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