Best of the Divas

It may be a cop-out, but I had to go with a three-way tie for this one. These three women had fantastic years for their careers, were all nominated for major awards, and all knocked their red carpet looks out of the fucking park. More than just being beautiful at first glance, all of these dresses were incredibly memorable for me.

I loved this the moment she stepped onto the red carpet. She brings such elegance to everything she wears, and this Armani Prive gown was stunning to begin with. The impeccable styling and perfect fit add to Annie’s fabulous and classy runway persona. And the cherry on top is that she looks even better in it than the fucking runway model, even though she’s curvy and not model-thin. That is why Anne is a goddess.

Drew went mega-period piece in this ensemble, and yet it looks event-appropriate instead of costumey. I usually loathe gowns that match the woman’s skin color too closely, but this nude Alberta Ferretti design is breathtaking. The make-up, hair, and accessories are perfect complements, and Drew’s old Hollywood glamour shines bright at the premiere of her crowning achievement in 2009.

If you lived in Ivory Tower 412 in spring of 2009, you would know that Kate Winslet was our queen. It seemed as though she was winning every award, looking fabulous all over the place, and making us weep with every acceptance speech she gave. She has an uncanny ability to speak in an incredibly humble and thankful way, while dressing like she knows she’s going to win. This Narciso Rodriguez gown is what the red carpet is all about. Flaunting the curves without being slutty, a color that pops, a perfect cut, and a few stunning accessories. This is the dictionary definition of what a winner should wear, and Kate just glows in it.

Worst Singer-Actress Hybrids

Let’s stick with our three-way tie theme, and begin with two hilariously memorable outfits from the same event, by the same designer.

There’s nothing I can say about this except, WHY? The hair is awful, the make-up is clownlike, and the Louis Vuitton costume is beyond insane. To top it all off, her awkward stance and pedosmile make her seem legitimately insane.

Madonna. You’re 51 years old. The dress? Awful. The gloves and peekaboo bra? Seems like you’re trying to relive your youth. The boots? Far too trashy for that event, regardless of your age. The headpiece? I have no words.

I can’t find the name of the designer for this one, which means it was probably designed by Beyonce’s mother, the creator of all her most trashtastic outfits. This is a nightmare. The print is completely out of style, the dress is at least one size too small, and I LOATHE MERMAID GOWNS WITH ALL OF MY SOUL. Why do your calves need so much more room than the rest of your body? Oh, right. They don’t. So STOP IT. The fabric looks cheap and tacky, especially at the bottom. And it does not flatter her curves at all. She just looks like a large, uncomfortable couch. Beyonce, I deplore you: Find new gays, because the ones styling you now clearly hate you.