I always care about the red carpet more than the awards, and let’s face it, the People’s Choice Awards are just an excuse for Hollywood to blow smoke up its own ass. So let’s start judging.

Most Overdressed

My problem with Mariah, besides the fact that I truly believe her to be one of the most boring people alive, is that she is never appropriately dressed for anything. Granted, it is difficult to be appropriately dressed for any event when most of your wardrobe looks like it was stolen from an urban tween in 1999, but I digress.

Let’s put aside the fact that this dress does not do her figure any favors, and just ask: Why, Mariah, did you think that the People’s Choice Awards was the right event for you to wear a cheap-looking wedding gown to? I mean, I don’t think tacky wedding gowns are appropriate for almost any red carpet event, but it’s particularly over-the-top for a bullshit event like this. 

Newest Fashionista

Welcome to the neighborhood, Ms. New Diva on the Block! The dress is cute, age- and event-appropriate, and flattering. The bust could be fitted a bit better, and something about her pose inexplicably irks me just a touch, but this is a great start for Lea. I think my slight discomfort is just that I’ve rarely seen her in a red carpet scenario, and I’m not used to her dolled-up look. But that will fade shortly, as Glee continues to take over the universe.

The hair and makeup are flawless. And I think it’s refreshing to see a hot young starlet in something that’s not a) black, b) slutty, or c), glittery. Not to mention, the shoes are fierce as hell (they’re Louboutins, of course).

Most Difficult to Recognize

I try not to follow teen Disney stars too closely, less I get attached to them and then Disney decides to ditch them as soon as they grow pubes, or a mind of their own (whichever comes first). But I’m also able to recognize most of them pretty well, as I read fashion blogs and trashy magazines (uh, you know, when I’m waiting for my copy of The Nation to arrive).

It took me a good ten glances at this photo to figure out who the hell this was. Not to say her face doesn’t look beautiful, because I actually think this is one of the better photos of her occasionally awkward features.  It’s just all very severe, no? The jet black hair, that looks like it’s been overteased/semi-dredlocked/made out of horse hair. The eyebrows that look painted on.  I can handle black nail polish on the red carpet, but black on the toe nails? Honey, it just looks like an uncomfortable fungus.

I think what makes me most uncomfortable is the opulent bling that points straight into the excessive cleavage. That’s quite a lot of titty for a seventeen-year-old. Especially because she and BFFAEAE Selena Gomez present themselves as the nice-girl alternatives to the Miley Cyruses of the world. I shouldn’t judge Lovato more harshly because of her nice-girl image, but honey, you’re 17. Save looking 25 for when you’re 30, and dress your age.