6:00 pm: E!’s live coverage of the red carpet begins.
6:04 pm: No one famous has arrived, which isn’t surprising, considering the awards show doesn’t actually start for two more hours. So I’m just watching Giuliana talk about herself. Kill me.
6:07: E! is showing the making of the award statues and the rolling out of the red carpet. They’re not even trying to pretend celebrities will be there anytime soon.
6:14: I hate when they show commercials in a box on the same screen as red carpet things, but it’s for Kendra and her baby, so I have to allow it. My family has a weird obsession with Kendra.
6:16: The gentleman they have interviewing Edie Falco is beyond insufferable. I don’t understand how he has a job that involves him speaking to people, let alone speaking on television. I may explode from listening to his voice.
6:22: Chris Colfer wants Julie Andrews to guest star on Glee. Don’t we all, baby doll. He looks gorgeous and he’s very well-spoken. And Asian, aka Tina, aka Jenna Ushkowitz, looks beautiful.
6:27: Betty White! What a fierce color she’s wearing. And it’s all glitzy and slutty. And she wants Neil Patrick Harris to play her in a Golden Girls remake. I wish we were friends.
6:31: Tracy Morgan is wasted. But like, wasted. He also feels the need to answer for his date, including thanking Giuliana for saying she is beautiful. I’m pretty offended, but he also said “Morgan Freeman could be my Daddy!” And I think he just said “cock.”
6:35: Carey Mulligan looks like a little boy and is boring. I’m gonna go make dumplings.
6:39: Cory Monteith of Glee knows that he is nothing compared to George Clooney. He’s a smart kid.
6:41: Christina Applegate looks like she had a weird eyelift or some bad Botox or something. She’s having a lot of trouble moving her face. Honey, get the plastic surgery done at least a few days before the show and give yourself time to heal!
6:44 Amber Riley is in the house and she looks fabulous.
6:48: If there really is a 3rd host for the Oscars, it should not be another person from 30 Rock, even though I worship Tina Fey. If they add anybody, it better be Conan.
6:57: Iiiiit’s FRITZY! Or Anna Kendrick, as she is more commonly known. She’s standing in a rather uncomfortable pose, with her arms crossed in front of her stomach, but the color of her dress is very lovely.
6:58: Tina Fey looks absolutely perfect. Great color, great fit, great hair, it’s all working for me. Until Giuliana referred to herself as a journalist in her desire to be honest about Tina’s outfit. Giuliana, get your head out of your ass. You are not a journalist. You are lucky that you’re not still working at that McDonalds.
7:01: Jane Lynch is just so likeable. Her jewelry is gorgeous, but the top of that dress is just way too much fabric for her.
7:03: Mark Salling looks quite dashing. Most people can’t be dashing in a little puffy mohawk, but Puck nails it.
7:07: Holly Hunter is so freaking tiny, with the most intense guns I’ve seen since Madonna/Kelly Ripa. I like her just because she makes Giuliani look like an awkward, fumbling giant.
7:12: Sherri Shephard’s nails are blue, fake, and shiny. I can’t even believe how tacky that is.
7:17: Kyra Sedgwick’s gown would be better suited as a bridal gown, but it is very beautiful. I would just never go for something that formal at the SAG Awards. And I’m really not a fan of her hair, especially when the camera is showing her right side.
7:19: My girl Lea Michelle is in the house. Her Malandrino gown fits her like a dream, the color is very unusual, and her hair and makeup are perfect. I can’t believe she nailed it three award shows in a row.
7:21: Julia Louis-Dreyfus looks too awkward to wear such a sexy dress. But she said the words we all know are true: “Ya gotta wear Spanx.”
7:22: “Wow, Justin. You look homeless.” – My roommate Roxie sums it perfectly. His hair is back to the 90s over-gelled afro, which is sort of funny, but sort of sad. And the beard is excessive.
7:29: Sandra Bullock’s dress is awful. Like she let her gay seven-year-old pick it out for her. Before someone stalked her, danced around in front of her house with animal fur, and ran over her husband with her car. (Rick, that was for you.)
7:33: Matthew Morrison is more charming than I could have imagined, and he looks super cute. He has a real sense of humor about himself, and still looks amazed and thankful to be where he is. I hope he doesn’t lose that.
7:35: Steve Carrell’s wife Nancy looks so lovely. I think they’re such a seemingly normal, happy couple. And apparently, he does full-frontal nudity in his upcoming movie with Tina Fey? I hope that’s real, and Nancy wasn’t just being silly.
7:41: Watching this boy swoon over Kevin Bacon is embarrassing to watch. Honey, either keep your shit together, or get a new job.
7:43: Jane Krakowski looks fine. Ironically, she does not look nearly as good as Tina Fey, who is supposed to be the Rhoda to her Mary (at least, on 30 Rock).
7:47: Gabourey Sidibe is pretty hilarious, but they’re pushing the sassy gay man/sassy black woman relationship a little too hard. We get it. It’s enough.
7:52: Colin Firth looks old.
7:55: Caught a brief glimpse of Helen Mirren. She looks absolutely unfuckingbelievable. Better than most of the 20-somethings there. That woman is a goddess.
8:00: Switching from E! to TNT for the actual show. Overall thoughts on the red carpet: I hate Giuliana and everyone who works for E!, but a lot of people looked beautiful and seemed charming.
8:05: Kate Hudson looks awful. The hair, the dress, it’s all wrong. My pick for who should win Best Actor in a Comedy: Alec Baldwin. But I’ll be happy as long as Charlie Sheen doesn’t win.
8:07: The winner is… Alec Baldwin! Do I get to take a shot now?
8:09: Diane Kruger looks perfect from the front, but I really dislike the butt rouching technique on the back. I dig her earrings, though.
8:11: Female Actor in a Comedy Series. My pick: Tina Fey, of course.
8:12: And she wins! I’m 2 for 2 so far. Also, I think I like what Anna Paquin is wearing, but I’m not sure. Tina Fey is glowing, and I love her more every day.
8:14: Tina Fey makes the first awkward/hilarious NBC/Conan Feud joke of the evening. More to come.
8:19: Everybody is freaking out over Jane Lynch. I am too. I just love to watch her speak.
8:20: The comedy montage is pretty epic. Especially because it featured Jason Segel’s “I got a surprise for you!”
8:25: Outstanding Ensemble in a Comedy. My vote: GLEE, GLEE, GLEE!
8:26: 3 for 3! Yay for Gleeeee! Every single person up there looks so beautiful.
8:28: Gabourey and Monique, you’re talking about the movie you were in. Why does it seem so obvious that you’re reading off a teleprompter?
8:29: Helen Mirren takes the stage, and my heart. Everything about her is so regal. Male Actor in a Supporting Role. My vote: I missed every single one of these films, but I heard Christoph Waltz was amazing, so I’m rooting for him.
8:31: 4/4. I’m loving this Waltz fellow. What a heartfelt speech. Also, according to Nate, his son is a Rabbi.
8:38: Felicity Huffman looks too skinny. Outstanding Female Actor in a Drama Series. I don’t watch dramas, but my vote is Glenn Close.
8:40: Ah, I got this one wrong. Julianna Margulies takes the win. I really don’t like her dress. Too much fabric, ill-fitting, and who wears velvet in LA? (Credit to Amy for that one.)
8:43: Jenna Fisher is super-cute, but I’m not crazy about that prom dress. Outstanding Male Actor in a Drama. Again, I have no point of reference for this, but I’m going with Jon Hamm.
8:45: Damn, I was actually going to say that, until I switched to Jon Hamm. But Michael C. Hall certainly deserves this.
8:46: Carey Mulligan still looks like a little boy, and I don’t like her dress.
8:48: Ensemble in a Drama. I’m sticking with Mad Men for this one.
8:50: 5/7. Mad Men FTW.
8:52: Jon Hamm alleges that the Mad Men crew is better than the Glee crew. Can they please have a rumble?
9:03: Betty White is such a rock star.
9:10: They zoomed in on John Krasinski and Ed Helms applauding Betty White. That was a pretty random choice.
9:11: Betty takes the stage, slowly but gracefully. It is very moving to see the whole audience, from Sophia Loren to George Clooney, give her a standing ovation. She’s quite a woman.
9:12: She calls Sandra Bullock plain. BETTY WHITE FTW. Bitch is still sassy as hell.
9:13: “I was only 88 last Sunday, so I’ve still got lots more to do!” And then she sort of makes a sex joke. Phenomenal.
9:14: Betty White has made two sex jokes. I am so happy.
9:20: Very much a fan of the color of Anna Kendrick’s dress. And Stanley Tucci is just such a cutie. Female Actor in a TV Movie/Miniseries. I’m calling this one for Jessica Lange.
9:22: Drew Barrymore wins! But I’m a little confused about her dress. I love how flustered she is.
9:26: Male Actor in a TV Movie/Miniseries. I’ll say Kevin Bacon.
9:28: 6/9. Kevin Bacon’s suit is a little too youthful for him, but I still love him. And that was a beautiful speech.
9:30: Sigourney Weaver can barely walk in her shoes. And I’m pretty sure she’s worn that dress to like, eight other awards shows.
9:31: A simultaneous “Ohhh,” from me and Amy when Brittany Murphy’s face appeared. Like we’d forgotten that it had really happened.
9:32: Farrah Fawcett was just beyond beautiful.
9:33: I teared up when Bea Arthur’s face came up.
9:34: And I almost lost it at Patrick Swayze. I think we all spent so much time analyzing Michael Jackson’s death that I didn’t have time to process a lot of the other ones.
9:40: Female Actor in a Supporting Role: I’m going with Mo’nique.
9:41: 7/10. I like how she’s stopping to kiss the cast and crew on the way to the stage. Her emotional intensity makes me want to cry when she’s not even saying anything sad. She just looks so astounded that she is standing up there.
9:43: Oh, look, it’s tomorrow’s worst-dressed list, and Penelope Cruz.
9:51: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Meryl Streep. Thank God. Male Actor in a Leading Role. I’m making the obvious vote for Mr. Clooney.
9:53: Jeff Bridges! You go, man. What a fun, light-hearted speech. And his wife looked so proud.
9:56: Female Actor in a Leading Role. I’m going with Gabourey.
9:57: Two fantastic weekends in a row for Ms. Bullock. I’m 7/12, but she’s 2/2.
10:00: Clooney’s up. AND HE MAKES A SEX JOKE ABOUT BETTY WHITE FOR THE WIN!
10:02: Best Ensemble. I’m going with Hurt Locker.
10:03: I wasn’t listening to the nominees and didn’t realize Inglorious was up for it. Otherwise I would’ve chosen them. But congrats, boys and Diane! I finish the night at 7/13, which isn’t bad, considering I didn’t see like any movies this year.
And we’re done! Tune in tomorrow for some red carpet photos and character assassinations. Good night, and thanks for reading!