Red Carpet Redux: Best and Worst

I can’t even pretend to call these fashion recaps “weekly” anymore, because I’ve been such a slacker this summer. But better late than never, my darlings.

The Future of Fashion

 

Sometimes I look at Miley Cyrus and Taylor Momsen and I weep for the future, for today’s tweens who will have no fashion icons of their generation to worship when they are old enough for fashion to really matter. But Dakota Fanning always reminds me to believe in America’s youth, because she is fucking FABULOUS. First of all, she’s wearing a dress from Marchesa’s bridal collection, and she is wearing the hell out of it. I’d wear this to my wedding in a heartbeat, and even though Dakota’s wearing this to an awards ceremony and not a wedding, she doesn’t look like she’s in costume or out of place. The black peep toe heels are perfection. They keep the look funky and youthful, and bring a little hardness to such a romantic, breathtaking little dress. Also, let it not go unnoticed that this girl gets more and more beautiful with each passing day. Keep it up, Dakota. The children need you.

Taylor Swift in Galliano

And although she can be quite boring on the red carpet, kudos must be given to Ms. Taylor Swift for this little slice of heaven. The straight hair is a refreshing change – although my uber-judgmental eyes are spotted some seriously damaged split ends – and the dress is gorgeous. The belt buckle straps, the corset-style bodice, the way it flares at the waist, the color, the pattern – it’s all working for me. I’d wear the whole outfit, head-to-toe, in a heartbeat. And I dig the shoes – they keep it casual and youthful.

Miley Cyrus

And then I see this photo, and I lose all faith in humanity.

Another Failed Attempt at Couture

 

Marchesa is one of my favorite designers, and Kristen Stewart is one of my least favorite people, so pardon my incredible bias. BUT THIS GIRL SHOULD BE SHOT.

Okay, sorry, that was harsh. But why, God, why can’t Kristen Stewart just stick to things that are basic? Namely, things that look good on non-celebrities? Because K. Stew is no beauty, and you need to be seriously beautiful to pull off some of the craziness that is Marchesa. You also need to know how to stand up straight, how to keep your shoulders back, how to hide your weird, knobbly knees, how to smile… basically everything that Kristen Stewart fails most at. May this be a message to everyone: It’s good to take risks, but making an obvious reach far outside your comfort zone will rarely pay off.

The Fabulous Frocks of the First Lady

 

Hello, gorgeous! The FLOTUS sex-ed it up for real this week in this fabulous little dress. This is the thinnest she’s ever looked, and this dress hugs all her curves perfectly. I’m actually shocked to see her in something so form-fitting and sexy, because she’s usually more conservative when it comes to the actual fit of the garments. But may all of us have that waistline when we’re 46-year-old mothers of two.

First Lady Michelle Obama in Michael Kors

And Jackie O is reborn. This is classic Americana at its best. A gorgeous color and a great silhouette, and I love that MObama wears that double strand of pearls with everything. It keeps her looks classy and consistent.

Katy vs. Katy: The Battle of the Fugly

 

I’d like to begin by pointing out that this photo takes place at the finale of Germany’s Next Top Model. I’m not sure if that gives Katy a free pass, or just makes the whole already desperate outfit look even more depressing. I’ve already said more about how much I hate Katy Perry’s bangs than anyone should need to say, so let’s move right along to the dress. I believe Tim Gunn would say that this looks incredibly amateurish, like the dress a blind drag queen makes after his first fashion class in Tokyo. (Okay, maybe Mr. Gunn wouldn’t say that.)

But Katy, since you always insist on dressing like a complete fucking idiot, please just take some advice: Skintight plastic is not a good look for your curves, and the flats aren’t helping the situation. When wearing Rainbow Brite’s corset, make sure it flatters your butt and thighs a little more.

Katy Perry

She finally gets rid of those awful bangs, and from the neck up, Katy looks more beautiful than ever. But that dress… ohmygod. It looks like Johnny Weir got into a fight with a chainsaw. It’s just awful. But it does bring back fond memories of when I’d cut up my Brookdale Performing Arts Camp 1998 t-shirt and tie it back together up the sides, because I knew that style looked just as awesome on me when I was ten as it does on Katy now. Nobody is perfect, least of all the Democracy Diva, but at least I got over that particular fashion statement once I hit puberty. What’s Katy’s excuse?

Women Who Should Know Better

 

It pains me to see those little metal studs poking into her fat. Oh my God, J.Lo, just give it up. You’re not a 25-year-old dancer anymore, and wearing something like this basically screams, “I WISH I COULD HAVE MY YOUTH BACK!” And give me the name of whoever allowed you to wear this, because they need to be punched in the face immediately. You’ve had kids; there’s no reason for you to parade around in something like this and expect it to look good. I never expected you to age gracefully, but this is desperate even for a woman who married Ben Affleck AND Marc Anthony.

Khloe Kardashian

You know, I try not to be mean. Seriously, I know I write scathing things about basically every celebrity ever, but I try not to be cold-blooded about it, at least for most of them. But I nearly fell on the floor laughing at how awful Khloe looks here. My first reaction was just to cackle mercilessly about this hot mess of a woman, and honestly, can you blame me? Horizontal stripes, mostly invisible shoes, a sheer robe, and an expression like Kourtney’s water just broke all over her bare feet – it’s almost too bad to be true. This, ladies and gentlemen, is comedy gold.

Double Winner

Salma Hayek in Yves Saint Laurent

It’s a little bit sailor, borderline costumey, but I still think Salma Hayek looks unbelievable in this retro-style dress. The hair, makeup, and accessories all make her seem like she’s ready to perform at a USO show during World War II, but I actually find that really charming. I think a different color purse would have been better, but the look is fabulously tailored, meticulously styled, and altogether fabulous.

Salma Hayek in Alexander McQueen

Purr. Feck. Shun.

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Tony Awards 2010 Red Carpet

The Worst: Hollywood Wives

Jada Pinkett Smith in Marchesa

Will’s wife is, on a normal day, an incredibly beautiful woman. She’s barely five feet tall, which makes her difficult to dress when designer gowns are made for women who are nearly a foot larger than her. That’s the problem here, with this Marchesa cocktail dress. On a woman with neverending legs, this short, squat dress might have worked. But instead it just packs on bulk to Jada’s itsy-bitsy figure, making her look stumpy instead of slim. Also, did she dip her legs in a vat of olive oil in the limo? She’s awfully shiny.

Katie Holmes in Armani Prive

The hair is limp, she’s not wearing enough makeup, and that dress is just so boring. Mrs. Cruise looks uncomfortable and sad, and those looks don’t work on anybody.

Catherine Zeta-Jones in Atelier Versace

Mrs. Michael Douglas reminded the world of how awkward her May-December romance is at the Tonys this year, by discussing their sex life while accepting her (completely undeserved) award. Let’s talk about the face – just what is going on up there? She looks like she’s had some bad Botox or a botched face lift. And that dress is better suited for a little girl at her first big party than a woman bragging about sleeping with an AARP member. Iced periwinkle can’t be worn by girls over the age of 17. It should be a law.

The Best: Broadway Powerhouses

 

This actually was not one of my favorite looks of the night, but I still enjoyed it. It seemed more appropriate for the Country Music Awards than the Tonys, and although Cheno is tiny, I think that hemline is a bit short even for her. But she still looks every bit the adorable little woman she is, and if the dress were three inches longer, I’d love it.

Idina Menzel in Carolina Herrera

Idina looked simply glorious, and younger than she’s looked in years. Her skin looks flawless, her dress is intriguing but simple; mature but not matronly; youthful but not silly. I think she should’ve done a diamond necklace as well, just to glitz it up, but Idina looks as divalicious as ever.

Lea Michele in Zac Posen

What an astoundingly beautiful color. This is a perfect red carpet look – simple in design, but the color ensures that every eye on the Tonys red carpet will be on Miss Lea. Once again, I’d like to see a blingy necklace, but I don’t think Lea could have picked a more flattering, fun, or stylish gown. Kudos to her!

Runway Review: The Week In Fashion

This week had a little too much fashion for just one blog post, so I’ve divided your weekly fashion recap into two parts: runway and red carpet. Here’s the runway edition, as the Resort 2011 collections have exploded this week.

Best Accessory: Vamped-Up Stockings

 

The gams are getting glamorous on the runway this week! Though the effect feels much more fall than spring, many designers chose vamped-up stockings and ornate tights as accessories. I have always been a fan of the embellished stocking – somehow it always makes an outfit more interesting and way sexier.

Worst Accessory: The Tube Belt

 

I tend to support eccentric accessories, particularly those that bring an element of grittiness into an otherwise tailored, feminine outfit (or vice versa). But if the fashionistas start wearing these ugly, unflattering belts that look like they belong at a gas pump, I’m going to have to scream. I beg you, ladies. No matter how badly you need a belt, rubber tubing is not the answer.

The Saddest Girl on the Runway

 

There is a such thing as “so bad it’s good.” Examples include the earlier seasons of Degrassi: The Next Generation, “Party in the USA” by Miley Cyrus, and the entire High School Musical franchise. Unfortunately, Cynthia Rowley’s Resort 2011 collection is not “so bad it’s good.” Because it’s downright fugly. From the white shoes to the shapeless “dress” to the patched, frayed fabric – I understand the point is to make a statement using ugliness, but the only statement this makes is “I’m a little homeless boy in my mommy’s shoes”

The Legend of Oscar

Oscar de la Renta Resort 2011

As per usual, I had nearly every look in Oscar de la Renta’s Resort 2011 collection tagged as one of my favorites this week, but I managed to narrow it down to two looks that explain the genius of Mr. de la Renta.

The above look is what designers like Leanne from Project Runway constantly attempt but never quite achieve. She, like Oscar, made full skirts of fabric pieces to make it look like waves, but she limited herself with her desire to stay within a specific structure and color scheme. This blood-red beauty catches like feathers in the wind, moves like waves, possibly could have been made by Elmo’s taxidermist, and is romantic and sweet all at the same time. The rose-looking twist at the center is exquisite.

Oscar de la Renta Resort 2011

And this kind of gown is what Christopher from Project Runway always tried, to no avail. But to create something like this is so much more than making a dress. It truly stands as a piece of art, carefully and thoughtfully draped, sewn, and constructed. I personally love the different polka-dot prints, the black sash at her waist, and the ornate bodice.

The Ill-Fitting Crotch Award

 

These pants were apparently draped intentionally to give the appearance of a giant cameltoe.

Marc by Marc Jacobs Resort 2011

The Democracy Diva would like to take this opportunity to remind all designers, not just Givenchy and Marc, that vaginas do not need a square foot of breathing room.

90s Throwbacks

 

This My So Called Life meets Coco Chanel hybrid has all the modernity of the new millennium with the grittiness of the 90s. The tweed dress is lovely (and such an unusual shape) and those peep-toe combat boots are destined to be in my closet. But the black long-sleeved lace undershirt really amps up the alternative rock sensibility, and the contrast between the tailored and the distressed is incredibly beautiful.

Diva’s Pet Peeve

 

Now, I KNOW we’ve talked about sweatpants on the runway before. I don’t care if it’s the resort collection – fabulous casual vacation lounge clothing and bright yellow elastic waistband sweatpants are not the same. And this poor soul isn’t helped by that boxy T-shirt, the horrible choker, and the mismatched purse.

Best Bollywood Influence

 

I love the way Naeem Khan’s entire collection felt like it lay somewhere in between Hollywood and Bollywood. Gowns like this one – perfect red carpet gowns with just whispers of sari influences – simultaneously have old Hollywood glamour and a completely modern, global sensibility.

Costumes by Marc Jacobs

 

Doesn’t this have Emma Pillsbury from Glee written all over it? If McKinley High has a prom or Emma and Will have an engagement party, I think our neurotic little guidance counselor should wear this chic, flowery ensemble from Marc Jacobs.

Marc Jacobs Resort 2011

If this Diva were Katy Perry’s stylist, this is what I’d put her in for a casual day or hot summer night. This is what Katy should be wearing – zany, revealing costumes that hearken back to the 1940s pinup girls. She should go less wild and more conceptual, and her wardrobe would be intriguing instead of just weird.

The Dragtastic Dress

 

Since the model above does not appear to be a tennis pro by day / drag queen by night who is addicted to ecstasy, I can’t imagine where she plans on wearing this dress.

My Favorite Mini-Dresses

 

A girly print with a fascinating belt and truly fabulous straps. And that matching bag? To die for.

I call this look “Little Red Riding Hood Goes Bad.” Youthful, sexy, and fresh.

Because, let’s be honest, it’s not summer until you whip out your wildest neon dress.

More fashion to come! Check back here soon for the Tonys red carpet and more!

 

MTV Movie Awards 2010 Red Carpet

Nothing provides me with as much fodder for bashing celebs as the MTV Movie Awards – except, perhaps, the MTV VMAs. So let’s start making fun of some fame-whores, shall we?

Least Surprising Fuck Up

 

Lindsay Lohan is wearing a bedazzled floor-length jumpsuit. I can’t say I’m surprised, I just feel the need to remind Ms. Lohan that Diana Ross is calling from Studio 54, and she wants her outfit back. And her cocaine, too. Now, kids, prepare yourself for the close-up:

Lindsay Lohan

Oof. Eyeliner smeared beneath the eyes – any lady who’s ever had a few too many cocktails knows that look, and it’s called DRUNKFACE. But we don’t have personal assistants and stylists who can hold up a mirror to us in the limo and say, “Honey, fix yourself.” So at least we have an excuse for running around with our makeup melting off our faces. Lindsay has no such excuse – she just clearly knocked back several cocktails (let’s hope it was only cocktails… and only several) right before she got out of the car.

And, honey, what’s with the boobs? Didn’t you used to have the nicest rack in Hollywood? Your tatties look very depressed, like they’re running away from that freckly patch beneath your saggy pair. And for the love of God, Lindsay, go back to your natural hair color. You have never looked remotely attractive as anything other than a redhead.

Most Surprising Successes

 

I’m fairly certain I’ve never said one positive word about Kristen Stewart before. She somehow scored the leading role in one of the biggest book/movie series ever, even though she’s unattractive AND untalented AND a total bitch who resents all her fame and success. Honey, nobody made you audition for a highly anticipated movie based on a wildly popular bestselling novel. You knew what you were getting yourself into – don’t fucking mope around LA like your life is so miserable.

Before I go off on a complete tangent, let’s get back to the clothes. Ms. Stewart almost always looks like shit, because she has no style, never stands up straight, and always looks miserable. But I have to say, I think this might be the best she’s ever looked. The dress and shoes are undoubtedly gorgeous, she’s learned how to pose like an actual celebrity, and she almost looks like she’s having an okay time!

Kristen Stewart

And this is definitely the most beautiful her face has ever looked. I never noticed before that her eyes are stunning and her skin is lovely. I wish she’d styled her hair, but then again, this is the MTV Movie Awards. People wear jeans on the red carpet to such a bullshit event. Her makeup is natural and lovely, and she only slightly looks like someone just farted in her face.

Whitney Port in Yigal Azrouel

I don’t like Whitney Port on principle, because she’s another famous-for-no-reason wannabe fashion designer with no discernible talent for fashion. But I think she looks unbelievably sexy here. I hate the thick black eyeliner – I think it emphasizes how heavy-lidded and weird-looking her eyes are – and I wish her roots were a few shades lighter, but I love everything else. The dress is beyond gorgeous. Naked-looking, but not actually revealing. Great color, perfect fit, and those shoes add a level of complex styling that I didn’t know Whitney was capable of. And I think she might be wearing a watch, which I respect, because women rarely do that anymore.

Best Accessories/Worst Britney Impersonator

 

Let’s start with the essentials: the dress. From far away, it just looks like she’s covered in lint. And we’ve all seen this outfit before – it’s just a more modest version of Britney’s infamous nude-and-sequined outfit in her “Toxic” video. But there are actually a lot of things I love about what’s happening here, which is particularly surprising, since Katy Perry is up there with Rihanna and J.Lo on the list of my least favorite celebrities, on and off the red carpet.

I actually love the blue color of the wig. What I hate about the wig is those awful bangs that Katy insists upon wearing even though they look terrible on everybody, particularly Katy, who is not a natural beauty, just a decent-looking girl with a great makeup artist. But I actually think that crazy blue is gorgeous with the dress and just nutty enough for the MTV Awards. Those yellow neon nails are so eye-catching and fun, and the best surprise is how they match the shoes:

Katy Perry’s shoes

Come on. Those shoes are gorgeous in their own right, and the matching nail color is just perfection. There were some great style moments in this outfit, but they don’t quite compensate for Katy Perry’s general suckiness.

The #2 Reason I Didn’t Date in High School…

 

…BECAUSE THIS IS ACTUALLY WHAT GUYS ON THE JERSEY SHORE LOOK LIKE. This is not even an exaggeration of what they look like – this is actually how fucking stupid most of the guys in my area actually look, complete with the fake tans, excessive jewelry, and truly horrific haircuts. As Cher wisely said in Clueless, “So okay, I don’t want to be a traitor to my generation and all, but I don’t get how guys dress today. I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair – ew – and cover it up with a backwards cap and like, we’re expected to swoon? I don’t think so!” The styles may have changed, but the sentiment remains true as ever.

For those who were wondering, the #1 reason I didn’t date in high school was because I was only attracted to gay men. But I bet you could have guessed that.

Lord of the Ice

 

Johnny Weir is a rock star. Well, not by profession, because he’s actually an Olympic figure skater, but he has the soul of a total fucking rock star. He’s also one of the only Olympic skaters who actually embraces what a huge homo he is. They all embrace it on the ice – I mean, you sort of have to, as there’s basically nothing gayer than figure skating except ice dancing and Liza Minelli – but J.Weir is loud and proud about what a queen he is. And while he sort of looks like the love child of Lady Gaga and Peewee Herman, I applaud him for that fierce blazer and festively cocooning his neck in crinoline for no apparent reason.

But honey, I’d fix the makeup. Either go all-out, and do eye makeup in addition to the copious amounts of blush and lipstick you’re sporting, or nix the makeup altogether. This just looks unfinished.

Fashion Week Favorite

 

Nothing makes me feel better as a fashion blogstress than when my favorite looks from New York Fashion Week get worn by celebrities on the red carpet. As you may remember, this was the final look in Zac Posen’s Fall 2010 collection, which I blogged about as one of my favorites. Fritzy (that’s what I call Anna Kendrick – the character she played in Camp before anybody but me and Cameron knew she existed) looks utterly fabulous here from head to toe. One of her arms is hidden, but I hope it bears a fabulous bracelet, as she looks a little under-accessorized. But this dress is gorgeous without being too fancy for the event, and that’s a difficult line to walk.

Least Relevant

 

It truly depresses me how hard Christina is trying to be Lady Gaga. Christina, you are not Lady Gaga, and you will never be Lady Gaga. And that’s okay – because you’re fucking Christina Aguilera! You have one of the best voices in pop music history, you had a long and brilliant career, and now you have a beautiful husband and child (both Jewish, I might add). You don’t need to be resorting to auto-tuned vocals and over-sexed, overly dramatic music videos and gimmicky costumes. I love Gaga, but we don’t need more that one of her. Just be proud of being Christina, and people might actually still like you. But now you’re just depressing the shit out of us as you try to cling to your youth and fame. And this dress is downright fugly.

Best Dressed/Most Awkward Presenter

 

I could only stomach about ten minutes of the actual awards show, because MTV hasn’t been relevant to my life since 7th grade, and all I really cared about was seeing Betty White and whether Malfoy would win the award for Best Villain. MTV decided to script a super-awkward conversation between ScarJo and Sandra Bullock which of course ended in a lesbian kiss, because it’s MTV. But regardless of how uncomfortable that is, or how hilarious it was to see Betty White politely clapping while those ladies shared a weak-ass, forced kiss, Scarlett looked simply amazing. I would never have worn something this classy on MTV – I’d have saved it for a more formal or less youthful event – but I can’t deny that this look is nearly flawless. I think she might be wearing blue nail polish, which I strongly oppose, but that may just be the lighting. And again, this dress demands a glittery bracelet or necklace to be complete. But all in all, this ensemble is excellent.

More fashion to come later, straight from the red carpet at the Sex and the City 2 premieres!

The Week(s) in Fashion

The past few weeks have seen several Sex and the City 2 premieres, a Glee red carpet event, and several Resort 2011 collections. So let’s make up for lost time and dive straight into the action.

Glee‘s Best and Worst

 

Well, it’s obvious how Quinn Fabray became the most popular girl at McKinley High (before she got knocked up and joined New Directions, of course). She is just a stunningly beautiful woman who embraces her best features. Old school Hollywood hair, contemporary but classic dress, fierce shoes, and the perfect shade of lipstick can go a long way. And I love to see ladies dropping the unnatural shade of orange and showing off their natural porcelain complexion. Maybe everybody looks better with a tan, but nobody looks better with a fake tan, and I like when starlets accept that fate and stay naturally pale. Dianna looks simply marvelous here, and I’m looking forward to seeing what else she’s got.

Heather Morris

Heather Morris plays Brittany, everyone’s favorite dumb cheerleader. She gets all the funniest lines and she’s the best dancer on the show, with the possible exception of Other Asian. And yet, from her ankles up, you’d have know idea she’s on a hit TV show. The hair is awful – one long braid has no place on the red (or, in this case, blue) carpet, and she looks terrifyingly like she might be wearing a Bump-It. She absolutely needs a new makeup artist – the attempt at dramatic eyes just looks messy, and her lips are crying out for some color. That shapeless potato sack of a dress is a terrible color, too. But damn, those Louboutin heels are gorgeous.

Best and Worst of the Resort 2011 Collections

 

Tell me, does anyone really need a denim romper with cuffs and a matching denim blazer? Is there actually a market for this outfit? Is someone lounging around their apartment in their underwear, mourning the fact that they have no denim to romp in? If you are that person, just know that therapy is always an option.

 

This dress had me immediately captivated. Chic and simple, perfect styling – the hair, the eyes, the shoes, it’s all gorgeous, and it all serves to highlight the gorgeous textures and prints in that fabulous little dress.

Yves Saint Laurent Resort 2011

I’m coining a term for this look: Mormon Chic. It’s like a cross between what Chloe Sevigny wears in real life and what she wore in the first few seasons of Big Love, back when they actually dressed her like she grew up on the compound. It’s prairie-licious and fabulous, and I love the stark contrast between that virginal white dress and the sheer black stockings and blood-red heels.

Jason Wu Resort 2011

Though I think this is a little too reminiscent of designers like Christian Siriano for me to over-praise it, I love this dress. It may lack originality in its silhouette, but I think that print is gorgeous, the color is fabulous, the draping is perfect, and it’s something any woman could wear on a night out during her summer vacation.

 

I moaned aloud when I saw this dress. Dior may be repeating some of his old tricks, but this is still impeccably crafted, beautifully designed, and evokes emotion from the people who see it. The barbie-on-acid styling amps up the volume and kicks a bit of edge into a delicate and romantic look. This Diva would wear this gown to her wedding, if she could afford it, and if she didn’t mind looking like she fell in a bucket of Easter egg dye.

Black Lace Gone Bad

 

Oh, V. Cheer up. I know you must be well aware that Gossip Girl‘s death is imminent, since the show stopped making sense or appealing to any viewers quite a few months ago. But that’s no reason to take your feelings out on your wardrobe. Some helpful hints for a woman in mourning:

  • A ponytail is not a hairstyle – at least, not when you’re at the premiere of Sex and the City 2.
  • A scarf is not a shirt. Just because it covers your nipples does not mean it’s clothing.
  • Unless you moonlight as a dancer in a 1980s New York gay bar, there’s never really a need to wear a sheer black shirt.

Christina Ricci in Givenchy

I could focus on the black lace tail that seems to have come lose from the rest of the dress, or the way the entire skirt seems to be made of curly human hair, or how there is some sort of Jetsons-go-to-a-funeral vibe happening with the top of this dress. But all I need to say is that this dress shows UNDERBOOB. Underboob, like jodhpurs, mermaid gowns, and body hair, HAS NO PLACE ON THE RED CARPET. Tuck that shit away. For God’s sake, it’s not even the best part of the boob.

Mischa Barton

The hair. The hair is absolutely killing me. I don’t know what’s worse: the black roots, the platinum tips, the hair extensions, or how unwashed and mentally disturbed all of it looks. And this dress is just an ornate tablecloth torn apart and sewn back together with a peephole that I fear is slowly taking over Mischa’s entire torso. And those shoes just might be the ugliest things I’ve ever seen.

Best of the Week

 

It’s definitely not a dress I would wear, but I respect Emma Watson’s efforts to always dress in pieces that have a one-of-a-kind feel to them. I feel like she nearly always looks impeccably put together, but more importantly, she likes to take risks and surprise people. Note how similar this dress is to Mischa’s above it – both are short white dresses with short sleeves, black detailing, and a cutout in the middle – and yet this is lightyears better than Mischa’s mess. This dress is modern and funky. The cutout just above the waist would be treacherous on a normal woman, but of course it works on Hermione’s fabulous figure. And her legs go on for days thanks to those enviable Christian Louboutin heels that I’m shocked she can even walk in. That hair color is not my favorite – I think it’s a little red for her complexion – but I commend her on a risk well taken and wish her a safe journey in those shoes.

The Worst of the Millennium

 

My dear readers, please don’t get overwhelmed. I know there’s a lot to take in, and that this might be very difficult for you to stomach. But let me hold your hand through this one, and I promise we will be okay.

Now, you may recognize these conical suspenders from New York Fashion Week. In fact, I called those suspenders the #1 worst look at all of Fashion Week. Special thanks to Rihanna for proving me right, as they look even stupider on her than they did in on the runway.

I’m just going to point out the fact that it seems like packing tape is keeping her cones together. I’m also now certain that Rihanna tits are fake – they can’t possibly be that round and perky when nothing is even holding them up. That’s not good genes, that’s just downright impossible.

And she has a red bowl haircut with black roots. I don’t know if I say this enough, but I’d really like her career to be over now, please.

Stay tuned: Fashion from the MTV Movie Awards and the Sex and the City premieres will be up soon!

2010 Cannes Film Festival Red Carpet

Sorry for the hiatus, but this Diva was traipsing around England with her pals. Now that I’ve been home twelve hours, though, it’s of course to catch up on some long-awaited blogging! I present to you, by popular demand, the best and worst of the fashion at Cannes Film Festival 2010!

Fab Front, Dreadful Derriere

Milla Jovovich in Louis Vuitton

I have no idea what Milla Jovovich does. I couldn’t tell you if she’s a movie or TV actress, and I probably wouldn’t be able to look at her and tell you her name off the top of my head, but I do know that she just sort of exists and sometimes wears mildly interesting things. Like the gown above – a golden pink pattern, almost floral, almost glittering, fierce shoes and jewels. But you see that dark train peeking out the back, and it’s like an omen of the horror that is to come.

Milla Jovovich pooping fabric

Milla, no. Why must this sweet dress be ruined by a dirty brown crinkled mess that has nothing to do with the rest of the gown? You would have looked so sweet and lovely if the back of the gown had been trainless and matched the front. Please, starlets, remember to look in a three-way mirror before leaving the house, so you can be aware of the yards of excess fabric cascading off your bum.

The Bitsy Von Muffling Effect


Cate Blanchett in Georgio Armani Prive

Unless you are a middle-aged woman living in a stuffy old townhouse on the Upper East Side, and you have a penchant for gin and passive-aggression, there is no reason to wear this outfit. It’s not that Cate doesn’t look beautiful, it’s just so ladies-who-lunch, Trey’s mother on Sex and the City, WASPy aged trophy wife.

The Power Dress

Carey Mulligan in RM by Roland Mouret

When I am a fabulously successful lawyer and have made my way into the history books as the attorney who fought and won the landmark case that legalized same-sex marriage nationwide, someone please remind me to strut around my office in this eggplant wonder of a dress. And since I’m taking over the world, I’ll take those Fendi shoes as well.

Best AND Worst: Marion Cotillard Edition

Marion Cotillard

Off the crimson carpet, Ms. Cotillard dons a perfect little dress for traipsing around France, and her fun Ray-Bans add an artsy flair. But of course, even in the daytime and away from the movie premieres, a true French fashion icon is never without her Christian Louboutin heels. BUT…

Marion Cotillard in Lefranc Ferrand

Okay, my divalicious readers, say it with me: NO. MORE. JUMPSUITS. Adding insult to injury, this jumpsuit is corseted, glittery, and paired with the worst possible shoes for that ensemble. Marion, darling, just because your outfit pushes your titties up to your earlobes does not mean it is fashionable. Please leave all jumpers, jumpsuits, rompers, jodhpurs, and all other offending pantgear at the door, thanks.

Best AND Worst: Michelle Williams Edition

Michelle Williams

I swear, this Dawson’s Creek alum gets better looking every year. She’s like the female hipster mommy version of George Clooney. She’s head-to-toe perfection – her platinum pixie-cut is uber-fresh and stylish, the makeup is breezy and natural, the dress is trendy, fun, and youthful, and the espadrille shoes are cute as can be. I’d wear this outfit in a heartbeat. BUT…

Michelle Williams in Chanel Haute Couture

This is a sad nightgown that doubles as a shower curtain, not a red carpet look. It’s shapeless, ill-fitted, wrinkled, too long, and boring.

Fabulous in Fuschia

Diane Kruger in Jason Wu

I hate looking at that color next to the red carpet, but were she standing on any other color, she’d look just perfect. Fabulous, modern, fun, formal – Jason Wu is building himself quite the reputation in the fashion world, and this gown shows just why that fabulous rep is well-deserved.

Worst Dressed

Elizabeth Banks in Georges Chakra

Elizabeth Banks is so infuriatingly hit-or-miss lately. I really want to like her, despite some bitchy comments she’s made in the press, because she’s one of the only actually funny women who gets cast in Judd Apatow movies who isn’t Apatow’s wife. It’s hard to find a woman who’s beautiful, marketable, and truly funny – funny in a way that both men and women can appreciate. But Elizabeth, if you don’t stop wearing tie-dyed mullet gowns with cotton candy on the shoulders, I will withdraw all my support of your career. It’s time to hire a new stylist – one who appreciates how stunning you are and enhances that beauty instead of detracting from it.

The Queen of Cannes: Kate Beckinsale

Kate Beckinsale was one of the judges at Cannes this year, and therefore she was on every red carpet, all day, every day, in a zillion different oufits, giving this Diva plenty to say about her. Let’s dive in to some of her fashion choices at Cannes.

Kate’s Best

Kate Beckinsale

I’d have gone with different shoes, but this gown is absolutely breathtaking. The color, the fit, the shape – it’s all there, and it’s all fabulous. She looks statuesque and regal, but she should have gone with shoes that matched the dress or purse a little better. And I hate that sort of keyhole-shaped peep toe; I think it’s very unflattering to the foot.

Excess Pouf

Kate Beckinsale in Marchesa

I love the draping on the bodice of the gown, and I think Marchesa is genius for the way they design layers upon layers of crinoline and tulle, but I think this is a bit much for the red carpet. It may work on the runway, but Kate gets completely lost in this sear of fabric from the hips down. I love the iced periwinkle/lilac color, and I think it’s a flawless look for the top half of her body, but I can’t support that amount of unstructured poofiness on just anybody.

Kate and Carey, Same Style, Same Event!

Kate Beckinsale

This probably would have been my pick for Kate’s best look of the festival (though I don’t love the length), until I noticed what Carey Mulligan wore to the same event…

Carey Mulligan in Azzaro

So apparently, glittering, bedazzled mock neckties/bowties/bows are hot. I liked the trend well enough on Kate, but Carey made me dislike it on both of them – it just seems sort of kitschy and dumb, no?

Fabulous Curtains

Kate Beckinsale in Temperley London

I’d kill to have this gown hanging on my windows, but as far as an actual gown, I think it suffers from the same problems that Michelle Williams pink, curtain-esque, shapeless gown did. I just don’t think gowns like this are particularly flattering, even in a beautiful color and fabric. But the jeweled neckline is certainly exquisite.

Sexiest Gown

Kate Beckinsale in Balmain

That slit is dangerously high, but goddamn it if those aren’t some of the best legs I’ve ever seen.

Tune in for more fashion later!

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