THE 2012 ACADEMY AWARDS LIVEBLOG
Because only the Democracy Diva will give you the snarky, judgmental truth.
Part 1 of the Oscars red carpet recap is UP! Who was your pick for best dressed?
11:40: And, we’re done! That was absurdly long and at times painful to watch, but thank you for joining me tonight. Check the blog this week to catch all the best and worst looks from the red carpet!
11:36: And the Academy Award for Best Picture goes to… The Artist, of course!
11:32: Tom Cruise takes the stage alone, which is never a good sign. I’m always concerned he’s going to start jumping on the furniture.
11:31: Meryl’s speech about her hair & makeup artist is so beautiful. Friends and partners for three consecutive decades of films!
11:30: A RELENTLESS standing ovation from the Academy. And Meryl proves once again, she doesn’t give a FUCK what you think.
11:29: MERYL STREEP WINS HER 3rd OSCAR. Seventeen nominations. Amazing. She kisses Viola Davis before she hits the stage. This is fantastic.
11:27: Colin Firth: “Meryl. Mamma Mia. We were in Greece, we danced, I was gay, we were happy.” The best words ever spoken in the history of the English language.
11:24: Colin Firth takes the stage in all his glory. It is one thing to win the Best Actress Oscar – it is quite another to have COLIN FUCKING FIRTH hand it to you. I’m just saying, if there’s a fire, I’m taking Colin and not the Oscar.
11:19: And the Oscar for Best Actor goes to Jean Dujardin for The Artist, of course!
11:18: Is it just me, or did three people in the audience clap for Brad Pitt?
11:16: It is absurd that this is Gary Oldman’s first Oscar nomination. He is amazing, and his glasses are phenomenal!
11:13: Natalie Portman takes the stage in vintage Dior from his 1954 collection. It’s just so lovely, and her necklace is fan-freaking-tastic.
11:11: I love all these cheesy interviews about why these actors love making movies. I’m a sucker for this kind of crap. Especially Ed Norton.
10:55: Meryl in gold Lanvin takes the stage. Since The Devil Wears Prada came out, she has always worn a fabulous pair of glasses.
10:52: Michael Douglas takes the stage to present the Academy Award for Achievement in Directing. And the Oscar goes to… The Artist!
10:45: And the Oscar for Best Animated Short Film goes to… The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore!
10:44: Sandra Bullock is extremely emotional about the plight of Pakistani women, or so the Oscar cameramen would have us believe.
10:41: THE SCORCESE DRINKING GAME CONTINUES! And the Oscar for Documentary Feature goes to… Saving Face!
10:39 and the Oscar for Live Action Short Film goes to… The Shore!
10:38: The Bridesmaids are in the house! “I’d rather have a short film with heft that’s nice to me, rather than a long film that just lies there and I have to do all the work.” – Kristen Wiig presenting the Oscar for Short Film.
10:36: Milla Jovovich takes the stage in one-shouldered beaded Elie Saab. She looks high as a fucking kite, which is distracting me from her predictable wedding gown.
10:29: And the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay goes to… Woody Allen, who couldn’t be here tonight, like every fucking year for the last eight thousand years. WHY didn’t they give it to Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo for Bridesmaids? Does Woody Allen need or deserve another Oscar he won’t acknowledge?
10:27: THIS MEANS DEAN PELTON FROM COMMUNITY HAS WON AN OSCAR. Everyone, it is time to FUCKING PARTY! #sixseasonsandamovie
10:24: Angelina Jolie hits the stage and pops the leg, because she loves attention just as much as she pretends she hates it. And the Oscar for Adapted Screenplay goes to… The Descendants!
10:19: Jason Segel almost started to cry when Bret McKenzie mentioned Jim Henson’s name. A beautiful moment.
10:17: And the Oscar for Best Original Song goes to… Bret McKenzie for “Man or Muppet”! Fuck yes!
10:16: Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis enter in white tuxedos, shirts, bowties, and shoes, and they bang cymbals into Brangelina’s laughing faces. They present the nominees for Best Original Song.
10:12: Penelope Cruz and Owen Wilson take the stage to present the Oscar for Best Original Score. And the Academy Award goes to… The Artist! He has no formal training and beat out John Williams, who was nominated for two films!
10:11: GIANT SHEET MUSIC TAKES OVER THE STAGE!
10:09: Even Nick Nolte laughs at Billy’s caveman growling, incomprehensible impression of him.
10:08: Billy Crystal reads minds. Brad Pitt: “I have six parent-teacher conferences in the morning.”
10:03: Very happy that no one will DARE try to kick Christopher Plummer off the stage three minutes into a speech as he thanks his crying wife for coming to his rescue every day of his life. Beautiful.
10:01: Christopher Plummer to his Oscar: “You’re only two years older than me darling, where have you been all my life?” Brilliant. And he very earnestly thanks his fellow nominees.
9:58: Melissa Leo takes the stage in what looks like a dress over a short-sleeved sequined button-down. It’s not a good look. As they announce the nominees, Jonah Hill gets big, BIG cheers from the crowd. And the Oscar for Supporting Actor goes to… Christopher Plummer, Beginners! He is the oldest actor EVER to win an Oscar!
9:55: Okay, for real, the Oscar for Achievement in Visual Effects goes to… Hugo! They’ve got some gals in fabulous black gowns with them. Get it, ladies!
9:52: Emma Stone and Ben Stiller. She’s eight feet taller than him. She’s funny, but I’m still not sure I love the gown. And the Oscar for Achievement in Visual Effects goes to… JONAH HILL, for denying Emma Stone’s request to come up on stage and dance with him! Hilarious. And I like the gown more the longer I listen to Emma be awesome.
9:51: Melissa McCarthy comes onto Billy Crystal, Brian Atwood glittery platform peep-toe pumps and all!
9:46: And the Oscar for Animated Feature Film goes to… Rango!
9:45: Chris Rock reminds us why he should have hosted.
9:44: First curse of the night from the Undefeated team! And then the music kicks in, of course. Boo.
9:43: And the Oscar for Best Documentary Feature goes to… Undefeated!
9:41: Gwyneth Paltrow and Robert Downey, Jr., who takes the stage as slowly as possible, filming a documentary called The Presenter. It’s more awkward than funny. They’re presenting Best Documentary. Obviously.
9:40: Two 82-year-old nominees! It’s the new 26, y’all!
9:38: A well-earned standing ovation from much of the audience. Finally, something to liven up the ceremony!
9:37: This shit is AWESOME. Basically doing dance interpretations of this year’s films, and it’s gorgeous.
9:35: The Muppets! Cirque du Soleil! This ain’t Jessica Chastain’s grandma’s Oscars, y’all!
9:33: If you’re playing the Bridesmaids drinking game (take a shot every time Scorcese is mentioned), you are probably too drunk to read this. Congratulations. Enjoy this liveblog again during your massive hangover tomorrow when you’re not capable of getting work done because you can’t look at your computer screen unless it’s to judge celebrities.
9:27: And the Oscar for Achievement in Sound Mixing – well, it certainly doesn’t go to the team for this broadcast, because the sound is a hot fucking disaster tonight. But the Oscar goes to… Hugo, who is picking up the vast majority of the techie awards.
9:25: And the Oscar for Sound Editing goes to… Hugo! There are lots of train sounds, apparently.
9:22: Tina Fey, Bradley Cooper, and Bradley Cooper’s Porn Moustache take the stage to present the Oscar for Achievement in Filmmaking, which goes to… The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo! Second consecutive win for the editing team, also of The Social Network.
9:21: “Cut… the Rainbow song?” A sometimes-funny The Wizard of Oz focus group skit. Because that’s the only thing in the room older than Billy Crystal. BOOM!
9:13: Octavia is trembling and is overcome with tears when she starts to thank The Help crew. “I’m wrapping up, I’m sorry, I’m freakin’ out!” I don’t think we could love her more. She’s full on sobbing as Christian Bale guides her off the stage, and she’s clutching that Oscar like her life depends on it. You go, girl!
9:09: Christian Bale is presenting the Oscar for Outstanding Actress in a Supporting Role – four of whom are first-time nominees! And the Oscar goes to… Octavia Spencer, of course! Let’s all weep with joy!
9:05: Sandra Bullock is on stage in black and white Marchesa. I officially don’t like the dress on her, and her face looks less real every year, but she’s presenting the Oscar for Foreign Language Film. And it goes to… A Separataion, from Iran. I’ve heard this is an astounding film.
9:01: Obviously, Helen Mirren and Barbra Streisand give the most expressive, passionate interviews. #divas
9:00: Amazing clips of huge actors telling their early memories of movie-going. Holy SHIT, has Tom Hanks had some weird work done.
8:56: And the Oscar for Achievement in Makeup goes to… The Iron Lady! Really? Well, at least we caught a glimpse of the back of Meryl Streep in gold Lanvin!
8:53: Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez take the stage, each looking better than they have in ages, and worthy to present the Achievement in Costume Design award. And the Oscar goes to… The Artist! They deserve it – they’re what made this whole night be about old Hollywood glamour.
8:52: Please, can Billy Crystal cut all jokes where he references modern technology?
8:46: I hope this is another night where we all thank Marty Scorcese. If you’re playing the Bridesmaids drinking game, enjoy your buzz! You’ll be vomiting before the acting awards begin.
8:44: And the Oscar for Art Direction goes to… Hugo, again! But this guy bears no resemblance to a Harry Potter character, so I’m out of jokes.
8:43: And the Oscar for Cinematography goes to … Hugo! Xenophilius Lovegood takes the stage to accept his award.
8:42: Tom Hanks presents the first award, sporting a silver fox vibe I’m enjoying. He gives a shout-out to someone who’s been seat-filling at the Oscars for 59 years! Adorable. But fake, apparently.
8:41: I’m sold on jazz hands for The Help.
8:39: The sound is a mess tonight, no? Can barely understand a word of this.
8:38: Jonah Hill could barely stop himself from rolling his eyes at Billy Crystal’s fat jokes.
8:37: The musical number begins. It’s all irrelevant showtunes and theme songs, which means I am DOWN, but America will hate this.
8:36: Natalie Portman sitting behind George Clooney will make for some awesome reaction shots.
8:35: I needed a way bigger Harry Potter moment in the opening reel than that!
8:32: Justin Bieber is here to get Billy Crystal the 18-24 demographic! Him sitting there awkwardly, joking with a Sammy Davis Jr. impersonator – it’s amazing, actually, and I am most certainly not a Belieber.
8:30: Morgan Freeman begins the ceremony and introduces the opening reel. Already a gay kiss between Clooney and Crystal? I’m there.
8:28: Last commercial break before the broadcast! Everyone pee now.
8:24: Just a few minutes to the broadcast, so everyone is inside. But Chris Rock is sporting a healthy ‘fro and seems to be aging in reverse, Benjamin Button style. He really looks great.
8:20: Natalie Portman is SO TINY! How did I never realize how short she is? For the first time in recent memory, she looks astoundingly beautiful. Beautiful earrings, an amazing necklace, and a red strapless gown with a subtle red-on-red polka dot or eyelet pattern. It’s the first time she hasn’t worn purple in about a thousand years!
8:17: I’ll actually use Google + if I can have a Google Hangout with the Muppets performing “Under Pressure.” That commercial was fantastic.
8:15: Angelina Jolie looks better than usual, but still boring and thin. Nina Garcia is astounding in black Jean Paul Gaultier couture.
8:13: Sandra Bullock is in a fabulous high ponytail and a black and white Marchesa gown I’m not sure about yet. I don’t love the mermaid fit or the volume up top. I think she’s working it, but it’s not my favorite.
8:12: Brad Pitt is greasy-haired and bored-looking. What else is new.
8:05: Glenn Close can’t walk in her Zac Posen gown. It’s beautiful, but it’s wearing her.
8:04: Gwyneth Palrow is in stunning white Tom Ford. It’s got a little coat/cape/bolero thing, but kind of in a great way. Her diamond cuff is seriously gorgeous, but I’m shocked to see no earrings.
8:02: The adorable Jason Segel is so overwhelmed. He seems like he’s moments from tears and I love it so much. Unlike most people on the red carpet, he seems as starstruck as he say he is!
8:00: Tim Gunn is so much more enthused to be on the red carpet than Ryan Seacrest. Probably because no one threw pancake mix at Tim Gunn. He’s interviewing Cameron Diaz, in “heavy” Gucci. She looks a little drugged out, but the gown is pretty glamorous.
7:58: Wait, did anyone else just watch a commercial for The Bachelor where one of the girls gets handed the Heart of the Ocean blue diamond from the Titanic, while “My Heart Will Go On” plays in the background? What the fuck is happening on that show?
7:56: Penelope Cruz is in a grayish purple Armani Prive gown, beautiful but simple.
7:55: So E!’s coverage is annoying, and ABC’s is boring. Where is the Democracy Diva network?
7:53: But now someone I’ve never seen before is interviewing a deaf Nick Nolte, and I can’t quite handle that.
7:51: Tim Gunn is interviewing J.Lo, who I believe looks amazing. Her boob tape is working overtime.
7:50: Switching from the E! red carpet to ABC, so we can catch a glimpse of Nina Garcia and Tim Gunn on the red carpet rather than that panel of horrible Fashion Police!
7:46: No joke, this is the text I just received from my mother regarding the E! commentators: “Who is the drunk on the left and why would they let a hairdresser from long island with long nails comment on the biggest event of the year?” Do you see where I get it from, dear readers? The divalicious apple does not fall far from the tree.
7:45: The E! critics think Emma Stone’s gown is too similar to a famous Oscar gown Nicole Kidman wore. They’re not wrong.
7:41: Sorry, watching the E! commentators talk to each other instead of to the stars is destroying my will to live. God, they’re banal.
7:33: They haven’t let Sarah Hyland say a goddamn word yet.
7:30: Sarah Hyland (Modern Family) is for some reason on E!’s fashion critic panel. Considering she tends to mock the dress-up-and-pose crap on her twitter, and she’s only worn like one interesting dress in her life, I’m a little surprised to see her up there. Then again, these are the people who employ Kelly Osbourne as a fashion critic. Go figure.
7:28: Emma Stone’s cranberry dress is not my favorite. It gives her ta-tas NO support, and the giant bow around her neck is kind of freaking stupid. Hair and makeup are lovely, though.
7:27: Tina Fey’s gown is black, not navy. I think the top of the dress is gorgeous, but below the peplum, it’s not really working for me. A full look at Kristen Wiig makes it clear that she’s not there to be the center of attention, but she still looks fucking incredible.
7:25: Jennifer Lopez is in Zuhair Murad. It’s predictably slutty, but probably my favorite thing she’s worn in awhile. And I’m sort of charmed by how genuinely concerned she seems for Ryan. Like, she actually feels terrible that the ashes got dumped on him! That’s kind of sweet!
7:23: Tina Fey is here, telling Ryan Seacrest he’s a victim of comedy. It’s custom Carolina Herrera, strapless and navy (or perhaps black) with a peplum skirt.
7:22: Ryan believes the “ashes” are actually pancake mix. Which is pretty hilarious. And now the cameras are staunchly only filming Ryan from his non-ashed side, which is even funnier.
7:18: “The Dictator” just poured a jar of “ashes” on Ryan Seacrest’s Burberry suit. My only reaction is, “Fuck you, buddy. That’s a borrowed tux!”
7:16: Sacha Baron Cohen as “The Dictator” joked that he’s wearing John Galliano and K-Mart socks. Thanks for giving the fashion community a joke we’ll appreciate.
7:15: EMMA STONE. She’s in red, but it’s more of a berry-red rather than Michelle Williams’s orange-red. No close-ups yet.
7:11: Kristen’s gown is nude, virtually her skin tone, but for once, it doesn’t bother me. She really does look amazing – relaxed and beautiful. Kate Mara (Rooney’s big sister) is wearing a gown that’s too big on her and a little immature with its pink-and-glitter factor.
7:09: J. Mendel confirms Kristen Wiig (Bridesmaids) is wearing their label, but I haven’t seen her yet.
7:04: Maya Rudolph is talking to Ryan, so I get to orgasm over her dress up close. Seriously, this girl has never looked better – hair, makeup, gown, the whole thing.
7:02: Jonah Hill brought his mom! Precious. He looks so nervous and excited and amazed to be here, it’s incredibly endearing. He’s wearing a ring that I can’t quite stand, and I’m never a fan of black-on-black-on-black, but he looks great. And his mom is adorable.
6:58: Octavia Spencer is in a short-sleeved nude-cream beaded gown, cinched slightly at the waist. It’s Tadashi Shoji, whom she has been devoted to throughout awards season. It’s simple, and it might look boring in photos, but when you can see the beading up-close, it’s really lovely.
6:56: Celebrity stylist Brad Goreski styled the beautiful Maya Rudolph tonight. She’s in custom Johanna Johnson, Neil Lane jewels and a Ferragamo purse. We have Brad to thank for turning around her sometimes disappointing style choices!
6:55: Busy Phillipps looks pissed as hell that Ryan didn’t have time for her because Rooney Mara is next up at bat. It’s Givenchy as expected, and she says she only picked it this morning. Maybe that explains the terrible fit and the general creepiness of it.
6:53: Up close with Michelle Williams. Louis Vuitton it’s almost red, but more coral. It’s got some truly beautiful handiwork on it and it’s not as painfully twee as I expected. And her necklace is just lovely.
6:51: Twitter tells me Michelle Williams’ possibly-amazing, still-need-another-glance red gown is by Louis Vuitton.
6:49: I think I hate what Rooney Mara (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo)is wearing. She looks as severe as you can possibly imagine.
6:44: Michelle Williams’s red strapless gown is not at all boring – it’s incredibly intricate and it might be amazing. I still need more information. Leslie Mann is in a phenomenally beautiful strapless navy gown by Roberto Cavalli.
6:43: Rooney Mara arrives in white. And confirmed: Maya Rudolph’s eggplant gown with glittery shoulder embellishments is AMAZING. Best she’s ever looked.
6:41: Viola Davis is here. I am so glad she lost her wig, and she’s in a green strapless Vera Wang gown. Very textured, very complicated. If it came up two inches higher on her tits, I would love it. But MAN, is that a lot of Viola.
6:37: Jonah Hill (Moneyball) is in a black suit/shirt/tie combo, Viola Davis is in green, and Maya Rudolph is in something that looks purple and embellished and way more amazing than anything I’ve seen her in before. But I’ll need more than a one-second glimpse before I judge.
6:33: George Clooney is carrying Giorgio Armani on his back. His bowtie is not as adorable as Ryan’s. Shit, menswear is hard to write about!
6:29: Michelle Williams (My Week with Marilyn) and her BFF Busy Phillipps have arrived! I caught a quick glimpse – Michelle was in something red and simple and possibly boring, and Busy was in something a little Grecian and dark green. Oh, and Giuliana confirmed that Jessica Chastain is in McQueen, but I know you trust me as your primary source, dear readers.
6:26: Marilyn, Jessica Chastain’s grandma, was TOTALLY PREPARED to answer the “who are you wearing” question! Adorable! And Jessica said, “Thank you for being so nice to my Nana!” to Ryan! This is officially the cutest red carpet of all time. Where’s Sacha Baron Cohen?
6:25: Ryan Seacrest and Jessica Chastain are meeting for the first time! She’s so fucking charming, and she’s a GINGER, and she’s the most beautiful woman in the universe. Her gown is black and strapless with amazing gold embellishments. No necklace, beautiful gold earrings. AND SHE BROUGHT HER GRANDMA!
6:23: Shailene Woodley (The Descendants) FINALLY does something right with her hair! It’s a miracle! She’s in a demure white long-sleeved gown by Valentino couture. It’s lovely.
6:21: JESSICA. CHASTAIN. (The Help) LOOKS. AMAZING. I’m almost certain it’s McQueen but I’m double-checking. Holy God, she looks incredible!
6:20: Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids)and Brian Atwood (epic shoe designer) have been best friends since HIGH SCHOOL! That is phenomenal information! He made her purse and shoes and wrote a message on the bottom of her shoes! I am the definition of kvelling!
6:19: I spy Stacey Keibler (Clooney’s date) in this Marchesa Fall 2012 gown I predicted Lea Michele would wear.
6:18: Oh, right. Billy Crystal is hosting. This might be awful.
6:13: Berenice Bejo (The Artist) is in a “minty” gray Elie Saab gown. I’m not loving it but I’m not hating it.
6:12: Ellie Kemper (Bridesmaids, The Office) looks astounding in Armani Prive. It’s a “Hollywood rust”-colored strapless gown. It’s phenomenal with her dark red hair. #ilovegingers
6:10: Wendi McLendon-Covey, the other chick from Bridesmaids, is in Louboutin accessories and a lovely but safe nude-pink cocktail dress.
6:09: Rose Byrne and her terrible bangs are here! She’s in black one-shouldered sequined Vivienne Westwood and Jimmy Choo shoes. She looks better than usual, but the sound of her voice is a bit grating.
6:08: Rose Byrne is in Vivienne Westwood, but I haven’t seen her yet. Kelly Osbourne’s purple-gray hair has never looked worse.
6:07: Wolfgang Puck looks fantastic in his formal chef’s jacket! Also, don’t you feel like Tilda Swinton and Rooney Mara would totally wear that jacket?
6:06: Yum! I’m ready to judge bitches.
5:49: No one’s on the carpet yet and I need a snack break. Be back in ten, dear readers!
5:44: Seriously, is it just me, or is Ryan Seacrest just totally removed from tonight’s proceedings? He sounds like he might strangle Kermit in the next ten minutes. (That’s a fight I’d like to see.)
5:41: Kermit and Miss Piggy have arrived! Ryan Seacrest is doing a terrible job of pretending he can take his own job seriously anymore. Understandably so.
5:37: Oh, Ross from E!, I’d give anything to never have to hear your voice again. But I’m jealous that your job is to stand by a pool and ignore all the celebrities.
5:35: 11-year-old Amara Miller (The Descendants) is wearing Valentino and she looks too adorable for words. Love her curls – don’t let Hollywood make you straighten and dye them yet, darling!
5:33: Ryan Seacrest is in a Burberry tux. He does look delicious, for a tiny little nymph of a man.
5:32: Allegedly, Zoe Saldana and Bradley Cooper are making their red carpet debut as a couple at tonight’s Oscars! They’d make disgustingly beautiful babies. And if anyone cares, Giuliana Rancic is in Tony Ward. I’ll give it to her – this may be the best she’s ever looked, no matter how irritating she is.
5:30: Hello, dear readers! I’m blogging along live with E!’s red carpet coverage, which is sure to be infinitely more boring than my coverage. I mean, that’s why you’re here, isn’t it?