Beyoncé gave us the greatest holiday present of all time – a new eponymous album with seventeen ridiculously sexy music videos. This holiday season, Democracy Diva’s gift to you is an in-depth analysis of every outfit from every video. You’re welcome.
“Pretty Hurts” introduces us to Beauty Queen Beyoncé. For the record, her socks say “gangsta.” I repeat: her SOCKS. Say “gangsta.” This might be the best fashion decision of the last century, you guys.
That bedazzled Dolce & Gabbana top looks like it was invented just for Bey. Also, I dare anyone else on the planet to try rocking high-waisted acid-washed jorts without looking like a complete asshole. Sorry, universe – only Bey has that power.
Skeptical Plastic Surgery Patient Bey is one of my favorite of the nearly infinite number of alter egos our girl adopts throughout these videos. Mostly because that jewelry is PERFECT.
A few years ago, I was struggling to come up with the name for a color that was like turquoise, but much darker, and my boyfriend portmanteau-ed it into “darquoise,” because he is brilliant. Anyway, Bey should wear darquoise more often, because clearly, this color is absolutely stunning on her.
Let’s all pray to the fashion gods that metal workout corsets don’t become a thing.
In which Bey’s beautiful body gets judged by androgynous aliens.
Most of the fashion in these videos doesn’t really have a place outside of a pop star’s performance wardrobe, but I’d wear this dress in a heartbeat. Fuck it – I’d wear the bunny ears too.
All I want for belated Hannukah is a 1950s pin-up style swimsuit.
I’m too pale to wear a black swimsuit without looking like a zebra, but I absolutely adore this.
Pensive Bey is another one of my favorite alter egos. This is what she looks like when she’s dreaming up intensely detailed songs and videos for all of us to enjoy by dancing around in our underwear to them. This is a genius at work, bithces.
“Haunted” is probably my favorite video from the album. It’s the creepiest fucking thing in the world, random fashion models make lots of terrifying appearances, and Bey makes me want to kiss her and run away from her all at the same time. Also, that Cruella de Vil coat is TOO AWESOME FOR WORDS.
Bey’s booty in this video is haunting me. For real. I had a dream about it after I watched this video for the first time. I don’t even know if Bey was there, or if it was just her disembodied booty dancing through the skies.
SO FUCKING FANTASTIC I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO HANDLE IT. It would have been positively regal even without the crown (you know, if royals like to lounge around in obscenely expensive lingerie), but the crown was a stroke of genius.
Drunk in Love
One of the many songs that makes us insanely jealous of Bey and Jay’s sex life. No matter how great the sex you’re having is, I promise you, theirs is better, because it involves vintage swimsuits and completely sheer dresses.
Roller-Disco Beyoncé is having a pretty good time, but that person all the way on the right is having a way, WAY better time. Look at that face!
Flashdance Beyoncé has possibly the greatest hair of all time.
Thrift Shop Beyoncé sees Macklemore’s fur fox skin, and raises him a FUCKING TIGER COAT. Oh, and that bicycle is a work of art. And can you spot Bey’s little sister Solange? (She’s the one in the polka dots with the fabulous afro. This is like a way more awesome version of Where’s Waldo.)
Day-Glo Beyoncé makes me want to throw out all my yoga pants and comfy tees, and start jogging around my neighborhood in this get-up. (I live in a very gay-friendly neighborhood, so I bet my neighbors would appreciate the reference.)
All these years, I’ve been living a lie, thinking that roller skates are supposed to go on your feet. I clearly could not have been more wrong, as nothing looks as awesome as the way Bey is draping them around her like a scarf.
Sporty Beyoncé is surprisingly low-maintenance. Don’t worry – that doesn’t last long.
I’m from New Jersey, so I don’t know much about pumping gas. Is this the preferred outfit for such an activity?
Eskimo Beyoncé has the world’s cutest dog and I want to steal it.
Since Bey is feeling herself up so passionately, you cannot actually tell that this bodysuit has pierced nipples. I repeat: the bodysuit itself has pierced nipples. I have never heard of anything so needlessly weird and yet hilariously awesome. Also, can we all start wearing lace masks? Because that’s kind of a great look.
I really need to buy some new underwear. I clearly haven’t been doing things right, since none of my bras or panties have fringe tassels.
I’m predisposed to hate everything Herve Leger makes, but this bodysuit is EVERYTHING. At least on Bey. When paired with a series of increasingly ridiculous coats.
No, Bey is not wearing a leopard print bodysuit. That’s leopard print lighting, projected all over her body. YOU GUYS. I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. WHY AREN’T WE ALL WEARING LEOPARD PRINT PROJECTIONS EVERYWHERE WE GO?
Evil Queen from Snow White Beyoncé is another of my favorite alter egos. Also, could my hair look like that every day, please?
Madonna-meets-Rocky Horror Beyoncé is almost too much fierceness for me to even handle. And I don’t like to brag, but I can handle quite a bit of fierceness.
Late Night Streetwalker Beyoncé is the cause of 80% of traffic accidents in America.
Solid Gold Beyoncé knows that seeing just one of her perfect ass is insufficient. So she sits on a mirror so that we can gaze upon the glory of her magnificent behind from two angles at once.
I want to wear this coat every day for the rest of my life.
Punk Ballerina Beyoncé knows that ear cuffs have been all over the red carpet since the Met Gala. But there’s something uniquely beautiful about the juxtaposition of her spiked-and-studded jewelry and her delicate lace outfit.
Coolest Girl at the Hipster Bar that’s also an Arcade Beyoncé requests another round of P.B.R.s, please.
If you expect me to come up with something witty to say, I’m sorry, but it’s not going to happen here. I’m just going to stare at how magnificently beautiful she looks in these pictures all day long.
Casual Jammies Beyoncé wants you to know that she reads the paper and drinks coffee and wears boys’ clothes to sleep just like the rest of us. JUST KIDDING, SHE’S NOTHING LIKE THE REST OF US, AND THAT COFFEE IS ACTUALLY MADE OF DIAMONDS.
Sly Dishwashing Beyonce wants you to know that while the kitchen is clean, her mind is anything but.
Angelic Beyoncé knows that she could have played Maria in The Sound of Music without even trying. And while playing every other role as well.
Flapper Beyoncé should probably not be attempting a spacewalk in such an unprotected outfit, but her aura of fierceness will likely shield her from the elements.
Beyoncé’s dress is probably on backwards and she does not give a fuck.
Coney Island Beyoncé is about to puke all over that roller coaster, but don’t worry. She’s a really pretty puker.
Grungy Beyoncé woke up like this. You might not be able to sleep in a metal belt in a terrifying dilapidated basement, but don’t worry. Bey can.
Camo Beyoncé knows the importance of coloring your hair to match your clothes while rioting against the police. It allows for less detection while also looking cool as shit.
Beyoncé’s Underboob: as beautiful and legendary as the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. But bouncier.
I know I’m Jewish, but whatever church has people dressed like this, I want to go to there.
Vintage Italian Film Star Beyoncé is working the shit out of that gigantic hat.
Sporty Beyoncé returns to dance with some adorable children.
If I could grow up to be anything in the universe, it would be Drag Queen Peacock Beyoncé.
Nothing makes your biological clock start ticking like lots of shots of Bey holding her beautiful baby that looks just like Jay. Seriously, you guys, my uterus was weeping by the end of this video.
Island Vacation Beyoncé can mix eight thousand prints together and still look effortlessly casual.
Punk Rock Prom Queen Beyoncé is the absolute greatest, from crown to necklace to gloves. I want to LIVE in this photo.
Old School Beyoncé gets silly with Kelly, and it’s basically the happiest thing on earth.
New Wave Space Cowgirl Beyoncé is everything I want to be. I don’t even know what’s happening here, but if it involves those boots, I know I love it.
Editor’s Note: All photos are screenshots of Beyonce’s videos, taken by the author. Feel free to reuse these photos, but please link to this post if you do so. Happy holidays!