Welcome to another episode of America’s Next Top Panty Designer that Heidi Will Steal From!
The Challenge: The designers are tasked with creating lingerie inspired by Heidi’s lingerie line, of course, and later, they’re told to design a robe or cover-up to go with it. The winning look will be sold as part of Heidi’s line, which I guess is the excuse for plastering Heidi’s nearly-nude body all over every wall of the workroom. As if this show hasn’t done enough to stoop to America’s Next Top Model‘s level, now we’ve got Heidi going full Tyra all over the place. It’s disgusting. As is Blake, who again seems to think his short-sighted, offensively selfish outlook on the world is simply adorable, as he boasts about being a womenswear fashion designer who understands virtually nothing of women’s undergarments or bodies. What an ignorant little baby. As Zac Posen for once wisely and as always sarcastically said, “good luck.”
And speaking of women’s bodies, has there ever been a more uncomfortable post-runway “up close and personal” with the models’ garments? The judges simply could not keep their hands off the models’ breasts – and not for necessity of explaining something about the bra itself. I sat in full cringe mode the entire time, even as the judges were discussing garments, and not bodies, because the handsiness of the situation was really difficult to watch. Then the judges started remaking about a black model’s butt (which was, it should be noted, the only body part that got special commentary from the judges). Dear fellow white people: PLEASE STOP IT. Even if the models’ bodies were complimented or critiqued equally, and those comments got edited out, this was all-around unpleasant to watch.
Oh, and there was a sleepover on the runway. The producers’ excuses for getting Tim Gunn into increasingly absurd outfits are getting thinner by the week.
Guest Judge: Bella Thorne. She was as useless as a D-list starlet usually is in this situation, though the challenge really just called for a guest judge who would blindly agree with Heidi.
ASHLEY NELL TIPTON
Cute bra; decent panties; fucking adorable robe. I’ll take one of those in every color.
Truly the worst look in Project Runway history – so much so that I’m actually shocked the judges made the rare sober-minded decision to send Blake home. Also, is the shoe selection on their Bullshit Accessories Wall so limited that Blake AND Ashley AND Swapnil’s models had to wear the same pair of shoes?
Was it this garment that made Tim remark that “if she’s only missing a whip, you’re doing something wrong”? I think so, but either way, what a shockingly narrow-minded view of things. You know my love for Tim is eternal, but sometimes he really shows what a fussy old man he is. For God’s sake, Tim, it’s LINGERIE, not an Oscars gown. Loosen up.
Anyway, I dig the lingerie and hate the robe. That’s another problem with this challenge – it lends itself to almost no creativity whatsoever, at least not the kind that’s visible on a TV screen, when the designers are told to make something that fits into a preexisting, and very limiting, collection. There’s not much to critique besides “that looks terrible” and “I could see someone wearing that.” And of course, even if tons of creativity went into each and every garment, Heidi’s still picking the one that’s cheapest to mass-produce, so this entire episode could not have been more of a waste of time.
Nice color. That’s really all I can say. This was a yawn and a half.
Jake didn’t know whether he was making lingerie, a swimsuit, or a machine to cut off circulation to a woman’s legs. It wasn’t quite as bad as the judges claimed – nothing even came close to matching the terror Blake put his poor model through – but it was certainly weak.
JOSEPH CHARLES POLI
The panties don’t fit that well, but I’m a sucker for pretty much any bright color paired with gray. Also, maybe this entire runway show would have made more sense if the women weren’t all wearing heels. I’m not saying they had to be in bunny slippers, but barefoot probably would have made all these women look a lot more at home in UNDERWEAR, for God’s sake. Not that heels have no place in the bedroom, but these shoes seemed to take away from the looks rather than add to them.
By far and away my favorite look of the night. Sporty and modern, strong and chic, with a robe built for an incredibly chic boxer. I’ve suspected for awhile that the judges were just going to ignore Kelly until they pull out some cheap excuse to send her home, but I’m sad she got overlooked for this entry. Particularly when the winning look was, yet again, a crock of shit.
I’ve started to find Laurie’s personality adorable (well, I did, until she mentioned she finds Blake’s childish behavior “hilarious”), but I can’t say her aesthetic is living up to that. I cringed every time I looked at those panties, knowing we’d be getting more than an eyeful of vulva if the model didn’t have nude undergarments on beneath them. And what is that coverup – a cape? If you’re going to dress up as a sexy superhero, good for you, girl, and your nerdy partner is in for a TREAT, but there are about a billion better ways to do it than this.
Not too shabby, considering Lindsey sliced her hand open with scissors and had to leave the workroom for a tetanus shot and a stitch in the middle of the workday. It still looks like she had ten times as much time to create her look as Blake did for his. I think the underwear doesn’t really fall in the right place – it seems to start halfway up the model’s back, and come down to just above the middle of her ass – but I like the colors, and the concept of the sheer panty on top of the thong.
Garbage. The photos don’t even do justice to the “held together with spit and a prayer” vibe that this garment displayed on the runway. Everything about it was poorly fit and poorly sewn, and the concept wasn’t as brilliant or architectural as the judges would have us believe. And I don’t even know what that robe is. But, it’s cheaper to mass produce something that doesn’t have an underwire, so this is the garment that won.
I guess putting Swapnil in the top three fits into the show’s narrative, because that’s the only reason I can see this as a serious contender. I guess it could have slid into my top three above Candice’s look, but I still felt it was quite overpraised. It’s better up-close, but it was still overworked, and all that texture looks extremely unfortunate in photographs. It also felt much more like swimwear than lingerie.
Here’s hoping for a challenge that actually inspires the designers themselves, let alone the audience watching.
Judges’ Top 3: Merline, Swapnil, Ashley
Diva’s Top 3: Kelly, Ashley, Candice
Judges’ Bottom 3: Laurie, Jake,
Diva’s Bottom 3: Jake, Laurie, Blake