Sorry for the hiatus, but this Diva was traipsing around England with her pals. Now that I’ve been home twelve hours, though, it’s of course to catch up on some long-awaited blogging! I present to you, by popular demand, the best and worst of the fashion at Cannes Film Festival 2010!

Fab Front, Dreadful Derriere

I have no idea what Milla Jovovich does. I couldn’t tell you if she’s a movie or TV actress, and I probably wouldn’t be able to look at her and tell you her name off the top of my head, but I do know that she just sort of exists and sometimes wears mildly interesting things. Like the gown above – a golden pink pattern, almost floral, almost glittering, fierce shoes and jewels. But you see that dark train peeking out the back, and it’s like an omen of the horror that is to come.

Milla, no. Why must this sweet dress be ruined by a dirty brown crinkled mess that has nothing to do with the rest of the gown? You would have looked so sweet and lovely if the back of the gown had been trainless and matched the front. Please, starlets, remember to look in a three-way mirror before leaving the house, so you can be aware of the yards of excess fabric cascading off your bum.

The Bitsy Von Muffling Effect

Unless you are a middle-aged woman living in a stuffy old townhouse on the Upper East Side, and you have a penchant for gin and passive-aggression, there is no reason to wear this outfit. It’s not that Cate doesn’t look beautiful, it’s just so ladies-who-lunch, Trey’s mother on Sex and the City, WASPy aged trophy wife.

The Power Dress

When I am a fabulously successful lawyer and have made my way into the history books as the attorney who fought and won the landmark case that legalized same-sex marriage nationwide, someone please remind me to strut around my office in this eggplant wonder of a dress. And since I’m taking over the world, I’ll take those Fendi shoes as well.

Best AND Worst: Marion Cotillard Edition

Off the crimson carpet, Ms. Cotillard dons a perfect little dress for traipsing around France, and her fun Ray-Bans add an artsy flair. But of course, even in the daytime and away from the movie premieres, a true French fashion icon is never without her Christian Louboutin heels. BUT…

Okay, my divalicious readers, say it with me: NO. MORE. JUMPSUITS. Adding insult to injury, this jumpsuit is corseted, glittery, and paired with the worst possible shoes for that ensemble. Marion, darling, just because your outfit pushes your titties up to your earlobes does not mean it is fashionable. Please leave all jumpers, jumpsuits, rompers, jodhpurs, and all other offending pantgear at the door, thanks.

Best AND Worst: Michelle Williams Edition

I swear, this Dawson’s Creek alum gets better looking every year. She’s like the female hipster mommy version of George Clooney. She’s head-to-toe perfection – her platinum pixie-cut is uber-fresh and stylish, the makeup is breezy and natural, the dress is trendy, fun, and youthful, and the espadrille shoes are cute as can be. I’d wear this outfit in a heartbeat. BUT…

This is a sad nightgown that doubles as a shower curtain, not a red carpet look. It’s shapeless, ill-fitted, wrinkled, too long, and boring.

Fabulous in Fuschia

I hate looking at that color next to the red carpet, but were she standing on any other color, she’d look just perfect. Fabulous, modern, fun, formal – Jason Wu is building himself quite the reputation in the fashion world, and this gown shows just why that fabulous rep is well-deserved.

Worst Dressed

Elizabeth Banks is so infuriatingly hit-or-miss lately. I really want to like her, despite some bitchy comments she’s made in the press, because she’s one of the only actually funny women who gets cast in Judd Apatow movies who isn’t Apatow’s wife. It’s hard to find a woman who’s beautiful, marketable, and truly funny – funny in a way that both men and women can appreciate. But Elizabeth, if you don’t stop wearing tie-dyed mullet gowns with cotton candy on the shoulders, I will withdraw all my support of your career. It’s time to hire a new stylist – one who appreciates how stunning you are and enhances that beauty instead of detracting from it.

The Queen of Cannes: Kate Beckinsale

Kate Beckinsale was one of the judges at Cannes this year, and therefore she was on every red carpet, all day, every day, in a zillion different oufits, giving this Diva plenty to say about her. Let’s dive in to some of her fashion choices at Cannes.

Kate’s Best

I’d have gone with different shoes, but this gown is absolutely breathtaking. The color, the fit, the shape – it’s all there, and it’s all fabulous. She looks statuesque and regal, but she should have gone with shoes that matched the dress or purse a little better. And I hate that sort of keyhole-shaped peep toe; I think it’s very unflattering to the foot.

Excess Pouf

I love the draping on the bodice of the gown, and I think Marchesa is genius for the way they design layers upon layers of crinoline and tulle, but I think this is a bit much for the red carpet. It may work on the runway, but Kate gets completely lost in this sear of fabric from the hips down. I love the iced periwinkle/lilac color, and I think it’s a flawless look for the top half of her body, but I can’t support that amount of unstructured poofiness on just anybody.

Kate and Carey, Same Style, Same Event!

This probably would have been my pick for Kate’s best look of the festival (though I don’t love the length), until I noticed what Carey Mulligan wore to the same event…

So apparently, glittering, bedazzled mock neckties/bowties/bows are hot. I liked the trend well enough on Kate, but Carey made me dislike it on both of them – it just seems sort of kitschy and dumb, no?

Fabulous Curtains

I’d kill to have this gown hanging on my windows, but as far as an actual gown, I think it suffers from the same problems that Michelle Williams pink, curtain-esque, shapeless gown did. I just don’t think gowns like this are particularly flattering, even in a beautiful color and fabric. But the jeweled neckline is certainly exquisite.

Sexiest Gown

That slit is dangerously high, but goddamn it if those aren’t some of the best legs I’ve ever seen.

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Tune in for more fashion later!