MTV Movie Awards 2010 Red Carpet

Nothing provides me with as much fodder for bashing celebs as the MTV Movie Awards – except, perhaps, the MTV VMAs. So let’s start making fun of some fame-whores, shall we?

Least Surprising Fuck Up

 

Lindsay Lohan is wearing a bedazzled floor-length jumpsuit. I can’t say I’m surprised, I just feel the need to remind Ms. Lohan that Diana Ross is calling from Studio 54, and she wants her outfit back. And her cocaine, too. Now, kids, prepare yourself for the close-up:

Lindsay Lohan

Oof. Eyeliner smeared beneath the eyes – any lady who’s ever had a few too many cocktails knows that look, and it’s called DRUNKFACE. But we don’t have personal assistants and stylists who can hold up a mirror to us in the limo and say, “Honey, fix yourself.” So at least we have an excuse for running around with our makeup melting off our faces. Lindsay has no such excuse – she just clearly knocked back several cocktails (let’s hope it was only cocktails… and only several) right before she got out of the car.

And, honey, what’s with the boobs? Didn’t you used to have the nicest rack in Hollywood? Your tatties look very depressed, like they’re running away from that freckly patch beneath your saggy pair. And for the love of God, Lindsay, go back to your natural hair color. You have never looked remotely attractive as anything other than a redhead.

Most Surprising Successes

 

I’m fairly certain I’ve never said one positive word about Kristen Stewart before. She somehow scored the leading role in one of the biggest book/movie series ever, even though she’s unattractive AND untalented AND a total bitch who resents all her fame and success. Honey, nobody made you audition for a highly anticipated movie based on a wildly popular bestselling novel. You knew what you were getting yourself into – don’t fucking mope around LA like your life is so miserable.

Before I go off on a complete tangent, let’s get back to the clothes. Ms. Stewart almost always looks like shit, because she has no style, never stands up straight, and always looks miserable. But I have to say, I think this might be the best she’s ever looked. The dress and shoes are undoubtedly gorgeous, she’s learned how to pose like an actual celebrity, and she almost looks like she’s having an okay time!

Kristen Stewart

And this is definitely the most beautiful her face has ever looked. I never noticed before that her eyes are stunning and her skin is lovely. I wish she’d styled her hair, but then again, this is the MTV Movie Awards. People wear jeans on the red carpet to such a bullshit event. Her makeup is natural and lovely, and she only slightly looks like someone just farted in her face.

Whitney Port in Yigal Azrouel

I don’t like Whitney Port on principle, because she’s another famous-for-no-reason wannabe fashion designer with no discernible talent for fashion. But I think she looks unbelievably sexy here. I hate the thick black eyeliner – I think it emphasizes how heavy-lidded and weird-looking her eyes are – and I wish her roots were a few shades lighter, but I love everything else. The dress is beyond gorgeous. Naked-looking, but not actually revealing. Great color, perfect fit, and those shoes add a level of complex styling that I didn’t know Whitney was capable of. And I think she might be wearing a watch, which I respect, because women rarely do that anymore.

Best Accessories/Worst Britney Impersonator

 

Let’s start with the essentials: the dress. From far away, it just looks like she’s covered in lint. And we’ve all seen this outfit before – it’s just a more modest version of Britney’s infamous nude-and-sequined outfit in her “Toxic” video. But there are actually a lot of things I love about what’s happening here, which is particularly surprising, since Katy Perry is up there with Rihanna and J.Lo on the list of my least favorite celebrities, on and off the red carpet.

I actually love the blue color of the wig. What I hate about the wig is those awful bangs that Katy insists upon wearing even though they look terrible on everybody, particularly Katy, who is not a natural beauty, just a decent-looking girl with a great makeup artist. But I actually think that crazy blue is gorgeous with the dress and just nutty enough for the MTV Awards. Those yellow neon nails are so eye-catching and fun, and the best surprise is how they match the shoes:

Katy Perry’s shoes

Come on. Those shoes are gorgeous in their own right, and the matching nail color is just perfection. There were some great style moments in this outfit, but they don’t quite compensate for Katy Perry’s general suckiness.

The #2 Reason I Didn’t Date in High School…

 

…BECAUSE THIS IS ACTUALLY WHAT GUYS ON THE JERSEY SHORE LOOK LIKE. This is not even an exaggeration of what they look like – this is actually how fucking stupid most of the guys in my area actually look, complete with the fake tans, excessive jewelry, and truly horrific haircuts. As Cher wisely said in Clueless, “So okay, I don’t want to be a traitor to my generation and all, but I don’t get how guys dress today. I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair – ew – and cover it up with a backwards cap and like, we’re expected to swoon? I don’t think so!” The styles may have changed, but the sentiment remains true as ever.

For those who were wondering, the #1 reason I didn’t date in high school was because I was only attracted to gay men. But I bet you could have guessed that.

Lord of the Ice

 

Johnny Weir is a rock star. Well, not by profession, because he’s actually an Olympic figure skater, but he has the soul of a total fucking rock star. He’s also one of the only Olympic skaters who actually embraces what a huge homo he is. They all embrace it on the ice – I mean, you sort of have to, as there’s basically nothing gayer than figure skating except ice dancing and Liza Minelli – but J.Weir is loud and proud about what a queen he is. And while he sort of looks like the love child of Lady Gaga and Peewee Herman, I applaud him for that fierce blazer and festively cocooning his neck in crinoline for no apparent reason.

But honey, I’d fix the makeup. Either go all-out, and do eye makeup in addition to the copious amounts of blush and lipstick you’re sporting, or nix the makeup altogether. This just looks unfinished.

Fashion Week Favorite

 

Nothing makes me feel better as a fashion blogstress than when my favorite looks from New York Fashion Week get worn by celebrities on the red carpet. As you may remember, this was the final look in Zac Posen’s Fall 2010 collection, which I blogged about as one of my favorites. Fritzy (that’s what I call Anna Kendrick – the character she played in Camp before anybody but me and Cameron knew she existed) looks utterly fabulous here from head to toe. One of her arms is hidden, but I hope it bears a fabulous bracelet, as she looks a little under-accessorized. But this dress is gorgeous without being too fancy for the event, and that’s a difficult line to walk.

Least Relevant

 

It truly depresses me how hard Christina is trying to be Lady Gaga. Christina, you are not Lady Gaga, and you will never be Lady Gaga. And that’s okay – because you’re fucking Christina Aguilera! You have one of the best voices in pop music history, you had a long and brilliant career, and now you have a beautiful husband and child (both Jewish, I might add). You don’t need to be resorting to auto-tuned vocals and over-sexed, overly dramatic music videos and gimmicky costumes. I love Gaga, but we don’t need more that one of her. Just be proud of being Christina, and people might actually still like you. But now you’re just depressing the shit out of us as you try to cling to your youth and fame. And this dress is downright fugly.

Best Dressed/Most Awkward Presenter

 

I could only stomach about ten minutes of the actual awards show, because MTV hasn’t been relevant to my life since 7th grade, and all I really cared about was seeing Betty White and whether Malfoy would win the award for Best Villain. MTV decided to script a super-awkward conversation between ScarJo and Sandra Bullock which of course ended in a lesbian kiss, because it’s MTV. But regardless of how uncomfortable that is, or how hilarious it was to see Betty White politely clapping while those ladies shared a weak-ass, forced kiss, Scarlett looked simply amazing. I would never have worn something this classy on MTV – I’d have saved it for a more formal or less youthful event – but I can’t deny that this look is nearly flawless. I think she might be wearing blue nail polish, which I strongly oppose, but that may just be the lighting. And again, this dress demands a glittery bracelet or necklace to be complete. But all in all, this ensemble is excellent.

More fashion to come later, straight from the red carpet at the Sex and the City 2 premieres!

The Weekly Fashion Recap

The Diva Herself is now a college graduate, but fortunately that just gives her even more time to blog about fashion, feelings, and anything else that pops into her exhausted brain.

Best Newcomer

Gemma Arterton in Valentino

I just love it when nobodies step up to the plate! This fabulous lady is starring in Prince of Persia, and wore this Valentino gown to the premiere. I know the silver strands are a bit tinsel-esque, but the dress is gorgeous. The color is beautiful and matches her skin tone perfectly. Hair and makeup are simple and elegant, but I do wish she had glitzed it up a bit with some accessories. But for a newbie, this is a tremendous success.

Last Week’s Fabulous, This Week’s Fugly

Jennifer Lopez in Gucci

I knew my appreciation for J.Lo was going to be short-lived, but this was a shockingly fast return to fugly for the diva who impressed me at the Met Gala. That mess on top of her head looks like a cheap wig. The earrings are just too much, especially since they dangle down to the monstrosity atop her right shoulder. Seriously, women of Hollywood, why do you insist on wearing dresses with big poofy objects on one shoulder? They nearly always look terrible. And as distracting as that shoulder piece is, it can’t hide the fact that this is a boring dress with no design whatsoever. It makes her look like a pregnant midget impersonator of Jennifer Lopez. Better luck next week, Jenn.

Gucci Done Right

Salma Hayek in Gucci

There is something so uniquely glamorous about a dress that matches the red carpet perfectly. And this dress is absolutely beautiful. The slit is sexy but not overdone, the draping is impeccable, the fit is perfect, and she looks every bit the fiery Latina that she is.

The Definition of “Hot Disaster”

Whitney Port in Rachel Roy

Whitney Port is one of those famous-for-no-reason people that I loathe on principle. But now at least I have a very good reason to hate her. Actually, this look gives me many good reasons to hate her. Let’s start from the top:

  • Your roots are chestnut brown. Your tips are platinum blonde. This is a problem.
  • Your tits look saggier than Betty White’s. Wear a fucking bra.
  • I hate the watch, the purse, and the black nail polish. I’ll say it again: black nail polish is fine when you’re out on the town, but it is very difficult to pull off on the red carpet.
  • There is an ugly, puckered seam that starts at her hips and reaches down into the hottest mess of fabric I’ve ever seen. Seriously, what is that draping supposed to look like? Because I can’t imagine anyone designing something that was intended to look this awful.
  • Those may be the trashiest looking shoes I’ve ever seen. They match the sequined tube top that Columbia wears in Rocky Horror perfectly, but that doesn’t grant them access to the red carpet.

Best of the Runway

Christian Dior Resort 2011

This is utter fabulousness. This woman is a modern Jackie O, strutting through the streets of Paris in the springtime in her impeccably designed floral ensemble. The color is breathtaking, it emanates beauty and whimsy, and while some designers use their resort collections to go a bit flashy and trashy, Dior classes it up with this gorgeous outfit that I’d die to wear.

Worst of the Week

Vanessa Hudgens

Another day, another head-to-toe disaster. Now, I myself rock a messy bun atop my head now and again – when I’m washing my face, when I’m impersonating Cindy Lou Who… well, I guess that’s basically it. There is no excuse for wearing such a hairstyle on the red carpet, and yet it’s absolutely everywhere right now. But I suppose it’s fitting, since her dress is equally awful. It’s poorly designed, it doesn’t fit her, the fabrics are tacky as hell, it’s a wrinkled mess, it makes her look pregnant, and it looks home-sewn. And while some stars can occasionally rock black nail polish on the red carpet under very specific circumstances, black TOE nail polish looks good on absolutely nobody, especially with those tacky stripper shoes.

When this Diva regains her energy and faces her feelings, she’ll be continuing her “Shows that Changed My Life” blog series. Stay tuned.

The Week in Fashion

Best of the Runway

 

Though no one above a size zero could really wear a dress with that tummy cutout in the middle, this dress is magnificent. I’d be shocked if we didn’t see this on the red carpet this season. My only hope is that stars brave it out and wear this dress exactly as its shown, instead of editing it down to something more boring. But this was the best piece in a pretty stellar collection by Versace.

Best and Worst

 

I was beyond relieved to see SJP step out in this gorgeous Lanvin frock. She used to be one of my favorite stars to watch on the red carpet, but in recent years, she seems to have made the conscious decision to stop aging gracefully and dress like a tween star. Thankfully, she resisted that urge, and wore something sexy, eye-catching, and age appropriate. Last week, I had a cab driver tell me I looked like Sarah Jessica Parker – maybe I can actually take that as a compliment?

Sarah Jessica Parker in Marchesa

Nope, it was definitely an insult to be told I look like this lady. And if it wasn’t, I’m certainly insulted now just by looking at this photo. I honestly believe that you would have to be 1/3 of SJP’s age to pull this off. And it’s not because it’s too sexy or revealing, because I think ladies of a certain age should still be able to sex it up. It’s just incredibly immature and clearly designed for a 16-year-old model to wear. Precious as this dress is, it looks completely insane on a 50+ woman. (I just checked, and apparently she’s only 44. She definitely looks above 50, by Hollywood standards, anyway.) SJP’s Team needs to put down the crackpipe and realize that they’re not dressing Miley Cyrus.

Most Offensive Shorts

 

Almost everything in this photo offends me. Let’s go through it point by point.

  • I always thought gladiator sandals were disgusting, but even if you disagree, they’re at least a few seasons out of style now.
  • That necklace is just too much with that outfit. Keep it simple.
  • Haven’t people learned better than to wear horizontal stripes, particularly with something high-waisted? Her legs look fierce, but her torso looks about an inch long.
  • I’m too busy vomiting to talk about how much I loathe those high-waisted baggy shorts.
  • She’s wearing too much blush, her eyebrows are too pointy, and that hairdo is oddly formal. Where are you going that requires an updo, a leather jacket, and fugly shorts? A black tie lesbian motorcycle convention?

When They Colonize The Moon, Let’s Send Her First

 

I am so tired of hating Jennifer Aniston. I really do wish she would just fade into oblivion so I wouldn’t have to see how sad and lonely and poorly dressed she is. She has possibly the most boring fashion sense of any star. This is not only boring, but unflattering and ill-fitting. Also, we get it. You’re a Greek girl with fabulous Greek coloring. Stop wearing Grecian gowns. It’s not cute anymore. She looks like she broke her arm but decided to incorporate the sling into the gown. It’s an awkward length, it drapes very unfortunately across her tummy, she looks like she can’t walk in it, and the color is blah. Also, either stay brunette or go to your colorist more often, because there’s no reason a woman as rich as you should have golden sun-kissed hair with black roots.

Best of the Week

 

To the premiere of her badass rocker film, and her first real adult role, Dakota Fanning wore something sweet and girly as can be. And I think that was a brilliant decision by an incredibly precocious and talented girl. Dakota Fanning will always keep us guessing about what she’s capable of. When we pegged her as a sweet child star, she took a role as a drinking, girl-kissing punk rocker. When we got used to her role in The Runaways, she showed us that she can still be poised, graceful, and feminine. The dress is gorgeous, especially on her porcelain skin. I hope she never gets into the fake tanning scene, because her delicate beauty is just incredible. We already knew she had a long career ahead of her, but now it’s clear that she’s got a lot more tricks up her sleeve.

The Worst of the Week in Fashion

Let’s get bitchy.

Repeat Offender

Jessica Alba in Proenza Schouler

Let’s start at the top and work our way down. First off, FIRE YOUR HAIRDRESSER. Actually, fire everyone who saw you before you made it to the red carpet, because someone clearly should have told you that you look like an escaped mental patient. Next, that dress. It’s trashy, it’s Jennifer Lopez circa 2001, and you look like a mom trying to wear her daughter’s dress (and you’re only 28). And the matchy-matchy platform shoes? Honey, no. You look like you’re about to break your ankle, and I can’t say I’m upset about that.

Jessica Alba

I saw the top half of this photo and thought, okay. It doesn’t really seem like her taste, and it definitely doesn’t seem right for a formal event, and that bracelet next to that print is a bit much, but I do like that dress. Then I saw the black tights, and I thought, why? You’ve got nice legs – no need to hide them and make yourself look like a schoolgirl in the process. And then my eyes landed on the shoes, and my head exploded. Jessica, you need to get your life together. Sure, you have no talent and you’re famous for no reason, but you’re a pretty girl. There’s no reason for you to parade around in heels that the tackiest drag queen on Christopher Street wouldn’t even wear. Please, get help soon.

The Wannabe

Beyonce

Beyonce, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. You are not Lady Gaga. You will never be Lady Gaga. You are Beyonce, which is pretty decent – even fantastic, by most people’s standards. You should just try to be the best Beyonce you can be. And this 1940s pinup-girl-on-acid ensemble is something that you will look back on and regret. Like, tomorrow. I don’t care how many videos you do with Gaga – that doesn’t automatically make everything you wear interesting and provocative instead of flat-out ugly. Move on.

The Thoughts of the Sad Woman in this Dress

Julianne Moore

Hi, everybody! Um, so, I know y’all didn’t really go for my over-exaggerated Boston accent when I was on 30 Rock, but I don’t care! Because I’m still young and relevant and awesome! I can smear kohl all around my eyes, just like those little Gossip Girls! Can’t you tell how happy I am to be wearing Miss Piggy’s kimono by this wonderful smile on my face?! And obviously you can tell how fashion-forward I am, because I’m wearing a seatbelt as an accessory on the red carpet! LOOK HOW HAPPY I AM ABOUT ALL OF THIS!! Okay, can I go home now?

Covergirl Gone Bad

 

What, you thought that just because she wore a Christian Siriano gown, I was going to go easy on RiRi this week? Bitch, please. There is so much wrong with this photo. The eyebrows that were drawn on with magic marker. The mouth that in no way resembles Rihanna’s mouth. The wink, which actually just makes her look like she was punched in the face (oof – too soon?). And the body, which sort of looks like she’s got a low-hanging boob coming out of her back, and no tits on her front. I don’t even blame Rihanna for this travesty – it’s not her fault she had dyslexic Photoshoppers who had no desire to make Rihanna actually look like Rihanna on this cover.

Harem Pants Nightmares

It saddens me to be the bearer of such horrible news: Not one, but TWO celebrities wore harem pants to Fashion Week events.

Ashley Olsen in a mistake

It’s a wrinkled, saggy harem jumpsuit, with an Oriental rug draped over it. But at least she got her hair blown out! (Also, her purse might be made of wood, which might be awesome, but I can’t really tell.)

Whitney Port in her pajamas

You know what? If it were finals week, and I was looking for something besides GW sweatpants that I could wear to Gelman and really be comfortable in, and I hadn’t slept in three days, and I was too wired from coffee to think straight… no, sorry. I still wouldn’t wear those God-awful pants. Harem pants are bad enough – but ROBIN’S EGG BLUE HAREM PANTS? With a tucked-in draped T-shirt? DURING FASHION WEEK? I’d start on her makeup, but I’m afraid she might use her magical genie powers to hurt me, so I’ll bite my tongue.

Remember, readers, I ain’t done blogging yet! It’s New York Fashion Week, which means runway shows are happening practically nonstop, so check here soon for what I loved and hated on the runway.

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