Let’s get bitchy.

Repeat Offender

Jessica Alba in Proenza Schouler

Let’s start at the top and work our way down. First off, FIRE YOUR HAIRDRESSER. Actually, fire everyone who saw you before you made it to the red carpet, because someone clearly should have told you that you look like an escaped mental patient. Next, that dress. It’s trashy, it’s Jennifer Lopez circa 2001, and you look like a mom trying to wear her daughter’s dress (and you’re only 28). And the matchy-matchy platform shoes? Honey, no. You look like you’re about to break your ankle, and I can’t say I’m upset about that.

Jessica Alba

I saw the top half of this photo and thought, okay. It doesn’t really seem like her taste, and it definitely doesn’t seem right for a formal event, and that bracelet next to that print is a bit much, but I do like that dress. Then I saw the black tights, and I thought, why? You’ve got nice legs – no need to hide them and make yourself look like a schoolgirl in the process. And then my eyes landed on the shoes, and my head exploded. Jessica, you need to get your life together. Sure, you have no talent and you’re famous for no reason, but you’re a pretty girl. There’s no reason for you to parade around in heels that the tackiest drag queen on Christopher Street wouldn’t even wear. Please, get help soon.

The Wannabe

Beyonce

Beyonce, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. You are not Lady Gaga. You will never be Lady Gaga. You are Beyonce, which is pretty decent – even fantastic, by most people’s standards. You should just try to be the best Beyonce you can be. And this 1940s pinup-girl-on-acid ensemble is something that you will look back on and regret. Like, tomorrow. I don’t care how many videos you do with Gaga – that doesn’t automatically make everything you wear interesting and provocative instead of flat-out ugly. Move on.

The Thoughts of the Sad Woman in this Dress

Julianne Moore

Hi, everybody! Um, so, I know y’all didn’t really go for my over-exaggerated Boston accent when I was on 30 Rock, but I don’t care! Because I’m still young and relevant and awesome! I can smear kohl all around my eyes, just like those little Gossip Girls! Can’t you tell how happy I am to be wearing Miss Piggy’s kimono by this wonderful smile on my face?! And obviously you can tell how fashion-forward I am, because I’m wearing a seatbelt as an accessory on the red carpet! LOOK HOW HAPPY I AM ABOUT ALL OF THIS!! Okay, can I go home now?

Covergirl Gone Bad

What, you thought that just because she wore a Christian Siriano gown, I was going to go easy on RiRi this week? Bitch, please. There is so much wrong with this photo. The eyebrows that were drawn on with magic marker. The mouth that in no way resembles Rihanna’s mouth. The wink, which actually just makes her look like she was punched in the face (oof – too soon?). And the body, which sort of looks like she’s got a low-hanging boob coming out of her back, and no tits on her front. I don’t even blame Rihanna for this travesty – it’s not her fault she had dyslexic Photoshoppers who had no desire to make Rihanna actually look like Rihanna on this cover.

Harem Pants Nightmares

It saddens me to be the bearer of such horrible news: Not one, but TWO celebrities wore harem pants to Fashion Week events.

Ashley Olsen in a mistake

It’s a wrinkled, saggy harem jumpsuit, with an Oriental rug draped over it. But at least she got her hair blown out! (Also, her purse might be made of wood, which might be awesome, but I can’t really tell.)

Whitney Port in her pajamas

You know what? If it were finals week, and I was looking for something besides GW sweatpants that I could wear to Gelman and really be comfortable in, and I hadn’t slept in three days, and I was too wired from coffee to think straight… no, sorry. I still wouldn’t wear those God-awful pants. Harem pants are bad enough – but ROBIN’S EGG BLUE HAREM PANTS? With a tucked-in draped T-shirt? DURING FASHION WEEK? I’d start on her makeup, but I’m afraid she might use her magical genie powers to hurt me, so I’ll bite my tongue.

Remember, readers, I ain’t done blogging yet! It’s New York Fashion Week, which means runway shows are happening practically nonstop, so check here soon for what I loved and hated on the runway.