Only two will make it out alive. 

FAN BINGBING vs. ZENDAYA COLEMAN

Fan: Oh, are you still here?

Zendaya: *stares off into space*

Fan: Excuse me, but I’m trying to insult you.

Zendaya: Oh, I’m sorry.

Fan: If you could just listen when I’m shit-talking, that would be great.

Zendaya: I didn’t realize I was still required to communicate with lesser species.

Fan: I’m sorry, what was that?

Zendaya: LESSER. SPECIES.

Fan: Where the fuck do you get off?

Zendaya: *gazes out the window*

Fan: Hello?! I’m ranting here!

Zendaya: Hm? What?

Fan: You’re making this really difficult.

Zendaya: Well, that’s too bad.

Fan: What exactly happened to make you such an asshole?

Zendaya: You’re joking, right?

Fan: No. Why are you acting like you own the entire universe?

Zendaya: Isn’t it obvious? I GOT TO BE IN LEMONADE.

LUPITA NYONG’O vs. CATE BLANCHETT

Lupita: So.

Cate: Hi, Lupita, how are you?

Lupita: “Cate,” is it?

Cate: Why are you using sarcastic quotation marks?

Lupita: You just don’t look like a Cate to me.

Cate: Well… I don’t really have a response to that.

Lupita: No, you seem more like you’d have a biblical name.

Cate: What?

Lupita: Mary, maybe?

Cate: No…

Lupita: Nah, you’re a little more of a Rachel.

Cate: Uh, I guess.

Lupita: No, I know. You’re a REBECCA.

Cate: Nuh uh!

Lupita: So you’re saying you prefer “Becky”?

Cate: *silence*

Lupita: So you admit it!

Cate: Fine. It’s true. I AM BECKY WITH THE GOOD HAIR.

—
© Democracy Diva, 2016.
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