Welcome to the VMAs! I might be too old to watch them, but no one’s ever too old to judge them. Also, I think it goes without saying that this post is mildly NSFW, because, you know, Miley.

MILEY CYRUS

This is Human Disco Ball Miley. She is by far the most normal, and the least nude, Miley you will see at this event. (Spoiler alert: You will see ELEVEN Mileys at this event. I apologize in advance. Consider yourself warned.)

TAYLOR SWIFT
top and pants by Ashish, shoes by Christian Louboutin

Wearing pajamas to the VMAs is by far the coolest thing Taylor Swift has ever done. At an awards show known for its scandalous nudity, what’s more shocking than super-fierce sweats? Plus, Taylor never had to hope that worry about whether her nipple was going to pop out of her suspenders, a problem which occupied Miley’s attention for the greater part of the evening.

HAILEE STEINFELD
jumpsuit by Stella McCartney

Photo: Larry Busacca/Getty

Good. I’m glad Hailee went the shockingly-not-nude route. She looks phenomenal – just weird and youthful enough to feel right for the VMAs, but mature enough to remind everyone that Hailee was nominated for an Oscar when she was fucking fourteen, and SO does not need to be here.

NICKI MINAJ
gown by Labourjoisie

It’s a dress that’s just been done too many times before – haven’t Nicki, J.Lo, Rihanna, Beyoncé worn some iteration of this to every awards show for the last two years? It’s executed brilliantly, and Nicki looks fucking killer, but I can’t work up too much excitement. For her, it’s pretty expected.

MILEY CYRUS
“jumpsuit” and boots by Versace

Speaking of expected, did anyone even blink an eye when S&H&M Miley hit the red carpet in nothing but bejeweled suspenders? Anyone? I thought not. Love the boots, though.

VANESSA HUDGENS
gown by Naeem Khan, purse by Edie Parker

Aw, she actually looks incredibly sweet. I may never understand what causes a person to want to wear a dozen bracelets and five necklaces, but her stupid faux hippie shit works very nicely here.

MILEY CYRUS

Aaahh! Real Monsters Miley.

KARLIE KLOSS
gown by Louis Vuitton, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti

Her headline should just read, “Karlie Kloss wears flats; gives no fucks.” I love it.

MILEY CYRUS

Middle-School Theater Director on LSD Belting The Entire Pippin Score Miley.

CIARA
dress by Alexandre Vauthier

I actually don’t hate this. I think the VMAs have desensitized me to complete wardrobe insanity.

MILEY CYRUS
bra and pants by Versace

These Pasties Will Haunt Your Dreams Miley.

RITA ORA
gown by Vera Wang, shoes by Stuart Weitzman

If she tried half as hard, she’d look twice as good.

FKA TWIGS
gown by Atelier Versace

C’mon, lady! You wore a dress with penises on it to the Met Gala! I expect something COMPLETELY out of the box for the goddamn VMAs. This is just vaguely witchy and kind of awkward.

DEMI LOVATO
dress by Nicolas Jebran

Would have been ranked way higher if she’d chosen a better shoe.

MILEY CYRUS
jumpsuit by The Blonds, shoes by Sophia Webster

A Koosh Ball Genocide Created My Jacket Miley.

CARA DELEVINGNE
dress by Saint Laurent, shoes by Stuart Weitzman

She and her eyebrows can do no wrong, as far as I’m concerned. Cara continues to be that effortless kind of cool that makes Miley’s shenanigans seem extremely childish and desperate by comparison.

MILEY CYRUS

Proving The Point I Just Made Miley.

REBEL WILSON
dress by Eloquii

The pink in the hair should either match the skirt exactly, or be an entirely different color. And I’m not really sure what’s happening here, shape-wise. But it could have been pretty damn great without the silver trim, which cheapens the look considerably.

MILEY CYRUS

90s Workout Video Miley.

BELLA THORNE
dress by Maria Lucia Hohan, shoes by Stuart Weitzman

Hollywood desperately needs a 12-step program to wean starlets off of cut-outs.

MILEY CYRUS
dress by Versace

Yet Again, Proving The Point I Just Made Miley.

EMILY RATAJKOWSKI
gown and boots by Altuzarra

Nope. Dress OR boots. Not both. Shame on you.

LILY ALDRIDGE
gown by Alexandre Vauthier

ENOUGH WITH THIS FUCKING DRESS. WE GET IT, MODELS. YOU UNIVERSALLY LOOK GOOD IN BLACK CUT-OUT GOWNS. NO SHIT. NOW WEAR SOMETHING INTERESTING ALREADY.

CHRISSY TEIGEN
gown by Marchesa

This woman can’t dress for shit. It’s actually kind of endearing. No one person should be get to be ridiculously beautiful AND married to John Legend AND actually know how to dress yourself. That would just be too much.

MILEY CYRUS

In The Postapocalyptic Future Brought On By Global Warming, We’ll All Wear Candy Miley.

GIGI HADID
dress by Emilia Wickstead, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti

I hate this so, so hard, you guys. Hair (dated; tacky), makeup (WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH YOUR BROWS, WOMAN), color (nope nope nope), silhouette (look, vagina curtains!) – it’s all wrong.

SELENA GOMEZ
gown by Calvin Klein

So drab and dull, it’s like she’s actively trying to not be famous anymore. You know, Selena, things like that are much more successful if you don’t, you know, ATTEND AWARDS SHOWS.

MILEY CYRUS
dress by House of Holland

Kermit Left Miss Piggy For MOI Miley.

KIM KARDASHIAN
Kim’s gown by Balmain

ARE THOSE CARGO POCKETS? SWEET BABY JESUS PLEASE TELL ME THOSE ARE NOT CARGO POCKETS.

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© Democracy Diva, 2015.
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