Welcome to the VMAs! I might be too old to watch them, but no one’s ever too old to judge them. Also, I think it goes without saying that this post is mildly NSFW, because, you know, Miley.
So little time, so many starlets to judge.
I now bring you this Diva’s personal red carpet predictions from New York Fashion Week, Fall 2011.
It’s kind of the past two weeks in fashion; forgive me, I’ve been busy.
Best of the Runway
Valentino’s fall 2010 collection was full of incredibly beautiful and unique looks. It concentrated a lot on that wavy design that this coat featured; the waves manifested themselves on different pieces of clothing and added evoked images of the ocean and maintained an architectural feel at the same time. Valentino wins even more of my love by making original, innovative pieces that are still not only wearable, but body-conscious and flattering.
Most Pathetic Degrassi Alum
You may not have heard of Shenae Grimes, who graduated from my #1 guilty pleasure show Degrassi to the recent remake of 90210. I often forget her name, as to me she will always be Darcy, the frighteningly skinny Christian girl who was one of the first of Degrassi‘s “Let’s finally cast students who look like models to keep up with the entire rest of the television world,” also known as the downfall of the show. Because you KNOW what kept Degrassi magical was that all those kids looked like they really could have gone to school with you, except they say “aboot.” Anyway, Shenae will always remind me of the virginal tease who took slutty pictures of herself, got date-raped, cut herself, and went to Africa, or something.
So, I guess she’s dressed perfectly for the role. Oh, I know how to make myself totally badass after I’ve been on the two lamest shows of the 21st century – I’ll wear black nail polish and black toe nail polish and a black leather jacket with gold studs to show how tough I am. And I’ll wear a vest with nothing under it, because I’m just crazy like that, and I feel every minute that my midriff is not exposed is a minute wasted. I’ll top it with awkward chunky jewelry, an ill-fitting belt, uncomfortably high-waisted skinny jeans, and a really awful dye job! Honey, of course creepy old men are going to stalk you on the internet if you go out dressed like that!
Best of a New Fashion Icon
Lea Michele and Zac Posen have a lot in common. “Zac” and “Michele” both seem as if they’re missing a letter. And they both make me very happy. Kudos to Michele for pulling off a nearly impossible to wear shade of pink – this shit is Pepto Bismol meets Barbie, and she’s killing it. She looks long, lean, leggy, and utterly divalicious.
Worst at Everything
Now, I hate Katy Perry on any given day. Her voice is terrible, she is nothing but shtick with no talent to back it up. She is awful-looking, awful-sounding, and generally bad for the universe.
And as if there weren’t enough reasons to hate her, she shows up at the Kids’ Choice Awards dressed like that. Let me reiterate: SHE WORE THIS TO A SHOW GEARED TOWARD CHILDREN. For God’s sake, woman, unless an emergency occurs in which you need to be the wet nurse for an infant on the red carpet, PUT THOSE THINGS AWAY. Also, if you have giant assymetrical titties, wear a bra. Just a suggestion.
Oh, and maybe wear pants around children. ‘Cause not everybody wants their kids staring at the crazy lady in the horrendous lipstick, bangs that were cut by a blind, angry child, who also happens to be dressed like the cheapest whore in Vegas.
Worst Infraction by a Nobody
Well, I must have it in for the 90210 cast, because apparently this woman is a colleague of Ms. Shenae Grimes. That’s right, this nobody actually has a career. Could have fooled me.
Actually, I shouldn’t say that. It must be really difficult to be a Playboy bunny and a Christmas ornament all at the same time. That’s definitely a career.
Three words, dear: FIRE. YOUR. GAYS.
Check back soon for more on theatre, fashion, and everything else a diva could want.