THE FINAL ROUND.
LUPITA NYONG’O vs. FAN BINGBING
Lupita: Well, well, well.
Fan: We meet at last.
Lupita: It’s been a long road, Fan.
Fan: And yet I always knew it would end like this.
Lupita: Honestly, I thought it’d be me and Janelle in the final round.
Fan: Well, fuck you too, Lupita.
Lupita: Oh, so it’s like that?
Fan: Yeah, that’s pretty much exactly what it’s like.
Lupita: Don’t play ugly, sweetheart. It clashes with your dress.
Fan: That was below the stylish copper belt.
Lupita: I see you still haven’t managed to rid yourself of those platforms.
Fan: I see you still think the architectural aesthetic works for you.
Lupita: Seriously, girl. You know other kinds of shoes exist, right?
Fan: You know it’s kind of gauche to match your dress to the purple carpet, right?
Lupita: Well, I can see we’re not going to get through this without resorting to insults.
Fan: Your pink lip gloss is ridiculous.
Lupita: Stop holding yourself like you’re afraid your tiny little bird bones will disintegrate.
Fan: Stop… wait, what?
Lupita: Seriously, woman. The platforms. Get professional help.
Fan: The platforms are fabulous, and so am I.