I’m not crying, YOU ARE.
Please, no loud noises or sudden movements. These stars have all suffered head injuries that caused them to believe they are attending the Oscars. They think they look amazing – and they would, on any other red carpet. But friends, the Met Gala is not the goddamn Oscars. (Though this year’s theme was a little more traditional-red-carpet friendly than previous years, I still can’t bring myself to put anyone in the Best Dressed post who didn’t really commit to the costume.)
Welcome back to Cannes!
We’ve finally made it! It took me two weeks (real life is hard, yo), but here we are: the end of your Met Gala fashion coverage.
8:00 – All my GLEE biddies being adorable in the first one minute of the show? YES!
8:02 – “BACK THAT MOTHER UP!” Betty White to Jon Hamm, living every woman’s dream.
8:03 – The singing has begun!!!!! We’re loving ALL OF THIS.
8:04 – Um, okay teen mom from Degrassi / biddie from Vampire Diaries. What are you doing in the all-star cast song?
8:05 – Tim Gunn has already made his epic cameo, Randy Jackson is playing bass, and JON HAMM IS DANCING.
8:06 – Mercedes rocked that last note! And that was the most incredible opening performance. What an unexpectedly wonderful group of people! Such a great idea.
8:07 – Emi: Jimmy Fallon looks a little inflated.
Matt: He probably had Chipotle two nights in a row.
8:08 – Amy Poehler is looking gorgeous, but you can see her nips through that dress a bit!
8:09 – We’re screaming over the clips of NPH, Jane Lynch’s amazing one-liners, and everything Cameron from Modern Family.
8:11: What a scene to end on, Emmys comedy clip! Awkward. But now Jon Hamm and Betty White are walking out to the theme from The Odd Couple, and everyone’s being sexual. And we’re loving it.
8:11: Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy: Chris Colfer, Jon Cryer, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Ty Burrell, Neil Patrick Harris, Eric Stonestreet. And the Emmy goes to… ERIC STONESTREET! (This Diva is now 0/1 for predictions, as she thought it’d go to NPH.
8:13: Jesse Tyler Ferguson is CRYING for Eric Stonestreet, and I am so emotional. Until Emi says, “Where’s Lily?” [Cam and Mitch’s Asian daughter on Modern Family.] But I teared up again when Stonestreet mentioned his father.
8:14: Room consensus: Amazing speech.
8:18: Aaaand, we’re back! Jon Hodgeman from The Daily Show is already making me giggle. Fun fact from Diva Headquarters: According to Justin, Jim Parsons is gay! And my lesbian side hopes co-presenter Sofia Vergara is gay too!
8:19: Writing for a Comedy Series: And the Emmy goes to… the writers for Modern Family! So deserved. Brilliant writing, and a particularly brilliant pilot. MF is now 2/2 for Emmys! Also, they showed Julie Bowen beaming during the writer’s speech, looking absolutely flawless and so happy for her team.
8:22: Stephen Colbert looks good! And Tom Hanks’ wife Rita looks unbelievably beautiful. Outstanding Performance by a Supporting Actress in a Comedy. The nominees: Julie Bowen, Jane Krakowski, Jane Lynch, someone I missed, and Sofia Vergara, and Kristen Wiig.
8:24: JANE LYNCH, OF COURSE! I’m now 1/3 for predictions. And Jane Lynch deserves this beyond belief. Her speech is heartfelt and beautiful and funny, and she’s so incredibly likable. “I’d like to thank my Lord and Creator, Ryan Murphy.” Another perfect speech.
8:30: Lauren Graham and Matthew Perry. He looks slightly busted and her dress is fug. And could their back-and-forth be more awkward? Anyway, they’re talking about who won Guest in a Comedy awards last week. Obviously Betty White won for SNL and NPH won for Glee. Both deserved.
8:34: Ryan Murphy wins Best Directing for GLEE! His blue jacket is super-cute, even if his bow tie is too big. Plus, I also love fingerpainting.
8:35: The Family Guy/Modern Family skit is pretty hilarious. And Clooney in bed with Stonestreet and Ferguson at the end was just priceless.
8:37: Lead Actor in a Comedy. The Emmy goes to… Jim Parsons for The Big Bang Theory! Well, that was a disappointment. 1/4.
8:44: NEIL. PATRICK. HARRIS. Just called Jimmy Fallon gay, which was pretty epic. Lead Actress in a Comedy. And the winner is… EDIE FALCO! No surprise there, even if she wasn’t my pick. But she gets applause from me for giving a shout-out to her 94-year-old grandma.
8:47: Kim Kardashian sang. Let’s watch the Reality clip show. Epic because of Snooki’s “McCain would never put a tax on tanning” line.
8:49: Keri Russell and Jewel are in the house? What year is it? Will Arnett could make a statue giggle. Best Reality Show: Top Chef! Congrats, Collichio and Co.
8:50: This room is convinced that Padma is high as a kite. I can’t quite disagree.
8:56: Um, okay Ernst & Young accountants.
8:57: Drama clip reel. The clip from True Blood makes it seem like the stupidest fucking show on television.
9:00: Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series. King and King for The Good Wife, Levy and Weiner for Mad Men, Jones for Friday Night Lights, Veith and Weiner for Mad Men… I got distracted. But Weiner won for Mad Men.
9:04: Best Supporting Actor in a Drama, and the Emmy goes to Aaron Paul for Breaking Bad. I liked him on Big Love (thank you Nate for reminding me why I recognized him).
9:09: Emily Deschanel’s dress is a whole lot of look. Not sure I can handle that many eggplant doilies.
9:10: Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama. And the Emmy goes to… Archie Panjabi! I don’t know who you are, but you’re beautiful and so is your accent.
9:12: Edie Falco looks pretty fabulous. A little thin, no? Lead Actor in a Drama. Ryan Cranston from Breaking Bad! I wikipedia-ed him to figure out why I know him – he was Ted Mosby’s douchey boss on How I Met Your Mother!
9:17: Fun fact, this is what Christina Hendricks is wearing tonight:
I’m actually loving this. Zac Posen usually only works on itsy-bitsy girls like Rachel Bilson, so it’s nice to see a woman with serious curves rocking this gown. Her hair versus the mauve color of the dress is fabulous, no? And it’s dramatic, but only as dramatic as a woman nominated for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama should be.
9:20: Announcing last week’s Guest Actress and Guest Actor in a Drama awards. John Lithgow and Ann Margaret – congrats! Don’t care.
9:21: Best Directing for a Drama. The Emmy goes to… Steve Schill of Dexter.
9:23: “Jimmy Fallon is inflated, so he looks like Elton John!” – Emi
9:24: Love me some quick change! Now it’s time for Jimmy to dress like a… a… oh, honeys, even I don’t think I have words for this.
9:25: But his Billy Joe Armstrong is pretty great, and the Lost song was damn funny.
9:31: Un-funny Mr. Schue hair jokes. But Matt Morrison and Tina Fey? Two of my favs. Lead Actress in a Drama: Connie Britton, Glenn Close, Mariska Harigtay, January Jones, Julianna Marguiles, and Kyra Sedgwick. And the Emmy goes to… Kyra Sedgwick!
9:33: Barely audible, Tina Fey says “At least I’ll hold one tonight!” when Kyra passes Tina her Emmy. Kyra’s speech is obnoxious and self-serving. But her dress is nice.
9:35: The variety clip reel! Ending with gorgeous shots of DC. We live here.
9:38: Jeff Probst looks like the Mayor of Munchkin land next to Joel McHale.
9:39: The TONY awards won Best Writing for a Variety Show! I hope the Backstage Barbie is kvelling right now.
9:43: Are these commercials a joke? We’ve seen a miniature pet giraffe, the ghost of Billy Mays, an ungodly amount of advertising for AVON, and more weirdness.
9:45: Ricky Gervais! One of the funniest men on earth. Hope he’s got something good. He is dressed FAR too casually.
10:07: Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie: Julia Ormand for Temple Grandin.
9:47: Perfect Mel Gibson joke: “He’s been through a lot…. Not as much as the Jews.” – Ricky Gervais. Followed by beer for the front rows.
9:48: Directing for a Variety Show. BUCKY GUNTZ for the win! Hilarious not only because of Gervais’s comments, but awesome because he’s Nate’s friend’s dad!
9:51: Outstanding Variety Show. Nominees: The Colbert Report, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Real Time with Bill Maher, Saturday Night Live, and CONAN. But the Emmy goes to The Daily Show!
9:59: John Schaffman is one queer bird.
10:00: I’m not crazy about Juliana Marguiles’s dress. It’s a little meh. And she looks like she goes to the same plastic surgeon as Madonna. But George Clooney is honored with the Bob Hope Humanitarian Award. And he’s getting a standing ovation. Even Betty White stood, slow as the old bitch is.
10:06: January Jones and John Krasinski? Delicious. But why is she wearing a dress made of melted solo cups?
10:14: Claire Danes looks beautiful. Supporting Actor for a Miniseries or Movie. And the Emmy goes to… David Strathairn for Temple Grandin! “In many ways, we are teachers…” Oh, honey, get off your high horse.
10:17: Jewel’s performance is TERRIBLE. The baby voice is so unnecessary. You’re a grown woman.
10:19: I completely forgot that Corey Haim passed away. And I can’t believe how sad I am about the voice of Charlie from Charlie’s Angels passing away. Sad all over again about Rue and Brittany.
10:20: I’m sorry, but can someone remind me how they landed on JEWEL for this performance?
10:25: Writing for a Movie/Miniseries winner: Adam Maizer for You Don’t Know Jack.
10:27: Lead Actress in a Movie/Miniseries. CLAIRE DANES IS THE WINNER! She looks fucking INCREDIBLE and she is my BIGGEST LESBIAN CRUSH and her dress and hair are PERFECT. I am Angela Chase.
10:32: I like this commercial with everyone putting their arms up. I have pictures of me doing that on a mountain in Israel and a moor in England.
10:34: Here’s team True Blood. They’re boring and none of them are good looking. I’m not into vampires. Vampires are just the poor man’s wizards.
10:35: Directing for a Movie/Miniseries. The winner… Mick Jackson for Temple Gradin! A beautiful speech for what seems like an amazing show about an incredible person. I’d really like to watch that.
10:38: Lead Actor in a Movie/Miniseries. The Emmy goes to… Al Pacino for You Don’t Know Jack. And did y’all hear that Angels in America shoutout? My favorite.
10:40: Is Al Pacino really still talking? JACK IS REALLY IN THE HOUSE! Whoa.
10:45: Oh hi Laurence Fishburn. Outstanding Miniseries… Pacific wins! And Tom Hanks is accepting the award. I just love the sound of his voice.
10:47: Outstanding Movie… Temple Grandin wins it again! They sure have swept. I plan on seeing that and You Don’t Know Jack as soon as possible. I’m almost crying at this incredibly emotional and beautiful speech.
10:50: Tom Selleck in the house. “Best Moustache in the Business,” according to Nate. Outstanding Drama Series nominees: Breaking Bad, Dexter, The Good Wife, Lost, Mad Men, and True Blood. And the Emmy goes to… Mad Men for the third consecutive year! 17 nominations this year – unbelievable.
10:51: Elisabeth Moss’s left shoulder looks amazing during this speech. And little Draper daughter looks SO ADORABLE! Basically, everyone but January. Sigh.
10:56: Cheers guy announcing Outstanding Comedy Series? Okay. And the award goes to… MODERN FAMILY! Definitely deserving. And Manny looks beyond adorable. Actually, the entire cast and crew looks pretty perfect.
10:59: Thank you and goodnight! Don’t forget to check back later this week for the Emmys red carpet recap!