Welcome, dear readers, to the third and final portion of the fabulous Golden Globes red carpet. 

Best Dressed: AMY POEHLER
tuxedo by Stella McCartney, purse by Judith Leiber, shoes by Charlotte Olympia

AMY. FUCKING. POEHLER. I honestly did not think I could love her more. Because I love her a lot. Like, WEIRD, a lot. Like, I want there to be a nude centaur painting of me like there is of Leslie Knope so I can yell “I AM DIAPHENA!,” a lot. And THEN she pulls out this beyond sexy lady-tux, with her stunning diamonds and those PHENOMENAL shoes (and Amy does not usually excel in the shoe department). But everything from the plunging neckline to the shit-eating grin said, “Gentlemen, please! One at a time! Excuse me while I nuzzle with George Clooney!”

Runner-Up: TAYLOR SWIFT
gown by Donna Karan

TAYLOR’S WEARING A COLOR! AND IT’S NOT RED! It took me a minute to recognize her in this eggplant color, to be honest. But I loved the neckline and the double-straps, and even the mermaid shape didn’t bother me too much, since I can only expect so many fashion miracles from T.Swift in a single evening. Oh, and the old Hollywood hair? DELICIOUS, and not just because my head would explode if I had to see her Disney princess curls styled exactly the same way at yet another red carpet event.

Honorable Mention: NICOLE KIDMAN
gown by Alexander McQueen, jewelry by Fred Leighton

Talk about statuesque – Nicole looks about eleven feet tall in this stunning McQueen gown. I thought I’d gotten tired of black and gold McQueen gowns, but this one is so unique and interesting. And the soft hair and makeup made Ms. Kidman look so much less severe than she has in recent years.

NAOMI WATTS
gown by Zac Posen, purse by Salvatore Ferragamo, shoes by Casadei

Stunning color, and I don’t even hate the train. It’s a fantastic silhouette on her, showing just that sliver of skin so she doesn’t look too covered up, what with the long sleeves. And the earrings are just delicious.

JODIE FOSTER
gown by Giorgio Armani

Simple silhouette, stunning results. Perfect hair, makeup, jewelry, and fit – this is what you wear when the Hollywood Foreign Press Association loves you enough to let you give an awesomely long, drunk, rambling speech about privacy and Honey Boo Boo Child.

ROSARIO DAWSON
gown by Antonio Berardi, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz

I’m over peplums on the red carpet, and I think the shoulders are a little stupid, but man, what a color. Absolutely heavenly, particularly on Rosario.

EMILY BLUNT and JOHN KRASINSKI
gown by Michael Kors; tuxedo by Prada

I would say they’re too perfectly beautiful to be real, but the gold-on-gold purse was a bad idea, so I guess they’re human after all. Or at least, Emily is. Jury’s still out on whether John Krasinski is actually an alien sent to make us all fall in love with paper salesmen.

JESSICA ALBA
gown by Oscar de la Renta, jewelry by Harry Winston, purse by Roger Vivier

I think this color is beyond fantastic, the bodice is gorgeous, the fit is amazing, and even though that giant asymmetrical train isn’t quite my style, it’s expertly done and damn gorgeous. The necklace was a stroke of genius, and the hair and makeup have a vintage-glam vibe that I’m digging. But what the fuck is going on with that clutch? Did she skin a Muppet to make that purse?

KRISTEN WIIG
gown by Michael Kors, purse by Roger Vivier, shoes by Christian Louboutin

That weird triangle looked better on television – I think it’s kind of awkward and odd in retrospect, though. Still, it was a damn sexy night for the SNL alum. And the gold bracelet and clutch look lovely.

OLIVIA MUNN
gown, purse, and shoes by Giorgio Armani

That purse is COMICALLY large, and her hair and makeup are really not formal enough for the event. Quite a shame, because the dress is beautiful and interesting, but aside from the necklace, this was some weak-ass styling.

GEORGE CLOONEY and STACY KEIBLER
gown by Armani Privé

George, tell your lady that center-parted, stick-straight locks haven’t been cool on the red carpet since approximately 2001. And her simple-to-the-point-of-boring dress could really have used some more bling, particularly a necklace.

ISLA FISHER
gown by Reem Acra

Thanks for showing us something we’ve seen on every red carpet for the last fifteen years, Isla.

AMANDA SEYFRIED
gown by Givenchy

Too bridal, yet also too naked – this didn’t support her ample breasts nearly enough, which made the fit and proportions of the gown look a little off. Mostly, though, it was too on-the-nose for Cosette, don’t you think?

ZOSIA MAMET
gown by Tony Ward

Yes, Zosia, you’re a fascinatingly interesting hipster. Now will you put some goddamn lipstick on like you’re actually at the fucking Golden Globes?

MEGAN HILTY
gown by Novis

Very expected, in color, silhouette, and styling. There was a lot of red on this red carpet, but this was by far the most forgettable of all the crimson looks.

KRISTEN BELL
gown by Jenny Packham

This dress totally overwhelmes her tiny frame (I mean, even pregnant, she’s still impossibly small). The neckline is, pardon my Yiddish, ungapatchket, and the little gap of space across her bust looks accidentally, like they ran out of frippery to cover the bodice in halfway through making it and just gave up. Love the purse, though!

SARAH HYLAND
gown by Max Azria Atelier

Sarah, you’re young and beautiful and you could be wearing tons of fabulous, fashion-forward shit. Please don’t look to Sofia Vergara for your fashion cues, or you’ll be stuck in mermaid gowns forever.

JULIANNE HOUGH
gown by Monique Lhuillier, purse by Salvatore Ferragamo

You look like a cupcake. It’s ridiculous.

DEBRA MESSING
gown by Donna Karan, earrings by Samira 13, bracelets by Amrapali

The gown is depressing and sloppy, the shoes look terrifying, and the number of bracelets she’s wearing is absolutely insane.

KELLY OSBOURNE
gown by Zac Posen

Is she wearing it inside-out? What other explanation could there be for how terrible this looks?

Worst Dressed: HALLE BERRY
gown by Atelier Versace

This reeks of desperation so badly, I’m actually uncomfortable. Will someone just give her whatever role or award she’s looking for so she can stop dressing like this, for God’s sake? I don’t think I can take much more of this.

Still craving more fabness? Don’t miss Part 1 and Part 2 of the Golden Globes red carpet!

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© Democracy Diva, 2013.
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