Welcome to the mother-fucking Golden Globes, dear readers.

Best Dressed: LUCY LIU
gown by Carolina Herrera, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz

All hail Lucy Liu and her stunning sky blue-and-floral strapless wonder by Carolina Herrera. The fit is absolutely impeccable, making her waist look impossibly tiny, and the pockets are to die for. I didn’t love the braid, but I’ll forgive it in the spirit of daring to wear something interesting and fresh to the Golden Globes. Also, what black magic is she doing to reverse the aging process entirely? This woman looks better and better every day.

Runner-Up: ANNE HATHAWAY
top, skirt, and earrings by Chanel

This gown looked incredible on television – you could see the amazing texture of the fabric, which made Anne seem to be floating down the red carpet in a sea of pearls. Hair, makeup, and jewelry were predictably perfect – she looked too damn good for any of us to believe she was actually surprised when she won the Globe.

Honorable Mention: JULIANNE MOORE
gown by Tom Ford, earrings by Bulgari

Julianne Moore looks amazing when she gives us a classic look with an edgy twist, and this black-and-white Tom Ford is just perfection on her. She styled it beautifully with slicked-back hair and those incredible Bulgari earrings, and the purse and bracelets were fun without pulling focus.

EDDIE REDMAYNE

A delicious man in velvet tuxedo jacket and shoes so shiny you could apply your makeup in their reflection? What more could a girl want?!

KATHARINE MCPHEE
gown by Theyskens’ Theory, purse by Oroton

Wow. Ms. McPhee doesn’t usually nail it on the red carpet, but she was not fucking around at the Golden Globes. The plunging neckline looked absolutely spectacular on her, and the belted waistline helped keep the dress in place and slim her waist even more. The fabric of the gown had a really luxurious texture, and I loved the chainlink bracelet and the boxy clutch.

JENNIFER GARNER
gown by Vivienne Westwood, earrings by David Webb

Probably the best Jennifer Garner has looked in a decade. Last night was a fantastic night for the Garner-Affleck clan, and Jennifer dressed the part of the trophy wife fabulously. (Admit it, it was kind of endearing and adorable when she thanked George fucking Clooney because Ben forgot about him in his first speech.) Anyway, red was everywhere on the red carpet (because originality is a sin in Hollywood), but no one wore the color better than Jennifer Garner. And the earrings? Perfection.

JULIANNA MARGULIES
gown by Emilio Pucci, jewelry by Fred Leighton, shoes by Roger Vivier

The severe hair and makeup are a bit much, as was her truly ginormous ponytail that isn’t pictured, but Julianna simply glowed in this stunning midnight blue-and-black dream of a gown.

SALLY FIELD
gown by Alberta Ferretti

Sally Field’s tits: still awesome at age sixty-six. The delicate diamond necklace she’s wearing is absolutely breathtaking, and the navy blue color is terrific on her.

SIENNA MILLER
top and skirt by Erdem, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti

I swear, this looked a lot better on television – it looks kind of cheap and cheesy in this picture, though. Her hair and makeup were underwhelming, but I loved the surprising Erdem two-piece gown she chose. It might have looked more event-appropriate with more elegant, formal styling.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL
dress by Oscar de la Renta, necklace by Kwiat

Zooey gets a thousand points just for not wearing black, but who wants to bet she’s got black stockings and pumps under that gown? She’s lovely in red, but it was a pretty safe dress with very simple styling. Pretty, but nothing to get worked up over.

JESSICA CHASTAIN
gown by Calvin Klein, jewelry by Harry Winston, shoes by Brian Atwood

This icy seafoam color looked so incredible when Jessica first hit the red carpet that I thought she’d nailed my best dressed spot, no problem. Then I discovered that this gown is suffering from advanced Droopy Boob Syndrome. It’s a heartbreaking condition, of course – particularly tragic when it afflicts an award winner. Don’t get me wrong, I still wept during her speech, but a woman so beautiful, with such perfect hair when it’s not center-parted and combed back, dripping in diamonds and a color she looks heavenly in – she deserves a dress that supports her and her staunchly non-droopy breasts as much as the Hollywood Foreign Press Association does!

ADELE
gown by Burberry, jewelry by Cartier

Adele continues to be flawless, adding a Golden Globe to her nine Grammys and refusing to tell us the name of her baby because NORMALCY PLEASE. She looked amazing as usual, but this is pretty much her default, go-town gown for every awards show, and I refuse to believe there aren’t more interesting looks for such a fabulous woman.

HAYDEN PANETTIERE
gown by Roberto Cavalli

Nix the terrible Barbie clutch, and this is actually the best Hayden has ever looked, even if she is wearing a feathered mermaid train. The bodice of the gown is really lovely, even if this blush color is a little boring. But the purse has got to go and the makeup is a little too everyday for the event.

MORENA BACCARIN
gown by Valentino

This dress had a few too many design elements going on, but if you had nixed the fabric change at the bottom and nixed the train and whatever the hell else that piece of fabric floating behind her is, I think this would have been heart-stoppingly gorgeous. That hair does nothing for her, though.

NICOLE RICHIE
gown by Naeem Khan, shoes by Brian Atwood

As you know, I like to support the starlets who wear unusual prints and colors to major red carpet events, because so many red gowns and black gowns and nude/blush mermaid gowns makes the Democracy Diva a dull blogger.But I think this print looks like it belongs on a shower curtain, not a gown, and the matching blue eyeshadow is making me twitch. And don’t fucking get me started on that hairy purse.

SOFIA VERGARA

Well, at least it’s not a mermaid gown, but seriously, Sofia, tone down the Charo act and wear something new for a change.

KERRY WASHINGTON
gown by Miu Miu, watch by Movado, purse and shoes by Prada

Such a disappointment coming from Kerry Washington, who I think is one of the best-dressed women in Hollywood. She’s had an amazing run on the Django Unchained press tour (though I’m prioritizing the Golden Globes over my weekly fashion recaps, so I haven’t blogged about those looks yet – they’re coming!). So the painfully, aggressively boring purse and shoes would be bad enough, but a sheer dress over a mini-dress? That’s got to be an all-time, top five Democracy Diva pet peeve.

MEGAN FOX
gown by Dolce & Gabbana, earrings by Lorraine Schwartz

I swear, this woman could not be more boring if she tried.

RACHEL WEISZ
dress by Louis Vuitton, bracelet by Bulgari, purse and shoes by Jimmy Choo

Well, if I thought sheer dresses over mini-dresses were bad, my head might be fucking EXPLODING right now over the reverse effect. Seriously, Rachel, you are a Jewish goddess dating JAMES BOND. YOU ARE A HERO TO ME. What made you choose this ridiculous-looking concoction?

Worst Dressed: EVA LONGORIA
gown by Emilio Pucci, jewelry by Martin Katz

Dear Eva: Lea Michele’s wardrobe is bad enough on Lea Michele, and she’s only been on the red carpet for a couple of years. On you, at this point, it’s downright comical that you haven’t come up with a look more interesting than this one, which you’ve been repeating ad nauseum since FOREVER. XOXO, Democracy Diva.

Need more bitchery? Stay tuned for Part 2!

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© Democracy Diva, 2013.
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