#10: The Confused Burlesque Dancer/Office Worker
I’m going to pull a Nina Garcia and ask, “Where is this woman going?” Because to me, she’s spent a long day at the office and was late for her moonlighting job as a burlesque performer, and hastily applied enough eyeliner to appease Taylor Momsen for the next ten years, and threw on the first piece of lingerie she could find over her work clothes. Now that’s a day-to-evening look.
#9: If George Jetson and Fred Flintstone had a lovechild…
And that lovechild was an anorexic wannabe rebellious teen with a permanent bad hair day, she’d look something like this:
I know the bar is set low for the Project Runway Fashion Week collections, since they let practically everyone and their mother show a collection to amp up the suspense of who’s actually in the top three, but this is just tacky. And it wasn’t even the worst look of the Project Runway family – but we’ll get to that later.
#8: Christina Aguilera’s Farewell Tour Gown
There is something so sad about this dress. It just screams desperation. You don’t need a slit up to the bikini line, cutouts at the armpits and both sides of the body, a leopard print choker-collar, AND a blood red color. Something tells me it has a low back too, though I have no proof of that. Not to mention it’s poorly fitted (or poorly draped, or both) around the top, and even the model looks as if she knows this is her last shot at stardom. If this isn’t what Christina Aguilera wears when she’s 60 on her farewell tour, then it’s what Blake Lively will wear to the Emmys.
#7: A Reject from the Cast of Rent
Sometimes I truly wish I could be in on the meetings where these concepts are created. I just want to hear William Rast say to his team, “I know. She’ll be in baggy, unflattering cargo pants, tucked into ugly boots. And she’ll wear a grey T-shirt – but it’ll have those little shiny rhinestones that you can buy for $1 for a pack of 500! But wait, wait, she’ll also have a dead possum wrapped around one hip, and on the other side, she’ll carry a big black blanket!” And when they stare at him in silence, he’ll add, “And her beautiful strawberry blonde hair will be so overprocessed that even Britney Spears wouldn’t wear it as a wig.” [Edit: William Rast is not actually a person, it’s just the name of the brand, but I was lazy and decided to just personify him instead of going into the whole Justin Timberlake/whomever else runs that line explanation. Thanks to Amy for pointing out my confusing remarks. If it helps you to imagine JTimber saying those things to his design team, feel free.]
#6: I’m Underwhelmed
Michael, Michael, Michael.
How can I believe in any of your bitchy opinions on Project Runway again, when you send a girl in a a ribbed tank, Old Navy sweatpants, possibly legwarmers, and two belts down the runway? I may never trust again.
#5: There Simply Aren’t Words
It’s a fanny pack. SHE’S WEARING A FANNY PACK. I’m going to have an aneurysm.
#4: Fix Yourself, Girl – You’ve Got a Cameltoe
I’m not sure if it’s awkward placement of strings, bad draping, or just a vagina that starts at her neck that creates such an unflattering image, but there is some serious weirdness happening in this woman’s nether regions. Factor in her $5 hair extensions and the fact that she is wearing a full-length satin jumpsuit, and I just want to weep for this poor girl who will have to take off all her clothes to pee, and whose extra-long vagina will haunt my nightmares forever.
#3: Best Actress Award
This woman should be the highest-paid model of all time. I can’t believe she can walk down the runway with such a serious face when she’s wearing Clifford the Big Red Dog’s cousin’s skin / the Drag Queen Smurf’s pajamas / what Blue from Blues Clues sees in the mirror when he’s tripping on LSD. Kudos to her.
#2: The Future of Booby Tassels
I think she’ll be the star of the sequel to The Hangover, when one of the bros wakes up next to this exotic dancer whose pants look her at least thirty pounds heavier than she actually is, and who felt the need to shield her breasts from his withering stare with cocktail napkins. Jonathan, you’re the one I actually like on the show. You look kinda like Brad from The Rachel Zoe Project, and you usually make stylish things, and you’re just a little bitchy, but in the good way. I can’t believe you’ve disappointed me so much that I genuinely hope you get kicked off the show before the finale, so that I don’t have to relive my nausea over this ensemble in a few months.
#1: Madonna meets Gothic Firefighter
Dearest readers: Next time I decide that my definition of fashion includes the world’s most cheaply made pair of vagina-high boots, Steve Urkel’s shorts, and suspenders with black cones in lieu of a shirt, please put me out of my misery.
Honorable Mention: Kim Kardashian, Fashion Designer
There was no one particular look in the Bebe/Kardashian collection that disturbed me enough to be in the top ten, but the overall collection is just one cheap, under-designed, trend-pimping, tacky piece of crap after another. I’m not sure why you wouldn’t believe that something like that could come from Kim Kardashian’s brilliant influence, but if you don’t, see for yourself.