Fashion Week: The Ten Worst Looks

#10: The Confused Burlesque Dancer/Office Worker

L.A.M.B. Fall 2010

I’m going to pull a Nina Garcia and ask, “Where is this woman going?” Because to me, she’s spent a long day at the office and was late for her moonlighting job as a burlesque performer, and hastily applied enough eyeliner to appease Taylor Momsen for the next ten years, and threw on the first piece of lingerie she could find over her work clothes. Now that’s a day-to-evening look.

#9: If George Jetson and Fred Flintstone had a lovechild…

And that lovechild was an anorexic wannabe rebellious teen with a permanent bad hair day, she’d look something like this:

Project Runway: Mila Fall 2010

I know the bar is set low for the Project Runway Fashion Week collections, since they let practically everyone and their mother show a collection to amp up the suspense of who’s actually in the top three, but this is just tacky. And it wasn’t even the worst look of the Project Runway family – but we’ll get to that later.

#8: Christina Aguilera’s Farewell Tour Gown

Altuzarra Fall 2010

There is something so sad about this dress. It just screams desperation. You don’t need a slit up to the bikini line, cutouts at the armpits and both sides of the body, a leopard print choker-collar, AND a blood red color. Something tells me it has a low back too, though I have no proof of that. Not to mention it’s poorly fitted (or poorly draped, or both) around the top, and even the model looks as if she knows this is her last shot at stardom. If this isn’t what Christina Aguilera wears when she’s 60 on her farewell tour, then it’s what Blake Lively will wear to the Emmys.

#7: A Reject from the Cast of Rent

William Rast Fall 2010

Sometimes I truly wish I could be in on the meetings where these concepts are created. I just want to hear William Rast say to his team, “I know. She’ll be in baggy, unflattering cargo pants, tucked into ugly boots. And she’ll wear a grey T-shirt – but it’ll have those little shiny rhinestones that you can buy for $1 for a pack of 500! But wait, wait, she’ll also have a dead possum wrapped around one hip, and on the other side, she’ll carry a big black blanket!” And when they stare at him in silence, he’ll add, “And her beautiful strawberry blonde hair will be so overprocessed that even Britney Spears wouldn’t wear it as a wig.” [Edit: William Rast is not actually a person, it’s just the name of the brand, but I was lazy and decided to just personify him instead of going into the whole Justin Timberlake/whomever else runs that line explanation. Thanks to Amy for pointing out my confusing remarks. If it helps you to imagine JTimber saying those things to his design team, feel free.]

#6: I’m Underwhelmed

Michael, Michael, Michael.

Michael Kors Fall 2010

How can I believe in any of your bitchy opinions on Project Runway again, when you send a girl in a a ribbed tank, Old Navy sweatpants, possibly legwarmers, and two belts down the runway? I may never trust again.

#5: There Simply Aren’t Words

Wayne Fall 2010

It’s a fanny pack. SHE’S WEARING A FANNY PACK. I’m going to have an aneurysm.

#4: Fix Yourself, Girl – You’ve Got a Cameltoe

Erin Wasson x RVCA Fall 2010

I’m not sure if it’s awkward placement of strings, bad draping, or just a vagina that starts at her neck that creates such an unflattering image, but there is some serious weirdness happening in this woman’s nether regions. Factor in her $5 hair extensions and the fact that she is wearing a full-length satin jumpsuit, and I just want to weep for this poor girl who will have to take off all her clothes to pee, and whose extra-long vagina will haunt my nightmares forever.

#3: Best Actress Award

Edition by Georges Chakra Fall 2010

This woman should be the highest-paid model of all time. I can’t believe she can walk down the runway with such a serious face when she’s wearing Clifford the Big Red Dog’s cousin’s skin / the Drag Queen Smurf’s pajamas / what Blue from Blues Clues sees in the mirror when he’s tripping on LSD. Kudos to her.

#2: The Future of Booby Tassels

Project Runway: Jonathan Fall 2010

I think she’ll be the star of the sequel to The Hangover, when one of the bros wakes up next to this exotic dancer whose pants look her at least thirty pounds heavier than she actually is, and who felt the need to shield her breasts from his withering stare with cocktail napkins. Jonathan, you’re the one I actually like on the show. You look kinda like Brad from The Rachel Zoe Project, and you usually make stylish things, and you’re just a little bitchy, but in the good way. I can’t believe you’ve disappointed me so much that I genuinely hope you get kicked off the show before the finale, so that I don’t have to relive my nausea over this ensemble in a few months.

#1: Madonna meets Gothic Firefighter

Jeremy Scott Fall 2010

Dearest readers: Next time I decide that my definition of fashion includes the world’s most cheaply made pair of vagina-high boots, Steve Urkel’s shorts, and suspenders with black cones in lieu of a shirt, please put me out of my misery.

Honorable Mention: Kim Kardashian, Fashion Designer

There was no one particular look in the Bebe/Kardashian collection that disturbed me enough to be in the top ten, but the overall collection is just one cheap, under-designed, trend-pimping, tacky piece of crap after another. I’m not sure why you wouldn’t believe that something like that could come from Kim Kardashian’s brilliant influence, but if you don’t, see for yourself.

New York Fashion Week’s Best Trend: The West

Welcome to the wild, wild west.

Farmers, cowboys, and Native Americans were the inspiration for many fabulous ensembles and even entire collections this season. Dozens of designers took the themes of the west to the runway this week, so I’d like to take a look at their different interpretations of the west.

The Cowboys
Some designers emphasized cowboy-style shirts, buttoned up to the neck, as an homage to the west.

Zac Posen Fall 2010

Posen went simple, elegant, and trendy with his satin urban cowgirl (and her particularly adorable shoes).

Alexandre Herchcovitch Fall 2010

Herchcovitch went more exaggerated and less wearable than Posen, but did a nice contrast of the hard studs with that beautiful purple print to nail the gritty-meets-pretty, cowgirl style.

The Period Pieces
Other designers weren’t afraid to go costumey, and dressed their models in full-on prairie girl and Native American garments.

Sophie Theallet Fall 2010

Theallet’s model is straight off of the Oregon Trail, just with more cleavage and less petticoats. Well done.

William Rast Fall 2010

I could do without the colored strings tied around her waist, but I love Rast’s indigenous feel, the beaded accessories, and their contrast to the combat-meets-couture boots.

Native Meets Modern

A few designers threw in just a little element of Native American style into an otherwise modern look.

Nanette Lepore Fall 2010

I doubt this lady had a curling iron and slim-fitting corduroys on the reservation in the 19th century, but the beaded top is simply beautiful.

Rodarte Fall 2010

This was certainly the most surprising and innovative use of the west; Rodarte went daring with a bright, traditionally western print in an otherwise soft and modern outfit.

A Class of Her Own

But nobody, and I mean nobody, did the west the way my girl Betsey did.

Betsey Johnson Fall 2010

She’s got Betsey’s interpretation of a cowboy hat, a gangster’s mask, a sherrif’s badge, and a toy gun. Leave it to Betsey to throw all those contradictions together and call it an outfit.

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