Here it is, kids. Your March Fabness 2011 finalists, fighting to the death for the championship title.

EMMA WATSON vs. MILA KUNIS

Emma: Hello, Mila darling. I’d like to take this opportunity to introduce myself, Emma Watson, better known as Hermione Granger.

Mila: Wassup, slut? I’m Mila Kunis, better known as the voice of Meg Griffin on Family Guy, and even better known as Natalie Portman’s drugged-out sex fiend co-ballerina.

Emma: So you play a cartoon? Charming. But I guess we ALL can’t be 2009’s highest paid female actor in Hollywood, like I was at – at only 18 years old, I might add.

Mila: Um, I don’t just play a cartoon, bitch. I’m an ARTIST. Just because I don’t make two million dollars per film and I’m not some British child prodigy doesn’t mean I’m just a fucking cartoon.

Emma: Pardon me, but that’s two million POUNDS. Which is over three million dollars, in case your uneducated American brain couldn’t figure that out.

Mila: I’m not American. I was actually born and raised in the Ukraine. But nice try, Miss Priss.

Emma: Were you really? I always assumed you were Greek.

Mila: Nope. Ukraine-born Jew. (Shocking, I know. I totally give off the shiksa goddess vibe.)

Emma: Are you trying to tell me that Forgetting Sarah Marshall is a film about a Jewish guy who not only chased a Jewish girl, but chooses her over a blonde WASP? I though Woody Allen made it a law that in all American pop culture, Jewish men are required to lust after non-Jewish women.

Mila: Well, that’s true, but I still have this cute little button nose, and everyone assumes I’m a shiksa, so I guess Jewish men are still allowed to be attracted to me.

Emma: Fair point. Even I’d date you, based solely on that photo of your tits in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Mila: Actually, those weren’t really my tits. I had a booby double. And thanks for the vote of confidence, but I get all the lovin’ I need from Macaulay.

Emma: Excuse me? MACAULAY? Like, Macalay CULKIN? Also known as one of the only child stars more famous than me? Are you seriously dating the kid from Home Alone???

Mila: I mean, he’s not seven years old anymore. We’ve actually been together for almost ten years. To put it in perspective, you were a little British twit of a mere twelve years old when I started dating him.

Emma: Pardon me, bitch? I was a little British twit of a mere twelve years old who had already starred in two films that grossed almost two BILLION dollars worldwide. So you were dating some creepy child star? Big effing deal.

Mila: Macaulay is not creepy! He was just FRIENDS with Michael Jackson! I swear! I mean, what’s creepier – him sleeping in a bed with Michael Jackson, or Harry Potter having an old gay wizard taking a “special interest” in him?

Emma: DO NOT INSULT ALBUS DUMBLEDORE IN FRONT OF ME.

Mila: Whoa. Chillax, girl. Let’s agree to disagree on the topic of men we love and the older men who love them.

Emma: Fine. Can we instead talk about ballerinas with a penchant for rolling on ecstasy and generally being a big old slut?

Mila: Watch it, girl. I was nominated for a Golden Globe for that role. How many Golden Globe noms has Hermione gotten you? Oh, right. NONE.

Emma: Oh, please. Like you were EVER going to win that award? You weren’t even acting. Mila Kunis being slutty and doing drugs and smoking cigarettes and being in some crazy bitch’s lesbian fantasies? That’s not exactly a stretch.

Mila: Right, and you playing a prissy know-it-all with a creepy ginger fetish is really ACTING.

Emma: It is not a ginger FETISH. There was only one ginger. I also snogged Viktor Krum. And Cormac McLaggen.

Mila: Fair point, because those were some serious hotties. Seriously, I don’t care how much of a douche he is, I’d have hopped right on McLaggen’s broomstick, if you know what I mean.

Emma: Oh, amen, darling. I’d let him put his Quaffle through my hoop, if you know what I mean.

Mila: Solid double entendre, girl. You might be cooler than I realized. Especially since Viktor Krum has a ten inch wand, if you know what I mean.

Emma: More importantly, it was described as “thicker than normal” and “quite rigid,” if you know what I mean. But Cedric Diggory’s packing a 12-inch wand. You can’t really compete with that.

Mila: Right, but he’s a big sparkly vampire. Anything that has touched Kristen Stewart is tainted, as far as I’m concerned.

Emma: Darling, at long last, we agree on something: vampires are totally gay.

Mila: Girl, you do not have to tell me that twice. You didn’t have to watch eight thousand takes of Jason Segel’s Dracula puppet show.

Emma: That does sound terrible. But not as bad as when Helena Bonham Carter says she’s method acting and spends all day trying to murder you.

Mila: Wow. You win.

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© Democracy Diva, 2011.