Good morning, sleepy divas!  

KRISTEN STEWART vs. MARION COTILLARD

Kristen: *unintelligible grumbles*

Marion: HAPPY SUNDAY, KRISTEN! How are you on this beautiful day?

Kristen: Please speak at a volume more appropriate for an extremely hungover Sunday morning.

Marion: But it’s the first day of spring! How can you not want to just shout about it?!

Kristen: Because I’m trying very hard not to hurl all over my white pantsuit.

Marion: Oh, cheer up, sunshine. There’s no need for your constant pouting.

Kristen: The best I can give you is a sort of half-smirk. I swear, I’ll puke if I have to stretch these lips into a real smile.

Marion: Fine, I’ll take it. But only if you stop talking about puke.

Kristen: But the more I talk about it, the queasier you look, and that’s just a lot of fun for me.

Marion: Has anyone ever told you that you’re the worst?

KIERNAN SHIPKA vs. NATALIE DORMER

Kiernan: Are you mad at me or something?

Natalie: What? No! You’re an adorable little thing, why would I be mad at you?

Kiernan: Um… because you won’t stop smirking at me?

Natalie: I am not smirking or pouting or Blue Steel-ing or Kristen Stewart-ing or anything else.

Kiernan: IDK. Your face begs to differ.

Natalie: For the ten thousandth time: I have a lopsided smile. THIS IS JUST HOW MY FACE IS.

Kiernan: Gosh, it was just a question! There’s no need to yell.

Natalie: If you got twenty questions a day about why you’re always serving duckface or resting bitch face or some other kind of negative face, you’d be yelling too.

Kiernan: Fair enough. So, is Jon Snow really dead or what?

Natalie: Nice try, but answering that question is worth more than my life.

JULIANNE MOORE vs. DITA VON TEESE

Julianne: Are we done yet?

Dita: What?

Julianne: The competition. Is it over?

Dita: We’re still in the first goddamn round, Julianne.

Julianne: Did I win yet?

Dita: Just how delusional are you? WE LITERALLY JUST STARTED.

Julianne: I’m sorry, Dita. I’m a busy woman, I just need to grab my trophy and leave.

Dita: What makes you so sure you’re taking home a trophy?

Julianne: Nothing! It’s just that my Oscar, my two Golden Globes, my BAFTA, my two SAG Awards, my Primetime Emmy, my Daytime Emmy, and my three Best Actress awards from film festivals in Cannes, Berlin, and Venice are getting a little bit lonely, that’s all.

Dita: Ugh. Actors are exhausting.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE vs. RIHANNA

Jennifer: Okay, Riri. Are you ready for a Dior face-off?

Rihanna: Hm? Yeah, sure. Whatever.

Jennifer: Be more enthused! You’re a face of Dior, I’m a face of Dior – it’s exciting!

Rihanna: … Is it, though?

Jennifer: Fine. It’s exciting to ME. You can feel however you want about it.

Rihanna: Good, because I really, truly could not care less.

Jennifer: It must be exhausting to be a pop star. You guys have to pretend you’re above it all. At least I get to be enthusiastic about stuff from time to time.

Rihanna: From time to time? You are basically a 24-hour enthusiasm machine. I can’t even imagine having to try to be that “real” and “relatable” all the time.

Jennifer: Well, that’s the thing – I don’t try to be relatable. I just kind of am.

Rihanna: Oh, that’s very funny, Jennifer. Good one. I’ll be sure to write that one down.

—
© Democracy Diva, 2016.
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