March Fabness 2016, Round 1: Valentino Bracket

Welcome back, divas! 

NAOMIE HARRIS vs. ELLE FANNING

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Naomie in Burberry; Elle in Ralph Lauren

Naomie: Do you really think standing that close to a pool is a smart move? I mean, this is a competition. One little shove and you’ll look like a drowned rat.

Elle: I’m a seventeen-year-old hipster darling. If anyone can make the drowned rat aesthetic work, it’s me.

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Naomie in Peter Pilotto; Elle in Prada

Naomie: Let’s hope you’re better at that than you are at the little fairy nymph aesthetic. That shit is tired.

Elle: Tired? You’re calling this fresh-faced little flower tired?

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Naomie in McQueen; Elle in Gucci

Naomie: Well, I’m certainly exhausted by your shtick. What, the flower straps weren’t enough? You had to throw BIRDS on the dress, too?

Elle: You’re not seriously judging me about flowers in THAT ungapatchke gown, are you?

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Naomie in Stella McCartney; Elle in Gucci

Naomie: Unga-what?

Elle: Ungapatchke. It’s Yiddish. Look it up.

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Naomie in Mugler; Elle in Emilio Pucci

Naomie: Sorry, I don’t have my Yiddish-English dictionary handy.

Elle: Um, what’s the point of carrying a purse if you don’t keep a guidebook to Yiddish phrases on you at all times? Hang on, I think I have a miniature one in one of these pockets…

CHRISSY TEIGEN vs. VICTORIA BECKHAM

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Chrissy in Lanvin; Victoria in Victoria Beckham

Chrissy: *whispered to John* We’re prettier than her and David, right? TELL ME WE’RE PRETTIER, AND OUR KIDS WILL BE PRETTIER.

Victoria: Chrissy, I’m RIGHT HERE. I can hear literally everything you’re saying.

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Chrissy in Giorgio Armani; Victoria in Victoria Beckham

Chrissy: Oh. Awkward. So… how’s the family?!

Victoria: Nice save, Chrissy. Really convincing.

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Chrissy in Michael Kors; Victoria in Victoria Beckham

Chrissy: Listen, Posh – may I call you Posh?

Victoria: No.

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Chrissy in Talbot Runhof; Victoria in Victoria Beckham

Chrissy: Posh, I’m mere moments away from shooting this baby outta my uterus, so could you maybe just cut me some slack?

Victoria: Hmph. I suppose, as a mother (who definitely never gained more than the weight of her fetus during any of her pregnancies), I can let your previous comments slide.

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Chrissy in Marchesa; Victoria in Victoria Beckham

Chrissy: Oh, thanks. That’s a REALLY helpful comment.

Victoria: You are so very welcome.

KERRY WASHINGTON vs. TAYLOR SWIFT

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Kerry in Tanya Taylor; Taylor in Miss Patina

Kerry: So… what do you keep in that purse?

Taylor: I don’t understand your question.

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Kerry in Self-Portrait; Taylor in Ashish

Kerry: I always see you strutting down sidewalks with giant, empty-looking purses. What’s even in those things?

Taylor: In? What do you mean, IN?

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Kerry in Marc Jacobs; Taylor in Reem Acra

Kerry: I’m really not sure how to break this down any further. When you open up your purse, what do you put inside it?

Taylor: Is this a trick question? Nothing. There’s nothing in there.

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Kerry in Boss; Taylor in Alexandre Vauthier

Kerry: But… why?

Taylor: Wait. Do you PUT things in your purse? Like, to CARRY AROUND with you? Why would anyone do something like that?

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Kerry in Giambattista Valli; Taylor in Atelier Versace

Kerry: … because that’s literally what they are designed for?

Taylor: My mistake. I thought that’s what personal assistants were designed for.

ROONEY MARA vs. BRIE LARSON

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Rooney in Chanel; Brie in Giambattista Valli

Rooney: *bleep bleep blorp*

Brie: It’s a pleasure to meet you too, Robot Audrey Hepburn!

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Rooney in Chanel; Brie in Gucci

Rooney: *boop boop beep beep boop*

Brie: Why, thank you! You look lovely today as well.

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Rooney in Olivier Theyskens for Rochas; Brie in Versace

Rooney: *whrrrrr, meep meep meep, whrrrrrr*

Brie: No, I don’t think your gown is too bridal. I think it’s quite lovely.

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Rooney in Valentino; Brie in Monse

Rooney: *pwomp pwomp ZING pwomp*

Brie: Oh, thank you, Robot Audrey. Yes, winning this Oscar was just the greatest moment of my entire career.

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Rooney in McQueen; Brie in Calvin Klein

Rooney: NEW. DIRECTIVE. beeeeep. MUST. STEAL. OSCAR. beeeeep.

Brie: kbai


© Democracy Diva, 2016.
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