Welcome back, divas!
NAOMIE HARRIS vs. ELLE FANNING
Naomie: Do you really think standing that close to a pool is a smart move? I mean, this is a competition. One little shove and you’ll look like a drowned rat.
Elle: I’m a seventeen-year-old hipster darling. If anyone can make the drowned rat aesthetic work, it’s me.
Naomie: Let’s hope you’re better at that than you are at the little fairy nymph aesthetic. That shit is tired.
Elle: Tired? You’re calling this fresh-faced little flower tired?
Naomie: Well, I’m certainly exhausted by your shtick. What, the flower straps weren’t enough? You had to throw BIRDS on the dress, too?
Elle: You’re not seriously judging me about flowers in THAT ungapatchke gown, are you?
Elle: Ungapatchke. It’s Yiddish. Look it up.
Naomie: Sorry, I don’t have my Yiddish-English dictionary handy.
Elle: Um, what’s the point of carrying a purse if you don’t keep a guidebook to Yiddish phrases on you at all times? Hang on, I think I have a miniature one in one of these pockets…
CHRISSY TEIGEN vs. VICTORIA BECKHAM
Chrissy: *whispered to John* We’re prettier than her and David, right? TELL ME WE’RE PRETTIER, AND OUR KIDS WILL BE PRETTIER.
Victoria: Chrissy, I’m RIGHT HERE. I can hear literally everything you’re saying.
Chrissy: Oh. Awkward. So… how’s the family?!
Victoria: Nice save, Chrissy. Really convincing.
Chrissy: Listen, Posh – may I call you Posh?
Chrissy: Posh, I’m mere moments away from shooting this baby outta my uterus, so could you maybe just cut me some slack?
Victoria: Hmph. I suppose, as a mother (who definitely never gained more than the weight of her fetus during any of her pregnancies), I can let your previous comments slide.
Chrissy: Oh, thanks. That’s a REALLY helpful comment.
Victoria: You are so very welcome.
KERRY WASHINGTON vs. TAYLOR SWIFT
Kerry: So… what do you keep in that purse?
Taylor: I don’t understand your question.
Kerry: I always see you strutting down sidewalks with giant, empty-looking purses. What’s even in those things?
Taylor: In? What do you mean, IN?
Kerry: I’m really not sure how to break this down any further. When you open up your purse, what do you put inside it?
Taylor: Is this a trick question? Nothing. There’s nothing in there.
Kerry: But… why?
Taylor: Wait. Do you PUT things in your purse? Like, to CARRY AROUND with you? Why would anyone do something like that?
Kerry: … because that’s literally what they are designed for?
Taylor: My mistake. I thought that’s what personal assistants were designed for.
ROONEY MARA vs. BRIE LARSON
Rooney: *bleep bleep blorp*
Brie: It’s a pleasure to meet you too, Robot Audrey Hepburn!
Rooney: *boop boop beep beep boop*
Brie: Why, thank you! You look lovely today as well.
Rooney: *whrrrrr, meep meep meep, whrrrrrr*
Brie: No, I don’t think your gown is too bridal. I think it’s quite lovely.
Rooney: *pwomp pwomp ZING pwomp*
Brie: Oh, thank you, Robot Audrey. Yes, winning this Oscar was just the greatest moment of my entire career.
Rooney: NEW. DIRECTIVE. beeeeep. MUST. STEAL. OSCAR. beeeeep.