Gossip Girls On and Off the Set

Readers, if you ever feel the need to lavish me with gifts, I’d like one of everything you see above. I wear a size six shoe. That is all.

Leave it to the Gossip Girl team to put Serena in a long-sleeved full length gown that STILL reveals every inch of flesh possible. But I still think it’s a gorgeous dress. And I love that it’s so much more naked than it seems at first glance. Like, surprise! You didn’t think you’d see my hoo-hah, but here it is!

I love how similar this dress feels to the one before it, even though they’re actually quite different. The sleeves are gorgeous, and that lace slip is just too hot for words. Not as revealing, but just as sexy, because Blake has a killer set of stems. (Her tits go without saying.) Great shoes, and I’ll even forgive the dark toe nail polish because they match her nails and the general dark princess vibe of the overall look. But the sloppy braid looks lazy.

Divas Abroad

There’s just no other word for it: Dita Von Teese is the definition of FIERCE. That suit is vintage perfection, and the pairing of those gloves and shoes was a brilliant move. And check out the shoes on Galliano! Totally badass.

I can’t sum up how Jon Hamm looks better than TLo, who really said it all:

JON: I’m hung! Have you noticed?

I know my parents read my blog and all (hi, mommy and daddy!) but… I still think we need to talk about Jon Hamm’s dick in that suit. Or at least acknowledge the fact that it is taking over this photograph.

It’s the age-old rule: Dress a size bigger and you’ll look a size smaller. Katy Perry breaks this rule on a daily basis. I also hate the hair, the makeup, the jewelry, and the dress itself.

Remember Barbie’s little sister Skipper? The tween version of Barbie? I’m pretty sure this is what she’d wear if she lived in Hollywood and started doing cocaine. Oddly enough, I don’t really mean that as an insult. I think Selena looks kind of awesome here. I know I should hate those pants, but they’re pretty badass. But since she’s Selena Gomez, she looks like a little doll version of badass girl. Which is sort of precious.

It’s all about the sassy pose, the devil-may-care attitude, and those killer shoes. And I can’t even handle that “I dare you to fall in love with me” look in her eyes. Ugh, my girl crush on her is SERIOUS.

The dress? Delicious in color, fit and style. The blazer? Stunning, and it was a great move to pair the two garments together. The shoes? I want them so badly, I may fly over to Paris and pry those off Rachel’s feet myself.

And can we just talk about how great her posture is in both photos? Rachel, your mama taught you well.

Models in Cavalli

I hate the hair – Heidi is perfect-looking, but her face does not go well with that 1920s finger curl. But that gown is gorgeous, and like nearly everything Heidi wears, it’s shiny and it makes her boobs look perky as can be.

The hair is better, but you know I’m not a fan of those droopy silhouettes. And I know Cavalli designed both, so it makes sense that they look similar, but I don’t know why a supermodel would wear two such similar dresses to fashion events in consecutive weeks.

Different model turned fashion TV show host, same designer. The gown is way too long, but it’s nice enough. And I bet you’re thinking, how has she gone three sentences without commenting on THAT THING ON TYRA’S FACE? Seriously, I get that it’s a masquerade ball, but she looks ridiculous. And not in the look-how-avant-garde-I-am, Lady Gaga sort of way.

And here, still in Cavalli, she looks ridiculous in a totally different, leopard print jumpsuit sort of way.

Ladies in the States

 

Sad and drab. Charlotte deserves better!

Jesus. She looks like Mariah Carey in 1991. And that is certainly not a compliment. The dress looks identical to the 80s prom dress I bought for twenty bucks at a vintage store. I love my dress, but I’m not wearing it to a charity ball! The barely-there makeup is not a look that suits Beyonce, the hair looks sort of fake, and the dress emphasizes B’s tummy in a really unflattering way.

This would look way better on Suri than it does on Katie.

• Evening makeup at a daytime event? Why?
• My Bubbie (that’s ‘grandmother’ for those of you unfamiliar with Yiddish) could rock that sweater way harder, and she’s 87.
• That awful blue colored denim, most popular circa 1997? On jeans that are peg-legged, knobbly-kneed, and wide through the hips? Once again, WHY?
• Is that blue glitter toenail polish? I AM JUDGING YOU.

Kate always looks stunning with a touch of bland, doesn’t she? Beautiful woman, great style, but she’s just so forgettable. I do think she’s a bit old for black nail and (ugh) toenail polish, and the dress also feels like she’s trying too hard to be younger, but she’s still got the flawless skin to pull it off. For now.

If Lady Gaga, Cher, and Britney Spears in “Toxic” had a super-diva lovechild, this is what it would wear. This is phenomenal. Also, I wonder if Gaga has a personal trainer just for her ass. Or perhaps it has its own armed security guard. Because that thing is a work of art.

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