Welcome back to your slightly-less-than-weekly celebrity fashion recap!
Your long-awaited Grammys red carpet recap is here! Don’t forget to check out the rest of my most recent posts: Red Carpet Predictions, and the Best of New York Fashion Week, not to mention the Celebs in the Front Rows of the runway shows, and your regular Weekly Celebrity Fashion Recap!
Without further ado…
10. Vagina Cleavage
It makes me very upset to say this, but I need a word for when you can see a little side-vagina action, a la Lady Gaga. Side-gina? Vagina cleavage? Peek-a-vag? (I think that’s my favorite.) Maybe we should name it after Gaga and call it a Gagagina. Dear readers, I wish there were not a need for me to invent such a term, but Andy committed a serious fashion faux pas by letting this model walk down the runway in an over-designed bathrobe and a cooter-revealing panty. Andy, I believe that your model got a bikini wax before the show. You really don’t need to prove it to us.
9. The Tiny Backwards Apron
Really? That’s the part of the body we’re choosing to emphasize? The area between the boobs and the bellybutton is not something that women want to highlight with window curtains. That square patch of exposed skin is beyond unnecessary. Also, is it just me, or is this Kurt Cobain in a skirt?
8. Drab and Sad
Anybody in the market for an over-sized denim tunic and a saggy double-layered skirt? No? I didn’t think so.
7. My Lovely Lady Lumps
Oh, lord. Why would anybody place seams in those places? It just makes this poor bitch look like her (nonexistent) fat is busting out of that dress. And the diagonal pieces across her tummy? No, no, no!
6. The Worst of 1999
I had that belt in seventh grade, and even I knew it was lame. Also, that shirt is so tacky I’m pretty sure Jessica Alba wore it in Never Been Kissed. (Yeah, she was in that. So was James Franco. Look it up.) And I’m pretty sure MC Hammer would look at those pants and say, “That’s a bit much.”
5. The Tranny Orchestra
Okay. So this is a dude with a mohawk wearing pants under a skirt while playing the violin. And he had Taylor Momsen do his eyeliner. If this is fashion, I may as well just give up right now.
4. Ugly Pants: The Sequel
For some reason, Catherine Malandrino neglected to read my last post about her ugly pants, and continued her trend of saggy crotches. One season of jodpurs may be forgivable, but two? I will not stand for such offensive clothing.
3. Ugly Pants is Better than No Pants At All
Knitwear legwarmers as pants? Plus a nipple-tastic ratty tee and a giant panty? Okay, Malandrino. I’ll take the saggy-vag pants over this shit.
2. Creature of the Underworld
Dear readers: If you ever see me in a greasy mullet, scary bottom-lid eyeliner, thick-thighed sheer pants, and whatever the fuck those “shoes” are, please commit me to the nearest rehabilitation center. Thank you.
1. The Cameltoe
Look at this poor model’s face. She’s saying, “I’m wearing a jumpsuit in a pattern best suited for your grandmother’s couch, with a karate belt, Wonder Woman bracelets, and queer little bows around my ankles. AND LOOK AT WHAT THEY DID TO MY POOR VAGINA!” In other news, I don’t think I’ve ever used the word “vagina” so many times in one post. I’ll work on that, dear readers.
Up next: The ten BEST looks from New York Fashion Week! Follow me @democracydiva for updates.
I’ve spent all week viewing 150 runway shows from New York Fashion Week. Let the blogging begin.
THE DREADED JODHPURS
Dictionary.com defines jodhpurs as “riding breeches cut very full over the hips and tapering at the knees to become tightfitting from the knees to the ankles.” Put simply, they’re baggy at the thigh, and tight from the knee down. I like to think of them as the mullet of pants.
Pants inspired by jodhpurs made appearances at far too many runway shows this week, including Camilla Staerk, Malandrino, Alica + Olivia, Alexandre Herchcovitch, Twinkle by Wenlan, Suno, Andy & Debb, and many others. Let’s see who was able to sort of pull off such an awful trend, and who just embarrassed the glorious name of Pants everywhere.
The Good, The Bad, the Malandrino
These are minimally offensive. The structured fabric helps minimize the baggy effect at the thighs, and the plum-colored tweed print is lovely. The look aims for high fashion, so although it’s not very wearable, it’s not supposed to be. As far as jodhpurs go, you can’t do much better than this.
Same designer, same type of pant, and yet this is miles more disturbing than the previous look. It’s certainly not helped by the garish accessories and awkwardly draped shirt. But add these exaggerated jodhpurs to the mix, and she ends up looking like a transvestite pirate (and not in a good way).
Kudos, Alice + Olivia
Well, not quite kudos, since you still fucking put jodhpurs on the runway, but at least you did it in a semi-wearable way. This may be more of a legwarmers-over-baggy-pants situation rather than jodhpurs, but the effect is the same. The chic blazer helps – clearly, the rule for passable jodhpurs is that they need to be paired with something more structured and stylish to minimize the disheveled-ness of the look. But I could certainly see a long-legged starlet wearing this out on the town and only being marginally mocked for it. On an unrelated note, doesn’t this model look remarkably like Calista Flockhart?
Again, the jodhpurs are vastly improved by a sexy structured blazer. If it weren’t for the appearance of the world’s largest cameltoe that this photo conveys, this would be a pair of pants that I wouldn’t mock a stranger for wearing.
The Worst of the Worst
I’m too nauseous to think of anything witty to say.
More fashion week updates to come!