I can’t even pretend to call these fashion recaps “weekly” anymore, because I’ve been such a slacker this summer. But better late than never, my darlings.

The Future of Fashion

 

Sometimes I look at Miley Cyrus and Taylor Momsen and I weep for the future, for today’s tweens who will have no fashion icons of their generation to worship when they are old enough for fashion to really matter. But Dakota Fanning always reminds me to believe in America’s youth, because she is fucking FABULOUS. First of all, she’s wearing a dress from Marchesa’s bridal collection, and she is wearing the hell out of it. I’d wear this to my wedding in a heartbeat, and even though Dakota’s wearing this to an awards ceremony and not a wedding, she doesn’t look like she’s in costume or out of place. The black peep toe heels are perfection. They keep the look funky and youthful, and bring a little hardness to such a romantic, breathtaking little dress. Also, let it not go unnoticed that this girl gets more and more beautiful with each passing day. Keep it up, Dakota. The children need you.

And although she can be quite boring on the red carpet, kudos must be given to Ms. Taylor Swift for this little slice of heaven. The straight hair is a refreshing change – although my uber-judgmental eyes are spotted some seriously damaged split ends – and the dress is gorgeous. The belt buckle straps, the corset-style bodice, the way it flares at the waist, the color, the pattern – it’s all working for me. I’d wear the whole outfit, head-to-toe, in a heartbeat. And I dig the shoes – they keep it casual and youthful.

And then I see this photo, and I lose all faith in humanity.

Another Failed Attempt at Couture

 

Marchesa is one of my favorite designers, and Kristen Stewart is one of my least favorite people, so pardon my incredible bias. BUT THIS GIRL SHOULD BE SHOT.

Okay, sorry, that was harsh. But why, God, why can’t Kristen Stewart just stick to things that are basic? Namely, things that look good on non-celebrities? Because K. Stew is no beauty, and you need to be seriously beautiful to pull off some of the craziness that is Marchesa. You also need to know how to stand up straight, how to keep your shoulders back, how to hide your weird, knobbly knees, how to smile… basically everything that Kristen Stewart fails most at. May this be a message to everyone: It’s good to take risks, but making an obvious reach far outside your comfort zone will rarely pay off.

The Fabulous Frocks of the First Lady

 

Hello, gorgeous! The FLOTUS sex-ed it up for real this week in this fabulous little dress. This is the thinnest she’s ever looked, and this dress hugs all her curves perfectly. I’m actually shocked to see her in something so form-fitting and sexy, because she’s usually more conservative when it comes to the actual fit of the garments. But may all of us have that waistline when we’re 46-year-old mothers of two.

And Jackie O is reborn. This is classic Americana at its best. A gorgeous color and a great silhouette, and I love that MObama wears that double strand of pearls with everything. It keeps her looks classy and consistent.

Katy vs. Katy: The Battle of the Fugly

 

I’d like to begin by pointing out that this photo takes place at the finale of Germany’s Next Top Model. I’m not sure if that gives Katy a free pass, or just makes the whole already desperate outfit look even more depressing. I’ve already said more about how much I hate Katy Perry’s bangs than anyone should need to say, so let’s move right along to the dress. I believe Tim Gunn would say that this looks incredibly amateurish, like the dress a blind drag queen makes after his first fashion class in Tokyo. (Okay, maybe Mr. Gunn wouldn’t say that.)

But Katy, since you always insist on dressing like a complete fucking idiot, please just take some advice: Skintight plastic is not a good look for your curves, and the flats aren’t helping the situation. When wearing Rainbow Brite’s corset, make sure it flatters your butt and thighs a little more.

She finally gets rid of those awful bangs, and from the neck up, Katy looks more beautiful than ever. But that dress… ohmygod. It looks like Johnny Weir got into a fight with a chainsaw. It’s just awful. But it does bring back fond memories of when I’d cut up my Brookdale Performing Arts Camp 1998 t-shirt and tie it back together up the sides, because I knew that style looked just as awesome on me when I was ten as it does on Katy now. Nobody is perfect, least of all the Democracy Diva, but at least I got over that particular fashion statement once I hit puberty. What’s Katy’s excuse?

Women Who Should Know Better

 

It pains me to see those little metal studs poking into her fat. Oh my God, J.Lo, just give it up. You’re not a 25-year-old dancer anymore, and wearing something like this basically screams, “I WISH I COULD HAVE MY YOUTH BACK!” And give me the name of whoever allowed you to wear this, because they need to be punched in the face immediately. You’ve had kids; there’s no reason for you to parade around in something like this and expect it to look good. I never expected you to age gracefully, but this is desperate even for a woman who married Ben Affleck AND Marc Anthony.

You know, I try not to be mean. Seriously, I know I write scathing things about basically every celebrity ever, but I try not to be cold-blooded about it, at least for most of them. But I nearly fell on the floor laughing at how awful Khloe looks here. My first reaction was just to cackle mercilessly about this hot mess of a woman, and honestly, can you blame me? Horizontal stripes, mostly invisible shoes, a sheer robe, and an expression like Kourtney’s water just broke all over her bare feet – it’s almost too bad to be true. This, ladies and gentlemen, is comedy gold.

Double Winner

It’s a little bit sailor, borderline costumey, but I still think Salma Hayek looks unbelievable in this retro-style dress. The hair, makeup, and accessories all make her seem like she’s ready to perform at a USO show during World War II, but I actually find that really charming. I think a different color purse would have been better, but the look is fabulously tailored, meticulously styled, and altogether fabulous.

Purr. Feck. Shun.