I truly never tire of the GW Hatchet’s sex column, if only because it gives me something to bitch and moan about. I’ll let their agenda of abstinence and their female sex columnist off the hook for now, but I’ve got some feelings I’d like to share on the male sex columnist’s inaptly titled “When bad sex happens to good people,” which I encourage you to read on the GW Hatchet website.

Mr. Jones, the GW Hatchet’s male sex columnist, wrote about what the Hatchet called “less-than-stellar bedroom tales.” It was a companion piece to the female sex columnist’s article; both were supposed to cover their bad sexual experiences.

My issues with Mr. Jones’ piece are twofold: first of all, he tries to come off sounding enlightened about women, but he is incredibly sexist. And secondly, his article has little to do with what it promises.

“Take a lesson from those who have learned the hard way,” Mr. Jones warns us. “Sometimes it is beneficial to slow things down.” Here is the premise of Mr. Jones’ “bad sex” encounter:

1. He has no-strings-attached sex with several different girls.
2. He saw his favorite of these booty calls making out with some guy at a club.
3. That’s it.

Yes, that’s right. Mr. Jones’ horrible experience is that he saw a girl that he was happily nonexclusive with, enjoying the same privilege he was enjoying: the

right to sleep around. Not only is this not a bad sex story as the title promise – in fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with their sex life with each other – but it’s also rife with sexism.

Mr. Jones admits his douchery: “I had been thinking of girls like On-Demand television – there when I wanted them and otherwise just waiting around for me to call. But that is simply not the case, as I found out all too well.” As the end-of-the-story moral, he proudly informs us that “when it comes to potential hook-up situations, girls have just as much control as boys. They are not sitting at home waiting for a call.” Wow, what groundbreaking news! What is this, 1974? In our allegedly sexually liberated society, did it really take you until COLLEGE to figure out that girls have control over their own sex lives? Unless this kid came straight to GW from an extremist polygamous Mormon compound, I can’t imagine why it took him so long to become the enlightened man he clearly thinks he is.

But what strikes me as even more bizarre is Mr. Jones’ conclusion. He does not conclude that men need to suck it up and realize that if they’re allowed to sleep around, so are we. Instead, he emphasizes communication as the solution to his “problem.” That’s right, boys, if you COMMUNICATE with the women you’re sleeping with, you can convince her to only sleep with you, while you continue fucking everyone in Foggy Bottom! Congratulations, Mr. Jones, on being able to find a solution that works for everyone.

Welcome to the 21st century, GW Hatchet. It’s not breaking news that women enjoy sex, and your readers shouldn’t be expected to commiserate with someone who suffered the horrible problem of… watching someone they don’t care about kiss someone else they don’t care about? Doesn’t exactly sound like it falls under the “bad sex happens to good people” category. I’d file it under “I sleep around, but expect women to stay faithful because I have no concept of sexual liberation,” or perhaps a more concise heading such as “ill-informed bullshit.”