Back the fuck up, Muggles – there’s magic in the air.
EMMA WATSON in Oscar de la Renta
Well, the winner of March Fabness 2011 certainly lived up to her title, didn’t she? I was nervous about what her hair would look like, because a half-grown-out pixie cut tends to veer on the side of batshit crazy, but she looks sleek and polished as ever. And the dress, darlings? Fantastically beautiful. That grayish blue tulle can be hard to pull off, as it often resembles dirty dishwater, but the ivory bodice and Emma’s general amazingness make it work.
And, just for kicks, a close up of our beautiful Hermione Granger:
Everything works – the nail polish, the ring, the earrings, the makeup. She really gets more beautiful every day.
Our leading man looked quite dapper – we love Englishmen, if only for their dedication to vests – but the black buttons are a little severe, and the pants could have fit better. Take a cue from Gaga and get carried onto the red carpet in a giant egg (perhaps a dragon egg?) so your outfit doesn’t wrinkle en route.
King of all Gingers Ronald Bilius Weasley took to the red carpet in a subtle black-on-black patterned blazer, which we loved. But a printed jacket with solid pants looks much more casual than a suit; he should’ve gone a bit more formal for such a high-profile event.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
I don’t know how to say this, but… Helena Bonham Carter looks kind of elegant! She’s still got her HBC crazy, with the fascinator and her ubiquitous sunglasses in her hand, but she’s looking decidedly un-fucking-nuts, which is really quite refreshing. The dress has a nice shape, a lovely color, and some interesting details. But we kind of hope she goes full-on Bellatrix crazy for the next premiere. It’s much more fun.
If there’s a reason to join the Death Eaters, it’s DRACO. FUCKING. MALFOY. Good God, he really is delicious once they let him out in the sunlight, isn’t he? I could do without him and Ron rocking scruff, but now that everyone’s allowed to not look like children anymore, I understand why they’d want to go a little beardy on us.
BONNIE WRIGHT in Miu Miu
Let’s hear it for a redhead who wears pink! Iron out some of the wrinkles, get rid of the twee ruffles on the cuffs, and Ginny Weasley would look pretty damn terrific. The gown is, if not perfect, then at least interesting and flattering, and the way the color fades is really fantastic.
CLEMENCE POESY in Nina Ricci
Sorry, Fleur, but your veela charm ain’t working. Obviously she looks flawless, but this is about as basic as basic gets. These white belted folded-napkin dresses are really overdone, her eyeliner is far too severe, and the hair is just lazy. You’re French and thin as a rail – looking good shouldn’t be this hard.
I don’t know HOW Neville Longbottom turned into the smoldering movie star he is now, but thank God he did. Love the suit, love the smirk, love the scruff, love the hair. Neville, darling, you can show me that Sword of Gryffindor anytime.
And when did Luna Lovegood turn into Taylor Swift? In a good way, if that’s possible. Nix the shoes, and she looks beyond adorable.
JAMES and OLIVER PHELPS
Mboo. I prefer my Weasley twins with ginger hair and pants that fit better, please.
I didn’t know who this crackwhore was, until I realized it’s TONKS. This is hilarious beyond words. She may want to consider Metamorphmagus-ing herself a new hairdo, because this is looking a little terrifying. Also, do British women not understand cowboy boots and when/where they are appropriate, or is this bitch just batshit crazy?
Okay, I know we’re kind of getting into the weeds of the Harry Potter cast here, but I just have to point out that this is Dolores Umbridge and she looks AWESOME. That’s all.
J.K. ROWLING in Oscar de la Renta
The real star of the evening, of course, was Ms. Rowling herself, who said “Fuck you all, this is MY party, and I’m wearing Oscar de la Renta, and Emma Watson can lick my nuts.” I can’t say I like the dress, which doesn’t really fit her at all, but I respect her for taking a fashion risk, and for, you know. Being J.K. Rowling.
If Darren Criss stopped posing like this on the red carpet, and maybe once wore pants that covered his ankles, I would still be able to love him. Sigh. But I do love the idea of him and Daniel Radcliffe on the same red carpet. It makes me feel like the world might explode with gay magic.
I can’t tell you what the hell the editor-in-chief of Vogue was doing at this event, but that dress is stunning.