Oh my GOD, do we have a lot of judging to do.
MARION COTILLARD // gown by Christian Dior
Yes, Leo’s French wife from Inception is promoting her new film by dressing really well all over Hollywood and beyond. I’m not all about the Princess Leia hair, but the gown is beautiful and dramatic and … well, French. She’s a French actress in a Dior gown – what else do you expect? A hot Frenchie can just hrow on some black lace, and she’s all set.
MARION COTILLARD // dress by Lanvin
OBSESSED. Like, actually dying for this dress and cannot think about anything else.
OLIVIA PALERMO // dress by Valentino
How many unicorns had to die so Olivia could have that purse?
ALESSANDRA AMBROSIO // gown by Missoni, headband and clutch by Missoni for Target
I can’t decide if this is the tackiest thing in the world or if I LOVE IT, because it’s the launch of the Missoni for Target collection (which is supposed to be AMAZING, by the way) and when else can you wear this dress? She’s so beautiful it doesn’t matter, and the headband is super-cute and the purse is phenomenal, so I’m in favor of it.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY // dress by Orla Kiely, sunglasses by Ralph Lauren, shoes by Tabitha Simmons
This is a little too painfully matchy-matchy for me. Unless you’re Kate Middleton and the Queen of England personally requires you to dress modestly, there’s no reason for her itsy-bitsy little belt to perfectly match her loafers and the big gold buttons on her perfectly fit coat-dress are the same size, shape and color as her necklace. However, those sunglasses look absolutely fantastic on her, even if she looks like the most severe ice queen I’ve ever seen.
KYLIE MINOGUE // dress by Yves Saint Laurent
Same schoolgirl chic, but Kylie somehow looks totally bad-ass, because you can totally get away with a brass-buttoned nun’s habit, as long as it’s by Yves Saint Laurent.
LEIGHTON MEESTER // dress by Carven
Leighton, you’re KILLING me. You are standing in front of a TIFFANY sign – show some respect! Do your hair and makeup for a fashion industry red carpet event, for Cher’s sake! And while this dress would make a beautiful nightgown and a fantastic bedsheet, it just looks ridiculous on you.
HEIDI KLUM // gown by L’Agence
Wrong hair, wrong makeup, wrong dress. Sorry, Heidi, but one day you’re in, and the next … YAHH OWWWT. Auf-mother-fucking-wiedersehen, Klum of Doom.
JESSICA CHASTAIN // dress by Carolina Herrera, shoes by Salvatore Ferragamo
I mean, this dress is precious and darling and twee-riffic, but who does she think she is – Dakota Fanning?
Oh. I guess so. Awkward.
JAIME KING // blouse and pants by Prabal Gurung, purse by Chanel
Though she needs to admit that platinum blonde is seriously not her color, I think Jaime King looks fab here. The blouse is definitely awesome, and looks great with the pinkish-nude cami underneath. And that Chanel purse? Uh, YUM.
ALEXA CHUNG // dress by Stella McCartney, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Oh. My. GOD. It’s all so gruesome: a grown woman in days-unwashed hair, with no makeup, wearing a multi-thousand dollar gown that doesn’t come close to fitting her, some sort of African tribal mask as her purse, and those SHOES. For the love of God, even Elton John in 1977 would’ve looked at those shoes and said, “Honey, isn’t that a bit tacky?”
GWYNETH PALTROW // coat by Stella McCartney
Okay, even though my main thrill in life is mocking Gwyneth, I’ll give her this: that coat is phenomenal and she’s working the hell out of it. The houndstooth print on that boxy cut is really excellent on her. But you might be surprised by what she’s rocking under that coat:
GWYNETH PALTROW // dress by Lanvin, clutch by Coach, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Like, what? How random is that? Who on earth pairs that coat with this dress? Also, this dress is far too ill-fitting and misshapen to work on any level, but especially not when you know it could be covered by yard s of lovely houndstooth. And if Gwyneth thinks she’s famous enough to make orange dresses with red shoes cool, I’m here to tell her that she is completely fucking wrong.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER // dress by Prabal Gurung
Ugh. Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than when SJP takes it to a bondage place. I hate when she tries the studs-and-leather sort of things; she looks like a middle-aged woman trying to wear whatever the kids are wearing nowadays and just looking way older in the process. (Because she is.)
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
SJP, I’ll take it all back if you would just let me be in the same building as this coat for like, five minutes. Seriously. All is forgiven. I WANT THAT COAT.