KRISTEN STEWART at the Los Angeles premiere
gown by Zuhair Murad, shoes by Jimmy Choo
We begin with K.Stew at the Los Angeles premiere, the press tour’s first and probably biggest event. I’ve never, ever seen Kristen look this at home in a feminine, romantic gown before – in general, she only looks comfortable in pants and short skirts, never gowns. I think the hair – has it ever been this sleek and shiny and, well, brushed? – is helping her look more at home in the gown; the juxtaposition of “I don’t give a fuck” hair and elaborate ball gown is usually what makes Kristen look so awkward in formalwear. I’m not a Zuhair Murad fan, but when I first saw this, I thought it was one of the nicest gowns I’ve seen from that label: the bodice, the belt, and the panels in the lace skirt are immensely flattering. But before we consider this a success, I must show you the back:
There are two options here: First, that Kristen Stewart’s stylist is a moron who did not realize giant granny panties would be on display in every direction on the red carpet. I prefer to believe the second explanation, which is that it’s written in K.Stew’s contract that she reserves the right to moon the entire audience via granny panties, or any underwear of equivalent ugliness, at the premiere of the final film, because she refused to suffer the indignity of playing such a shitty character for so many years without getting one last “fuck you” out to the world. Yeah, let’s go with that.
KRISTEN STEWART at the London premiere
jumpsuit by Zuhair Murad, shoes by Christian Louboutin
You know, considering how insane this is, she’s almost making it work. Of course, no one but Cher in the 1970s could actually make this disco-dancing ice-skater costume work, so perhaps Kristen is gunning for the lead in a Cher-themed Twilight spinoff entitled “Gypsies, Vamps, and Thieves.” Either way, I can’t support what’s happening between her bellybutton and her knees, by far the strangest and most awkward part of the outfit. Well, until she turns around, that is:
Kristen, do you know you’re wearing glittery, fringed buttcheek-cushions? Or is this some revenge prank R.Patz played on you in the limo ride to this event? There must be a sinister explanation for those ass-pads, dear readers.
KRISTEN STEWART at the Madrid premiere
dress by Christian Dior, shoes by Barbara Bui
This is more along the lines of what I expected/hoped for from K.Stew’s final press tour – fierce cocktail dresses, legs for days, and killer shoes. I’m pleasantly surprised to see her in such a fantastic, bright color, and even though I thought I was sick of both houndstooth shoes and studded shoes, the combination of the two slightly tired trends in one shoe somehow looks fresh and chic.
KRISTEN STEWART at the Madrid photocall
dress by Julien Macdonald, shoes by Jerome C. Rousseau
This was at a photo call, not a premiere, so I’ll forgive the fact that it’s a little underwhelming – it should be, compared to the rest. But I am a little too tired of bodycon dresses to care about a dress like this. The necklace was a good instinct, but it might be just a little too big – instead of pulling the look together, it kind of overpowers it.
KRISTEN STEWART at the Berlin premiere
gown by Elie Saab, shoes by Christian Louboutin
I rarely see an Elie Saab gown I don’t like, but the wiggly lines across the bodice and down the skirt are extremely unflattering, particularly with the slit. Those lines draw the eye to really strange places, making her waist look wider and her bust nonexistent. And the shoes are terrible, dear readers. Just terrible.
ROBERT PATTINSON at the Los Angeles premiere
suit by Gucci, shoes by Bally
I’ll only briefly touch on menswear in this post, since it wasn’t particularly interesting on this press tour. But when Robert Pattinson shows up looking this put-together, and in a green Gucci suit, no less, you stop and take notice. I’d never have thought he could pull something as fashion-y as this off, but I love it. And I loved it even more when I saw the close-up and realized it’s not a matte green suit, but a subtle print:
The perfect print, dear readers. And I’ll state for the record that this is the most attractive I’ve found him since his Cedric Diggory days.
ASHLEY GREENE at the Los Angeles premiere
gown by Donna Karan
Ashley, I don’t care if you’re the face of Donna Karan – you’ve got to wear something else once in awhile. I like the woven fabric at the bodice, but things go downhill when you reach that skirt. I know it’s intentionally ragged-looking, but I don’t care. It still looks like she’s trailing dirty toilet paper wherever she goes.
ASHLEY GREENE at the New York City screening
gown by Donna Karan
It’s very severe, from the straight locks and rigid side-part to the heavy eye makeup and skintight geometric bodice. But I don’t dislike it, and it’s one of the more memorable things she’s worn. I believe you can mix blue and black, but I don’t like this particular black clutch. She’s an absolute vision in navy, though, I’ll give her that.
NIKKI REED at the Los Angeles premiere
gown by Versace, purse by Judith Leiber
Well, how about that! Who knew Nikki Reed had it in her to look so chic, even if this dress is about a year behind the trends? It needs a good hemming, and I’ve seen a few too many Versace gowns like this before. But it’s a great gown on her, the purse is cute, and the earrings are terrific.
NIKKI REED at the Oslo premiere
gown by Naeem Khan
This was my Resort 2013 red carpet prediction for Jennifer Lawrence, who I think is a little more suited to this effortless California-chic vibe than Nikki. The gold clutch with the blue and white dress was a terrible idea – you can’t not sense a nautical theme when you mix those three colors together – but I still think it’s an interesting gown.
DAKOTA FANNING at the Los Angeles premiere
gown by Elie Saab, purse by Salvatore Ferragamo
Dakota debuted her brunette locks at the LA premiere, which would have been wonderful if she didn’t also appear to be debuting a makeup line for clowns who moonlight as prostitutes. Truly awful makeup aside, this is an Elie Saab gown that lives up to the label’s reputation. It’s beautiful, and the dark turquoise color (I call it “darquoise,” because portmanteaus are fun) is a dream come true.
DAKOTA FANNING at the New York City screening
gown and purse by Valentino, shoes by Jimmy Choo
I love this. The hair, the dress – she looks elegant yet age-appropriate, beautiful and stylish. I’d probably have picked a smaller clutch in a metallic or a color, though.
ELLE FANNING at the Los Angeles premiere
dress and shoes by Prada
I’ll preface this by saying that I think flatforms are the most hideous trend to happen to footwear in about a millennium. But GO ON AND GET IT, little Fanning! What a way for a 14-year-old to show up to her 18-year-old sister’s movie premiere – the colors are so subtle, as if to say “I know this isn’t MY party,” but she still made sure everyone was still talking about her outfit when they left. I usually don’t like these almost-matching-your-skin-tone dresses, but that icy baby pink color is a dream on her, and she doesn’t have much longer before she’ll be too old to wear it. Her hair and makeup have never looked better, and the funky silhouette of the dress is a great contrast to the girliness of all that pink. And bitches, you are only a fourteen-year-old starlet once – so wear those hideous, ridiculous, but ultimately incredible-to-look-at flatforms while you can, Elle!