Happy December, dear readers! I’m craving a bit of judgmental bitchery after our Thanksgiving break, so let’s dive in. 

MARION COTILLARD at the Marrakech Film Festival
gown by Christian Dior

Last summer, I predicted that Anne Hathaway would wear this gown, but I’m thrilled to see it on Marion Cotillard, unofficial queen of all things Dior. The fit is flawless, the look is dramatic, the hair is adorable. And the silhouette is insanely flattering – I love the cinched waist, and it’s not even fair how classy and elegant Marion makes that peek of sideboob look. It must be a French thing – us American girls have trouble making sideboob look anything but tacky.

MARION COTILLARD at the Marrakech Film Festival
dress and shoes by Christian Dior

Stop it. YOU ARE TOO ADORABLE, MARION. The Marrakech Film Festival might actually implode from all this cuteness. The multicolored stripes on that perfectly-fit dress have a sort of silly-but-modern vibe to them that I freaking adore. The shoes are flawless, and the casual side pony keeps the look casual and effortlessly chic.

PATRICIA CLARKSON at the Marrakech Film Festival
gown and purse by Christian Dior

And the fabulous Dior looks just keep on coming. I can’t even believe Patricia Clarkson is over fifty. She wears this gown like a goddamn queen. A twenty-something starlet might look like she’s playing dress-up in a dress like this, but Patricia brings her own brand of elegance to it.

PATRICIA CLARKSON at the Marrakech Film Festival
gown by Christian Dior

Is she secretly a vampire? How could a woman over fifty even have such baby-smooth skin? What white woman looks this good in this shade of yellow? Why are her tits perkier than mine when she’s twice my age? WHAT IS YOUR SECRET, YOU EVIL FOUNTAIN-OF-YOUTH-HIDING WITCH?!

MICHELLE DOCKERY in London
gown and purse by Stella McCartney

This particular gown gets worn quite a lot, in every color of the rainbow, but unlike most of Stella McCartney’s creations, I actually understand why celebs love it. Mega-flattering, sexy yet classy, and a great mix of old Hollywood glam and modern fierceness. Also, that hair is so shiny, the glare off of it might actually blind me.

TAYLOR SWIFT in London
gown by Reem Acra

Damn. I know I’m the first to joke about how Taylor won’t stop dressing like a Disney princess, but sometimes, that aesthetic absolutely works. She’s at a winter ball, so there’s basically no better place to don your princessiest white gown. And the hair? Beyond gorgeous. Unfortunately, Taylor didn’t fare as well when she stepped outside her comfort zone:

TAYLOR SWIFT at the American Music Awards
dress by Julien Macdonald, shoes by Jimmy Choo

I really do want to encourage Taylor Swift to take more fashion risks, but I just can’t support this particular choice. This silhouette looks absolutely ridiculous on her, and if it doesn’t work on a 5’10” woman who weights about as much as a grape, it isn’t going to work on anyone. Seriously, that cut-out is a fucking disaster, and the placement of the belt combined with the length of that skirt just make for some very awkward proportions.

NICOLE RICHIE at the American Music Awards
gown by Emilio Pucci, purse by House of Harlow

Sexy gown, gorgeous necklace, but the hairy purse has got to go.

ZHANG ZIYI in Taipei, Taiwan
gown by Chanel

It’s undeniably beautiful – the jewelry in particular is unstoppable – but I think the fit leaves something to be desired. This gown has a slightly bulbous shape to it that I find very unfortunate, even if it’s pretty much impossible to make this Chinese superstar look bad.

MILEY CYRUS at the American Music Awards
suit by Versus Versace, shoes by Saint Laurent

I like the idea more than the execution – I love Miley in pants, and particularly in a sexy white suit, but I think the fit is a serious problem. The jacket is just too big – those shoulderpads look like they come about a mile further up and out than her actual body – and the length of those pants doesn’t make any sense to me. Plus, she could have turned up the volume about a thousand percent by choosing literally any shoe other than those plain black pumps. From Miley, at the AMAs – I expect a little more drama than this.

ZOE SALDANA at the American Music Awards
gown by Roland Mouret, shoes by Jimmy Choo

I really wanted to like this, because it’s unusual and doesn’t look like everything else I’ve seen on the red carpet, but I can’t quite get there. It’s just too weird. It’s like this dress can’t decide if it’s lingerie or not, and the slightly stiff, satin fabric on the side just looks awkward as hell.

ZOE SALDANA in Los Angeles
top and skirt by Calvin Klein, shoes by Christian Louboutin

Almost unacceptably dull, but she saved it with the snakeskin-textured shoes.

GWYNETH PALTROW in London
gown by Matthew Williamson

She’s more bedazzled and bedecked with ornaments than the Christmas tree behind her, and the dress seems uncomfortably tight, but it’s an interesting look all the same. But I swear to you, this woman’s had the same haircut for what feels like six thousand years. It’s like she really thinks we won’t notice that she’s any older than she was in 1998 if she wears her hair the same way she did back then. Sorry to disappoint you, Gwyn, but it’s not quite working.

NAOMIE HARRIS in New York City
dress by Burberry Prorsum, shoes by Daniele Michetti

Obsessed with the dress, but I think the brown accessories were a pretty obvious mistake. Those shoes would be killer with a street style look, but they’re too earthy for such a light, breezy dress, and the colors just look all wrong together.

KATY PERRY at the American Music Awards
gown by Oscar de la Renta, purse by Olympia Le-Tan

The sex hair and old Hollywood makeup are divine, but this ill-fitting, slightly dated dress isn’t doing Katy any favors. I don’t exactly long for the days of her purple hair, but I’d like to see her doing something a little bit more interesting with her style.

SAMANTHA BARKS in London
coat, dress, and shoes by Tory Burch, purse by Aspinal of London

That coat is too adorable. I don’t love the idea of pairing it with so many other Tory Burch pieces, because that’s a bit overwhelmingly preppy for me, but it’s still a fabulous piece.

OLIVIA PALERMO in New York City
coat and skirt by Burberry Prorsum

How many fucking times do we have to have the same exact conversation, Olivia? You get a ridiculously attention-grabbing collar OR a statement necklace. YOU DO NOT GET BOTH. WEARING BOTH MAKES NO SENSE. STOP MAKING YOUR ACCESSORIES FIGHT FOR ATTENTION.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER in New York City
jacket by Sonia Rykiel, dress by Rochas, shoes by Sophia Webster

How is it possible that this woman has been in Hollywood for thirty years and still dresses like a confused, fussy old woman?

ZOSIA MAMET in New York City
gown by Maiyet

I can’t wait for Girls to come back, just so I can replace all my awful memories of Zosia Mamet’s red carpet looks with amazing memories of Shosh being hilarious. But seriously, if you have a disposable income, please use it towards getting Ms. Mamet a new stylist. Because these shenanigans just cannot continue.

LADY GAGA at the American Music Awards
gown by Versace

We already have one Donatella Versace. Actually, including Janice from The Muppets, we already have two. We absolutely do not need a third. I really thought Gaga for Versace would be an amazing campaign, but for some inexplicable reason, everyone is just using it as an excuse to dress Gaga up in Donatella drag, and it’s pretty much the worst thing in the universe.

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© Democracy Diva, 2013.
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