MAN CANDY: THE RED CARPET TOUR. Now featuring bonus ab gifs.
CHANNING TATUM at the London premiere
suit by Christian Dior, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Channing Tatum: World’s Sexiest Investment Banker. Seriously, though, I have no complaints about this outfit, except the fact that it could have been better accessorized with a move like this:
CHANNING TATUM at the Hollywood premiere
suit by Tom Ford
Channing and his stylist be like:
ELIZABETH BANKS at the Hollywood premiere
dress by Balmain, purse by Lee Savage, shoes by Pedro Garcia
Oh, right! There’s ladiez in this movie! Elizabeth Banks is one of my all-time red-carpet faves, so of course she slayed in this ensemble. A hint of sideboob, because hello, it’s Magic Mike, but the styling is demure, to keep the attention on the fellas. Girlfriend does her job and does it well.
JOE MANGANIELLO at the London premiere
suit and shoes by John Varvatos
Is there a better character in film history than Big Dick Richie? I think not. Here’s Joe, in a lovely three-piece suit that he has no business wearing when he should clearly just do all his red carpet appearances in cut-up Metallic tanks. I mean, would that we all were this Pepsi fridge:
JOE MANGANIELLO at the Hollywood premiere
suit by Ermenegildo Zegna
I’m really enjoying the fact that Poster Channing seems to be leaping off of Joe’s deliciously broad shoulders. But I feel Joe is under-reacting to the close presence of shirtless Channing. Any normal reaction to such a phenomenon would look more like this:
AMBER HEARD at the London premiere
gown by Emilio Pucci
A red carpet career high for Amber Heard. I specify “red carpet,” because her overall career high was definitely that time when Channing dry-humped her face:
AMBER HEARD at the London screening
dress and skirt by Tome
She’s wearing a skirt over a dress and I approve. I’m also enjoying her faraway stare, in which she is clearly reminiscing about moments such as this:
AMBER HEARD at the Hollywood premiere
dress by Monique Lhuillier
We should all go out and buy this exact dress, because I’m pretty sure it’s universally flattering. Also, I’m running out of Magic Mike XXL gifs that actually feature Amber Heard. Because Tumblr has its priorities in order. And those priorities are nearly-naked dudes humping stuff.
AMBER HEARD at the Amsterdam premiere
dress by Cushnie et Ochs, shoes by Christian Louboutin
This outfit is not at all deserving of the almighty woman who got to make this magical moment happen:
MATT BOMER at the London premiere
suit by Giorgio Armani
It shouldn’t even be physically possible to see how blue his eyes are from this distance. But Matt Bomer has the eyes of a Game of Thrones White Walker, and the body of a Greek god. One of the really gay ones.
MATT BOMER at the Hollywood premiere
suit by Giorgio Armani
I’ve stopped even pretending to comment on these suits, haven’t I?
JADA PINKETT-SMITH at the Amsterdam premiere
gown by Versace
Jada is ageless, stylish, gorgeous, and a pretty damn good emcee replacement for Matthew McConaughey, though I did miss his assless chaps. I’m sure she did too.
JADA PINKETT-SMITH at the London premiere
dress by Balmain, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
Aight, now I’m REALLY out of gifs that feature ladies, so, like, just have another one of these:
JADA PINKETT-SMITH at the Hollywood premiere
dress by Ermanno Scervino, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Fuck the clothes. Here’s Channing Tatum, bringing sexy back to the art of welding:
ADAM RODRIGUEZ at the Hollywood premiere
suit by Giorgio Armani
Tito gifs are extraordinarily hard to come by, because even in the second movie he doesn’t do much besides talk about fro-yo. But SHAME ON YOU, internet, for depriving me of close-up solo Adam Rodriguez gifs. Here, have a picture of him in a mesh tank top instead:
JENNA DEWAN-TATUM at the Amsterdam premiere
dress by Self-Portrait, shoes by Brian Atwood
Which Channing dance move do you think most sticks out in Jenna’s mind when she’s watching her him play with their baby? I hope it’s this one:
JENNA DEWAN-TATUM at the London premiere
jumpsuit by Zuhair Murad, purse by Brian Atwood, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Hate the fit just above the waist; love everything else about this. But mostly just thinking about the fact that Jenna gets to be married to this:
JENNA DEWAN-TATUM at the Hollywood premiere
dress by Reem Acra, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Those, apparently, are not cuffs. They are “illusion sleeves.” No, I cannot tell you why this is a thing. Yes, I will cleanse your palate with more jacked dudes.
SOFIA VERGARA at the Hollywood premiere
purse by Jimmy Choo, shoes by Christian Louboutin
GODDAMMIT, SOFIA. No one wearing beige platforms with an ivory dress should have the luxury of coming home to this: