Front Row at Couture Fashion Week, Part 1

Paris is positively oozing with glamour. Now that you are sufficiently grossed out, let us begin!

KIERNAN SHIPKA at the Miu Miu fragrance launch

Photo: Getty

Sally Draper, dressed like Megan Draper, with hair like Betty Draper? THIS IS THE ONLY THING I WILL EVER NEED IN MY LIFE. THIS IS PERFECTION.

LUPITA NYONG’O at the Lancôme party
gown by Prada


Honey can SASHAY. Look at that popped hip! Too fabulous. Approaching drag queen levels of fabulousness.

LUPITA NYONG’O at the Maison Margiela show
dress by Maison Margiela

Photo: Pierre Suu/Getty

This is a little weak coming from Lupita, who I always expect to be head-to-toe tailored to perfection (since she so often is). On one of those basic bitch starlets, I’d probably applaud it, but isn’t the glory that is Ms. Nyong’o worthy of a better outfit than this one?

NAOMI CAMPBELL at the Atelier Versace show
suit by Versace

Photo: Pierre Suu/Getty

GLAM AS FUCK. But I still live in permanent fear that Naomi is about to throw a phone at my head. Even through a computer screen.

JESSICA ALBA at the Floral Obsession Ball
gown by Giambattista Valli

Photo: Jacopo Raule/WireImage

Jessica Alba grates on my nerves, because she shows up to approximately a hundred red carpet events a year, but hasn’t had a remotely memorable acting role in a decade. It’s not that I object to her right to play dress-up at least twice a week. I just truly don’t understand why she’s still famous. That being said… if she hits the carpet in more outfits like this, I may shut my overly large mouth about her. At least for a little while.

JESSICA ALBA at the Giambattista Valli show
dress by Giambattista Valli, boots by Stuart Weitzman

Photo: Dominique Charriau/WireImage

Cute! Black suede over-the-knee boots in the middle of the summer is batshit levels of insanity, but this dress is extremely adorable.

JESSICA ALBA at the Tory Burch store opening
gown and shoes by Tory Burch

Photo: Pascal Le Segretain/Getty

Oh, honey, no. To be honest, I’ve always hated Tory Burch (sorry, preppy girls – I don’t dispute your right to like it!). I always thought Tory Burch accessories would have been ten times more stylish without her hideous logo stamped on them, and I could count a three-fingered hand the number of Tory Burch red carpet ensembles I’ve actually liked. But even if I try to put aside my personal distaste for this designer… this is a fucking mess.

DIANNA AGRON at the Tory Burch store opening
gown and shoes by Tory Burch, purse by Rodo

Photo: Pascal Le Segretain/Getty

Not the worst Tory Burch ensemble I’ve ever seen, but it’s very Christmassy for July.

DIANNA AGRON at the Miu Miu fragrance launch

Photo: Dominique Charriau/Getty

The hair and makeup are too basic for such a fun and funky dress. Also, the sleeves would look much more glam if they fit her just a bit better.

CHRISSY TEIGEN at the Vogue Paris Foundation Gala
gown by Giorgio Armani

Photo: Jean Catuffe/Getty

I find Chrissy Teigen excruciatingly awkward and tacky on the red carpet, but I actually almost like this! That might sound like dubious praise at best, but for Chrissy, it’s basically a fucking miracle.

OLIVIA PALERMO at the Floral Obsession Ball
skirt by Christian Dior, shoes by Francesco Russo

Photo: Jacopo Raule/WireImage

I dig the skirt, but the rest of this is just the fashion equivalent of a clickbaity headline full of buzzwords. All the pieces are supposed to make you give a shit, but together… it’s kind of stupid.

OLIVIA PALERMO at the Schiaparelli show
dress, scarf, and shoes by Christian Dior

Photo: Bertrand Rindoff Petroff/Getty

This dress is straight-up hideous. Olivia is actually doing a decent job of selling it, but there’s no saving a potato sack like this. Also, stick-straight center-parted hair is, like, so 2003.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS at the Louis Vuitton Galerie opening
dress by Louis Vuitton

Photo: David Atlan

This walks that very fine line between “I woke up like this” and “no, seriously, I actually woke up like this.”

LILY COLLINS at the Lancôme party
gown by Mikael D, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti

Photo: Nicolas Briquet/Abaca/Startraks

Dear platform pumps: STOP IT. I have no problem with your existence out in the real world, but I have seen twenty lifetimes’ worth of you on the red carpet, and I cannot take it anymore.

NATASHA POLY at the Atelier Versace show
top, skirt, and shoes by Atelier Versace

Photo: Getty

It ain’t fashion week until you see a model’s upper belly area.

IRINA SHAYK at the Atelier Versace show
dress, jewelry, and shoes by Versace

Photo: Getty

She looks like the best dressed girl in a European nightclub, but that doesn’t make for a great red carpet appearance. She just looks… not famous. And I don’t think there’s a bigger sin than that, at least during Paris Couture Fashion Week.

AMBER HEARD at the Miu Miu fragrance launch
dress by Prada

Photo: Pascal Le Segretain/Getty

I’d have either gone for the sex hair or the wrinkled nightie dress. Doing both together is basically wearing a giant sign around your neck that says ASK ME ABOUT HOW RECENTLY I HAD AWESOME SEX. (HINT: IT WAS VERY RECENTLY. LIKE, LIMO-RIDE-EN-ROUTE-TO-THIS-EVENT RECENTLY.)

ELIZABETH OLSEN at the Miu Miu fragrance launch

Photo: Dominique Charriau/Getty

Grown-ass women should stop wearing bibs.

NAOMI WATTS at the Armani Privé show
dress by Giorgio Armani

Photo: Bertrand Rindoff Petroff/Getty

This probably doesn’t seem like much of a crime against fashion at first glance. But Naomi Watts has worn literally dozens of little Armani lace dresses that look almost identical to this one. Combine that with her third-grade ballerina pose, the world’s least interesting shoes, and that Girl, Interrupted hair, and we’ve got a fashion disaster on our hands.

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY at the Vogue Paris Foundation Gala
blouse and skirt by Versus

Photo: Rex

This is kind of dumb, but not the worst thing I’ve ever seen. The real reason Rosie snagged the bottom-of-the-barrel spot in this post was her next attempt at Versace:

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY at the Atelier Versace show
gown by Atelier Versace

Photo: Getty

I like to call this particular aesthetic “mauled by a bear couture.”

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