Happy St. Patrick’s Day! I promise this post is really easy to read while you’re blackout drunk.
LAVERNE COX vs. SIENNA MILLER
Laverne: OH HAIIIIII
Sienna: Well, aren’t we chipper?
Laverne: Whaaat, nooo. You are!
Sienna: Seriously, girl, what’s your deal?
Laverne: IDK. I def did NOT have six Irish car bombs on the way to this event, so it’s surely not that.
Sienna: Pull yourself together, girl. We’re all wasted (I mean, you only need to look at my hair to know that) but –
Laverne: Hahaha. With those increasingly hideous hairdos – this one actually looks like it’s trying to run away from your forehead – you’re trying to tell ME to pull it together?
Sienna: It is NOT running away from my forehead. The higher the hair, the closer to God!
Laverne: No, darling. The longer the train, the closer to royalty.
Sienna: I liked you better when you were too drunk to function.
EMILY BLUNT vs. NICOLE KIDMAN
Emily: So, how is your St. Patrick’s Day going, Nicole?
Nicole: I’m sorry, what’s that? I don’t think we have that where I come from.
Emily: Really? I’m pretty positive that they have St. Patrick’s Day in Australia.
Nicole: Oh. Right. Australia. Yes. That’s where I’m from.
Nicole: Nothing at all! I was just saying, yes, of course, I’m definitely from Australia…
Emily: Well, yeah. Pretty much everyone knows that.
Nicole: Right! So we’re all clear on that. I’m from Australia. *under her breath* And definitely not a yet-to-be-discovered planet with a frozen tundra climate that made me the ice queen you see today.
Emily: Did you say something?
Nicole: What? No. Never mind.
BLAKE LIVELY vs. FAN BINGBING
Blake: This sucks.
Fan: What? No! This is fun.
Blake: No, all of this is stupid bullshit.
Fan: It is NOT. March Fabness is magical and wonderful!
Blake: Nope. There are SO many places I’d rather be than here.
Fan: Really? Like where?
Blake: Well, I’d certainly rather be naked in my living room.
Fan: Seriously? Why?
Blake: Um, I’m married to RYAN REYNOLDS. It’s actually astonishing that I’m ever wearing clothes.
Fan: Well, I can’t argue with that.
ALICIA VIKANDER vs. EMMA ROBERTS
Alicia: Hi, Emma! Lovely to see you.
Emma: Hi! Um… who are you?
Alicia: How dare you! Who are YOU?
Emma: … You know who I am. You just said my name like literally one minute ago.
Alicia: I took a shot in the dark. You’re all named Emma around here. Which one are you again? Not the Harry Potter girl.
Emma: Are you serious?
Alicia: Are you the Spiderman one? You look different than I remember.
Emma: I’m not the Harry Potter Emma OR the Spiderman Emma.
Alicia: Oh. How sad for you. Anyway, I have to go pick my Oscar, so, bye-ee.
Emma: I hate you.