Welcome back, bitches.
Best Dressed: EMMA STONE
gown by Valentino
Living out all our sparkle princess fantasies. Chic, elegant, and just enough La La Land cosplay to justify that movie winning like four hundred awards. Honestly, that necklace is so good, she could be wearing it with a bedsheet and I’d probably still be drooling.
Runner-Up: ISSA RAE
gown by Christian Siriano
You need to turn up the brightness on your screen to see the real beauty of this dress, which is the texture. Truly delicious. And the modern, glam styling help achieve the nearly-impossible: a long white gown that doesn’t look remotely bridal. Well done.
Honorable Mention: MAISIE WILLIAMS
Want to feel old? THIS IS ARYA STARK, YOU GUYS. Lil’ Maisie Williams is nineteen and has graduated from girly dresses and car purses to FULL GLAMOUR ELEGANZA. Are you fucking kidding me with this gown, girl? That boat neckline? The little plunges underneath her arms? The black-and-silver accessories? She is magnificent, and I’m so proud it’s almost condescending.
gown by Rodarte, jewelry by Forevermark
She’s crying out for a necklace, but the vibrant red against her porcelain skin is damn gorgeous. Hair and lipstick game are on point.
gown by Armani Privé, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Naomie Harris has the greatest ratio of fucking amazing red carpet looks to people who actually know her name. She’s one of those actresses I pray is in every movie, despite the fact that I don’t think I’ve ever seen a film of hers, just for the press tour looks. I would have added an extremely delicate bracelet or necklace, but the texture and embellishment of the gown require little in the way of jewels. She makes looking good look so fucking easy.
gown by Christian Siriano
The fit isn’t great, but I like that it doesn’t look like what everyone else is wearing. And she’s a showstopper in that shade of pink.
tuxedo by Gucci
Yum. Love the shoes.
DAX SHEPARD and KRISTEN BELL
Kristen’s gown by Jenny Packham, jewelry by Harry Winston, purse by Jimmy Choo
Smile, guys! The kids have babysitters! Go get drunk! Maybe Kristen is starting to realize a little too late that evil Disney queen glam isn’t really her ideal aesthetic, but she’s still mostly pulling it off.
gown by Erdem
The droopy sleeves give me anxiety, but I love a bitch who hits the down in full Barbie drag.
tuxedo by Ralph Lauren
I just want to lick my thumb and rub that mustache off his face.
Gorgeous color; completely ridiculous booby-picker-uppers. There’s no way to wear that strap with those cups and NOT have it appear that your dress is trying to make a run for it with your left tit.
TRACEE ELLIS ROSS
gown by Zuhair Murad
This is not my favorite, but I find it impossible to criticize Tracee Ellis Ross. Because Tracee Ellis Ross CAME OUT OF DIANA ROSS’S VAGINA. But also: maybe only wear like seven rings instead of forty?
gown by Louis Vuitton
I remember a time, not so many years ago, where I drooled over everything Michelle Williams wore. But my only reaction to that choker is an over-exaggerated eyeroll.
gown by Naeem Khan, purse by Jimmy Choo
Capes are over, Mandy. Now you have to live in this brave new world.
CHRISSY TEIGEN and JOHN LEGEND
Chrissy’s gown by Marchesa, jewelry by Lorraine Schwartz
John’s tuxedo by Gucci
A peplum AND a mermaid cut! Chrissy is proud to bring you all of 2012’s most ubiquitous fashion trends! (These two can honestly do no wrong in my book, but this dress is tired.)
gown by Vera Wang, jewelry by Forevermark
I could get behind this if she nixed the shoes, the shoulder cut-outs, and whatever is happening on her breasts, but once you make all those fixes, she’s just wearing an entirely different outfit.
gown by Monique Lhuillier, jewelry by Harry Winston
Bless your heart, Drew Barrymore. Making us all believe that we, too, can spread our wings and fly.
gown by Gucci
Alright, everyone needs to stop wearing clothes that have other clothes drawn on them. This is the femme equivalent of a tuxedo tee shirt. Everything about this makes me mad.
gown by Viktor & Rolf
Winona stopped giving a fuck what we think about her decades ago, so I feel like any criticism here is largely useless.
jewelry by Forevermark
Listen, it’s not the worst thing that’s ever happened to Sansa, but it’s certainly up there.
Worst Dressed: KEITH URBAN and NICOLE KIDMAN
Nicole’s gown by Alexander McQueen
If you squint, you too can see your grandmothers’ saggy arm skin on Nicole’s dress. I hope it brings you as much joy and comfort as it brought me.
3 responses to 2017 Golden Globes, Part 1
I can’t look at Felicity Jone’s dress without flinching. She looks like an old timey ghost who wanted to fancy up but only had a magic marker? Is that too specific?
That is just specific enough to be amazing.
Emma stone: immaculate hair styling, make-up, and accessories. Fit of the dress is also perfect and the color/sparkle is dreamy – My problem is I just can’t get behind the STARS. Too literal and it reads juvenile – like, maybe I could have pulled a knee-length version from Nordstrom Girls.
Brie Larson’s waist is CINCHED, hunny.
Waiting in 3L hell for part deux, Diva.