Before we begin the judging, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty.
The Met Gala is a magical unicorn of an event, and the true bitchery cannot begin until we’re all clear on the rules. If you’re a Met Gala n00b, or just can’t figure out what the fuck the theme was, here’s what the extensive amounts of judgment will be based upon:
DEMOCRACY DIVA’S MET GALA RULES & REGULATIONS
1. THIS IS A COSTUME PARTY
- Literally. It’s a gala to benefit the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute.
- Much like the costume parties we mere mortals throw, anyone who gives half a fuck about the event should be wearing something they’d never consider wearing anyplace else. You know. LIKE A COSTUME.
- Example: Last year‘s theme was “Manus x Machina: Fashion in an Age of Technology.” Claire Danes wore a dress made of mother-fucking fiber optics. That’s how you win the game.
2. YOUR OUTFIT IS WEDDED TO YOUR “DATE”
- Fashion designers buy tables at the Met Gala, and celebrities attend as their dates, wearing the fashions of the designer who brought them. (This is not a Democracy Diva rule, just a fact of the event.)
- Sorry, less-famous attendees who don’t have their pick of the all-time-greatest designers, but somebody‘s got to wear H&M.
- This often means I judge A-listers much more harshly than no-name actresses. A-listers can access the kind of couture that nobody’s giving to the third female supporting lead on the fourth-most-successful show on HBO.
3. OBEY THE THEME
- This year’s theme was Rei Kawakubo, beloved avant-garde designer from the label Comme des Garçons.
- Designer-specific themes are tricky, because most attendees are relying on the designers who brought them to have looks influenced by the theme. So if you’re stuck at Michael Kors’s table, you’re wedded to the most wearable designer on earth’s interpretation of unwearable fashion. Sucks to be you.
- This year’s designer-specific theme was even trickier than usual: as you can see, the whole point of Comme des Garçons is to fuck with the concept of red-carpet-friendly fashion. This shit is not for the faint of heart, nor the faint of wardrobe.
What should have resulted from this theme was a non-stop shit-show of crazy silhouettes, insane proportions, unique combinations of textures, and all-around out-of-the-box fuckery. What we got instead… well, tune in tomorrow and we’ll begin the bitter judgment. Let the games begin.