Met Gala 2017: This is not the goddamn Oscars.

Our Met Gala coverage kicks off with the celebrities who did too much blow and thought they were at the Oscars!
Are you caught up on the rules? Good.

LUPITA NYONG’O
gown by Prada, jewelry by Tiffany & Co.

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Photo: Theo Wargo/Getty

The color: EVERYTHING. The texture: FLAWLESS. The silhouette: SLAYING. The venue: COMPLETELY FUCKING WRONG.

DIANE KRUGER
gown by Prada, jewelry by Bulgari

Photo: Neilson Barnard/Getty

Et tu, Diane? You couldn’t have saved this beauty for a more normal red carpet event? The back view does play a bit with proportion, but not in a dramatic enough way to actually score any theme points:

Photo: Neilson Barnard/Getty

Oscars dress in the front, bathrobe in the rear.

KATE BOSWORTH
gown by Tory Burch, jewelry by Cartier

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Photo: George Pimentel/WireImage

almost stuck this in the Best Dressed/People Who Actually Followed the Goddamn Theme post. But I decided Kate Bosworth could have gotten away with wearing an upside-down triangle made of pubes, and instead went for what is essentially a basic gown with some upgraded detailing. She’s too Fashion to half-ass a theme.

BLAKE LIVELY
gown by Versace

Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty

For one of only a handful of times in recent history, I actually think Blake Lively is wearing something elegant, interesting, and well-styled. Too bad she couldn’t wear it TO THE FUCKING OSCARS.

ELLE FANNING
gown by Miu Miu, jewelry by Fred Leighton

Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty

Fuck you, Elle. I KNOW you have a weirdo-fashion side – I’ve seen you in those hideous Miu Miu flatforms – and you give me pure and innocent Disney princess? Here? NOW? How dare you. Also this is truly exquisitely lovely. Also also, fuck you.

MIRANDA KERR
gown by Oscar de la Renta, shoes by Christian Louboutin

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Photo: Neilson Barnard/Getty

That lipstick is all wrong for this dress.

ALLISON WILLIAMS
gown by Diane von Furstenberg, jewelry by Cartier

Photo: Neilson Barnard/Getty

Definitely one of her all-time chicest looks, but the makeup ages her a decade.

JESSICA CHASTAIN
gown by Prada, jewelry by Piaget

Photo: Neilson Barnard/Getty

I’m actually legitimately pissed she didn’t save this one for Cannes. This shit has film festival written all over it.

MINDY KALING
gown by Prabal Gurung

Photo: Neilson Barnard/Getty

Needs a necklace.

CLAIRE FOY
gown by Erdem, jewelry by Fred Leighton

Photo: Rob Latour/Rex/Shutterstock

I’m all for interesting colors and weird fabrics, but this doesn’t push it hard enough and also just looks like two of my grandmother’s couches stapled together. Weirdly enough, that actually SHOULD work for this theme, but somehow it still falls short.

BRIE LARSON
gown by Chanel, shoes by Christian Louboutin

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Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty

Would have scored her Honorable Mention in my SAG Awards post for sure.

JENNIFER LOPEZ and ALEX RODRIGUEZ
gown and tuxedo by Valentino, jewelry by Harry Winston, purse by Judith Leiber

Photo: Neilson Barnard/Getty

The best thing about being J.Lo is that wherever you go, the theme is always J.Lo. Let’s get the back view, just for fun:

Photo: John Shearer/Getty

Can’t she wear this to the major awards shows, instead of something embellished and skintight and Zuhair Murad-esque? This easygoing flowiness is a nice surprise on her.

HANNAH BAGSHAWE and EDDIE REDMAYNE
gown and suit by Prada

Photo: Neilson Barnard/Getty

I’m disappointed in you, Eddie. We both know you can bring it harder than this.

RUBY ROSE
gown by Burberry

Photo: John Shearer/Getty

Seems like an odd combo of dress and person, no?

MICHELLE MONAGHAN
gown by Paco Rabanne, jewelry by Cartier, purse by Lee Savage

Photo: Dia Dipasupil/Getty

Slick center-parted hair makes me roll my eyes. I know it’s unfair, but it always reminds me of Gwyneth Paltrow, and Gwyneth Paltrow makes me roll my eyes.

SOFIA COPPOLA
gown by Marc Jacobs

Photo: George Pimentel/WireImage

A purse in the same fabric as your gown? Sofia. Gurl. You are not a bridesmaid. Stop it.

DEEPIKA PADUKONE
gown by Tommy Hilfiger, jewelry by Fred Leighton, shoes by Christian Louboutin

Photo: John Shearer/Getty

Ill-fitting, oddly bridal, and black sandals were the wrong choice.


© Democracy Diva, 2017.
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