Welcome back, dear readers.

CATHERINE, DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE at the London premiere of War Horse // gown by Alice by Temperley

Our darling Duchess – who turned thirty this week, by the way – is looking mighty fabulous and quite at home on the red carpet. She still favors simplicity, but this black lace gown is simply fabulous – and a tiny bit sexy, just enough for a princess. The sleeves are stunning, the waist is incredibly flattering, and she continues to defy all those pregnancy rumors with her unceasingly flat tummy. Girlfriend can clearly bring the glamour to the red carpet just as well – and maybe even better – than the Hollywood crowd.

LEA MICHELE in Los Angeles // gown by Peter Som, shoes by Casadei

This was my Spring 2012 red carpet prediction for Angelina Jolie, but I don’t love it on Lea. To start, I need to mention that Lea has a PROBLEM with hem lengths. All gowns are miles too long on her (because she’s petite) and all cocktail dresses are too short (because she thinks a day without baring her thighs is a day wasted). This is somehow BOTH AT THE SAME TIME. I’ve seen way higher and more vulgar slits than this, but the too-long hem makes the slit look disproportionately high. I don’t think this sort of boxy minimalism is really Lea’s aesthetic, and it certainly doesn’t work with her stripper shoes and black toe nails. The color is unusual, but that’s about it.

ZOE SALDANA in Los Angeles // dress by Jason Wu, purse by Kara Ross, shoes by Brian Atwood

This is my Pre-Fall 2012 red carpet prediction for Freida Pinto, but Zoe is working the SHIT out of this fabulous embellished LBD. I’d love a little more effort with the hair, but the dress is beautiful, the accessories are killer, and her lipstick is fab.

MICHELLE WILLIAMS at the Palm Springs Film Festival // dress and shoes by Prada

I don’t love the dress to begin with, but that sad wrinkled skirt ruins whatever potential this look had. The shoes are fabulous, but this dress is shapeless, unflattering, and overworked.

JAYMA MAYS in Los Angeles // dress and shoes by Burberry Prorsum, purse by Ruthie Davis

Poor Jayma. Were she on a normal red carpet that didn’t have that acid trip print for a backdrop, I think she’d look pretty great in this dress. But she’s got no shot of looking good in her green-and-yellow floral dress on a green and yellow background. I wish the dress had just one less design element, because it’s just slightly too busy, but the sleeves are lovely, the accessories work well, and the prints are lovely.

HARRY SHUM JR. in Los Angeles

I bet you didn’t know that a denim shirt could look fabulous. Way to prove us all wrong, Harry! You work that delicious blazer and your fabulous shoes!

KRISTEN BELL in New York City // blazer by Rachel Zoe

From one tiny girl to another – cropped pants are DIFFICULT on our silhouettes. The wrong shape makes our legs look comically short, and I think that’s a bit of what’s happening here. In spite of the strange proportions, though, I love this outfit. Black blazer, sparkly shirt, fabulous (if ill-fitting) pink pants, and black pointy pumps? Works for me, darlings.

NICOLE RICHIE in Pasadena, CA // blazer and leggings by Antonio Berardi, purse by House of Harlow, shoes by Christian Louboutin

I’m trying to like those leggings, but with her shoulder-padded, oversized man blazer, her tiny little bedazzled sticks for legs look cartoonish. I think the dirt-nude pumps are hideous, and I don’t think a yellow purse with gold, tan and mauve leggings is a particularly good idea.

ELISABETH MOSS in Beverly Hills // dress by Armani

I love you, Peggy darling, but you do not have the tits to fill out this dress. It’s fabulous, and you’re fabulous, but you know I’m right.

JESSICA CHASTAIN at the Palm Springs Film Festival // dress by Prabal Gurung, shoes by Jimmy Choo

Strange that we have another redhead looking less than fantastic in green, since that’s supposed to be a no-brainer. But I think the side part in her hair is unflattering, the makeup is severe, and the dress itself doesn’t work too well. The different panels don’t make much sense, and it all just feels very serious and uptight. Where’s the joy, the fun, the sex – any emotion at all, really, because this is borderline prissy.

CHARLIZE THERON at the Palm Springs Film Festival // dress by Lanvin

I think there are few things on this planet stupider than a cut-out masquerading as a slit. She looks like she’s busting a seam on her dress.

CHARLIZE THERON at the Palm Springs Film Festival // dress by Reed Krakoff, purse by Lanvin, shoes by Christian Louboutin

The color is a little off-putting, and the crooked, droopy drape of this dress is just miserable. I can’t imagine anyone wanting that over their tummy.

OLIVIA WILDE at the Palm Springs Film Festival // gown by Monique Lhuillier

Olivia, you’re capable of so much more than sex hair, cat eyeliner, and a black lace cut-out gown. This feels effortless, and not in the good way. Let’s check out the back:

Well, if you ever want to look as if you are farting lace, you know what dress to buy.

JULIE BOWEN // dress by Naeem Khan, shoes by Sergio Rossi

The hair is beyond awful, and I hate that sad little shoulder piece, but most of this dress is working for me. I just wish Mama Dunphy brought some more interesting accessories to the table.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL in Los Angeles

Jesus, ENOUGH with the black stockings and black pumps and prissy little girl dresses! Sometimes I worry that if I woke up in a world where Taylor Swift and Zooey Deschanel dressed their ages, I would immediately die of shock.

SHAILENE WOODLEY at the Palm Springs Film Festival // dress by Stella McCartney, shoes by Christian Louboutin

She’s got the legs to pull this look off, but the puffy sleeves on the dress are just killing me.

RASHIDA JONES in Pasadena, CA

She started off strong with a lovely floral blouse in an Erdem-looking print, but gave up after the waistline. The black skirt isn’t for the red carpet, it’s for the office. And those shoes? No. Certainly not with this outfit, and probably not ever.

ANGELINA JOLIE at the Palm Springs Film Festival // jumpsuit by Elie Saab

I laughed when I saw blogs calling this “lilac.” It’s the dingiest, saddest gray-beige on the planet, and pretending it’s some beautiful pastel is practically an insult to color. Like everything Ange wears, it’s halfway between a gown and a jumpsuit and it’s drooped enough so that two Angelinas could fit inside it. In other words, it’s exhausting. And from the back:

Hideous. That pathetic little string? Come on. Surely even Angelina Jolie can put in more effort than that.

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© Democracy Diva, 2012.
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