ANDREW GARFIELD in New York City // suit by Gucci
Those toothpicks he calls legs are just hilariously skinny, but I can’t pretend this suit isn’t virtually perfect on him. Too delicious for words.
EMMA STONE in Rome // dress by Jason Wu, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Cute, and I love the pockets, but as per usual, the details (hair, makeup, fit) are all a little off. Love the shoes beyond belief, though. This girl’s got quite the Loub collection, I’ll give her that much.
EMMA STONE in New York City // dress by Carven, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Blech. Leave those Peter Pan collars to your poorly dressed hipster colleagues (Alexa Chung, that one’s directed at you) and stick to what works for you. And ill-fitting sweater dresses and shiny nude pumps do not work for you, Emma.
ELIZABETH BANKS in New York City // dress by Jill Stuart, shoes by Barbara Bui
Our Lady of Matchy-Matchy Fierceness, the Honorable Ms. Elizabeth Banks, looked delicious as ever in her floral Jill Stuart number (even though the neckline and shoulders are a tad frumpy, she’s still making it work). Obsessed with the shoes, but she could have used a touch of color in her makeup – as it stands, her face looks a little naked compared to her colorful ensemble.
RIHANNA in London // suit by Acne, shoes by Simone Rocha
I mean, it’s a strawberry suit with a pink satin racing stripe and matching lapel, but if you can ignore that, it’s kind of great on her, isn’t it? Much better than her usual “here’s half a trash bag, let me cut it apart and wear it with hideous hair and everyone will talk about how ridiculously sexy I am!” thing.
ANNA DELLO RUSSO in Milan // top, pants, and purse by Prada
There are no English words to adequately describe the ridiculousness that is Anna Dello Russo, editor of Japanese Vogue and street style icon to the universe. But I am a little over the eyelet veils – of all the absurdities in this outfit, that’s the only one I don’t support.
KATY PERRY in New York City // dress by Temperley London, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Love the dress, but I swear to God, if these starlets don’t stop pairing every summer dress with a giant pair of round-toed black platform pumps, I’m going to start holding some style interventions. People throw free designer shoes at you on a daily basis, Katy – pick a more interesting pair next time.
KATY PERRY in Los Angeles // dress and shoes by Dolce & Gabbana, purse by Judith Leiber
This is embarrassing on a grown woman. Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus are too old to wear this outfit, Katy, which means your adult ass should be nowhere near it. Hand it over to the nearest tween starlet, on whom it would be perfection, and let’s pretend this little foray into childhood never happened.
LEA MICHELE in London // gown by Versace, shoes by Christian Louboutin
She’s got her signature vag-high slit, but she reeks of desperation a little less than usual. She’s rocking the same Loubs Emma Stone wore with her Jason Wu dress, and they’re beautiful on her, but she still looks much, much too short for this dress.
BLAKE LIVELY in New York City // dress by Marios Schwab, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
The bodice is gorgeous; the skirt is a three-hour Project Runway challenge. It’s embarrassing how shoddily made that looks. And the heels are too fussy and ridiculous with this dress, even if they’re fun enough on their own:
They’d be fabulous on Chloë Moretz with a fun little black dress. But with Blake’s outfit, they’re all kinds of wrong.
BLAKE LIVELY in New York City // suit by Michael Kors, shoes by Christian Louboutin
I don’t dislike the suit – I think Blake should revert to menswear-inspired styles more often – but those hideous shoes need to burn in a fire immediately, if not sooner. And those sad little cuffs on her sleeves are just killing me.
BLAKE LIVELY in New York City // dress by Marchesa, shoes by Christian Louboutin
Wow. Seriously, Blake? Stop being proud that you don’t have a stylist. There is nothing about that that makes you cool or interesting or fashionable. It’s not like, “Look how fashionable I am and I don’t even have a stylist!” It’s more like, “I know this is stating the obvious, because it’s completely evident by my hideous, ill-fitting outfit, but I don’t have a stylist!” Get one, Blake. Maybe he or she will convince you to wear things in your actual dress size instead of trying to squeeze into an Olsen twin’s dress. Also, the cape sleeves are hideous, that bracelet thing doesn’t make any sense, and those shoes are boring as can be. If you’re staging some sort of career comeback, at least have the courtesy to dress well for it.
PRINCESS BEATRICE in London // dress by Roksanda Ilincic, purse by Anya Hindmarch, shoes by Nicholas Kirkwood
Love the dress, Bea! Now switch out those truly awful, mismatched accessories for something a little more chic and modern, and we might have something worth discussing.
FLORENCE WELCH in London // gown by Julien Macdonald
I want so badly to like this, but even my unreasonable love of Florence can’t blind me to the blatant flaws in this look. First of all, I hereby declare sheer skirts over minidresses to be over, and will unleash my innermost rage on the next celebrity to don this awful trend. Second, all dresses involving illusion netting and arm embellishments meant for an ice dancer must be pre-cleared with the Democracy Diva before hitting the red carpet. Though it fits her beautifully and the plunging neckline is crazy dramatic and sexy, the rest of this is just too tacky.
RACHEL BILSON and HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN in Milan // Rachel’s dress and shoes by Versus, purse by Versace
Did anyone know Hayden Christensen still existed? I’d compliment his suit, but I’m not entirely sure it doesn’t close with belt buckles or something equally weird – seriously, can anyone see what those strange fasteners are? Rachel’s cute in her Versus ensemble – I’m all about those crazy-terrific shoes – but the dress is a little on the ordinary side and the hair is unforgivable.
MICHELLE DOCKERY in Milan // top and skirt by Burberry Prorsum
Hipster Lady Mary took in a Milan fashion show in a strange little Burberry ensemble. Great in theory, but the loose tee tucked into the velvet skirt isn’t a good look for her, and the proportions of the long skirt and ankle boots make her calves look ridiculously stumpy. It’s a shame, because each individual piece of this look is kind of gorgeous, but the combination is more than a little bit sloppy.
MILEY CYRUS in Los Angeles // dress by Zimmerman, shoes by Christian Louboutin
This hair color is beyond terrible on her, but she’s doing her “LET ME BE A TEENAGER, DAMMIT!” thing whether we like it or not. Try and tell a 19-year-old not to go blonde and wear a slutty black dress – it just won’t work. At least it’s a chic, flattering look, even if it’s decades too old for our lil’ Miley.
MISCHA BARTON in London // gown by Luisa Beccaria, purse by Bally, shoes by Christian Louboutin
If we’re grading in comparison to past red carpet history, Mischa Barton gets full scores, because she hasn’t looked this healthy and normal since her days on The O.C. But let’s not get carried away – this is still a hideously unflattering dress in a terrible color, paired with a mismatched shoulder-strap purse and virtually no other styling. Compared to any normal human being, this is a pretty terrible look.
SELENA GOMEZ in Los Angeles // dress by Emilio Pucci, shoes by Jimmy Choo
Oh my God. This is horrible. This looks like the cheapest, tackiest, sluttiest Katniss Everdeen “Girl on Fire” costume known to mankind, her hair extensions have never looked worse, those sandals are beyond stripper-tastic, and whoever did her makeup should spend eternity in hell for committing such crimes against a pretty face like hers.
AZEALIA BANKS in London // dress by Moschino Cheap & Chic
For a moment, let’s ignore the world’s stupidest-looking dress (I’m sorry, but where in the fashion guidelines does it encourage women to dress like gay disco-dancing ostriches?), because there’s something more important to discuss: SHE’S WEARING JELLY SANDALS. ON THE RED CARPET.
The conspiracy theorists are right, dear readers. The apocalypse has begun.