VH1 held an event they dared to call “Divas.” Most of the attendees had no diva credentials and dressed nowhere near divaliciously. And worst of all, dear readers? They didn’t invite me.

ELLIE KEMPER

I searched and searched and the internet refuses to tell me who Ellie Kemper is wearing. If I had to guess, I’d say the print and body-consciousness make it look like L’Wren Scott. Whatever it is, can I just say GO ON AND GET IT, GIRL?! Because although I’m not sure what the chick from The Office is doing at the VH1 Divas event, girlfriend brought it in her own good-girl-diva way. It’s too long, but her body looks incredible and the dress is dramatic yet sweet.

BRANDY
dress and shoes by Esteban Cortazar

Brandy’s one of the only people who showed up to this so-called Divas event who I might actually consider a diva (if it were still the 90s, that is). But her one-shouldered, cut-out, crazy-skirted dress is all kinds of spectacular and perfect for the event. The mega-glam shoes pack a punch, and she kept the rest of the styling simple and classic so as not to distract from the dress and shoes. Also, her arms look crazy amazing.

JORDIN SPARKS
gown by Nicole Miller, shoes by Sam Edelman

I think this is the first time Jordin has worn something I don’t hate, so congratulations! Gold and black are a pretty obvious way to aim for divaliciousness, but at least the dress is interesting and flattering. The shoes and purse are a little expected, but compared to the hot messes on the red carpet, this was practically perfect.

CIARA
gown by Pamella Roland

It fits her perfectly and she looks gorgeous in it, but I’m never going to swoon over a dress I’ve seen six thousand times before. A real diva invents her own style; only imposters resort to copying tired trends.

DEMI LOVATO
dress by Topshop

Demi, do yourself a favor and fire your makeup artist. That drag queen covers you in so many layers of paint that it’s impossible to even see you. You’re far too young and pretty to be hiding under a mask. At least the dress is cute, if a little underwhelming for the event. But the plain black pumps are a big disappointment.

ELISHA CUTHBERT
purse by Dominie

I dig the hair, the earrings, and the faux tee shirt part of the gown. The top of it is really lovely, but I don’t think the skirt hangs in a particularly nice way, and the red satin platforms are all kinds of tacky.

KELLY OSBOURNE
dress by Paule Ka, purse by Edie Parker, shoes by Charlotte Olympia

I think the dress and purse are kind of sweet (though her breasts look like they’re suffocating), but those shoes are atrocious. The purple hair is bad enough, but adding a cat eye and coral lipstick just makes her look like a cartoon character, and not in an endearing way.

KELLY ROWLAND
shoes by Nicholas Kirkwood

Kelly Rowland, you can qualify as a diva because you were in Destiny’s Child and that’s awesome, but this giant wrinkly mess is all wrong for you. I don’t particularly love the color, and the tailored items like the breast pocket and lapel don’t work at all in this silk, which shows every seam and wrinkle. The train is downright stupid, and the shoes are terrible.

STACY KEIBLER
suit by Monique Lhuillier, purse by Giuseppe Zanotti, shoes by Jimmy Choo

The hair and makeup is straight off the Jersey Shore, and the leather panels on her spandex-looking pants aren’t exactly elevating the look. Everything is so tight, it looks like it’s been painted on her.

AMBER RILEY

Amber Riley can sing like a true diva, but she has not learned the important diva lessons: 1) Avoiding two-tone hair, and 2) the proper way to mix blue and black. Blue suede peep-toes and an LBD do not a diva make, dear readers.

JENNA DEWAN-TATUM
gown by Temperley London, shoes by Brian Atwood

Listen, I love a good, “Hey world! I’m pregnant!” dress as much as the next Beyonce fan, but holy hell, Jenna, this doesn’t even cover half of your breasts. And between the very dated baby blue color, the overzealous makeup, and the beauty pageant hair, she’s looking more like a pregnant prom queen than anything else. Not remotely divalicious.

MILEY CYRUS
dress by Omo by Norma Kamali, shoes by Jean-Michel Cazabat

For the love of God, this is what passes for a diva? She looks like Billy Idol and Ellen Degeneres had a really, really poorly dressed baby. Listen, I remember VH1’s Divas Live 1998. I listened to Tina Turner and Celine Dion screaming “River Deep, Mountain High” until I wore out the damn CD. That show had some mother-fucking DIVAS. What is VH1’s excuse now? And it’s not that there are no divas left in 2012 – I suppose it’s simply that Lady Gaga, Adele, and Beyonce, being ACTUAL DIVAS, have way better shit to do than attend some event that pretends Pitbull and Miley Cyrus are divas.

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© Democracy Diva, 2012.
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