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FAN BINGBING vs. KATHARINE MCPHEE

Fan: Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m happy we’re starting off this battle in bright colors. Say, aren’t you that girl from Smash?

Katharine: Yes! And aren’t you like, the most famous superstar actress/fashion icon in China?

Fan: Oh, you flatter me, darling. Tell me, though – has Debra Messing finally stopped wearing those hideous scarfs? I have to admit, I kind of lost interest in the show after it jumped the shark with that Bollywood number.

Katharine: Well, I can hardly blame you for that. And I think we can all agree those scarves were an affront to fashion.

Fan: Agreed. And I must say, for an amateur, your attempt at red carpet florals is quite nice.

Katharine: Amateur? How dare you. I’ve watched Anjelica Huston throw drinks in people’s faces literally thousands of times, on and off screen. If that doesn’t make me a pro, nothing does.

Fan: That’s an excellent point. And I’ll admit, you’re more than capable of competing with me in the sparkly low-cut Elie Saab gown department.

Katharine: To be fair, it’s hard to look bad in gowns as beautiful as these.

Fan: Too true, Katharine. Unless you accessorize with one of Debra’s scarves.

Katharine: But of course. Those scarves were the biggest hot disaster on that show, save for Ellis.

LILY COLLINS vs. ISABELLE FUHRMAN

Lily: I must say, I’m a little intimidated to be battling with a knife-throwing Hunger Games tribute, even if you are like seven years younger than me.

Isabelle: I take that as a compliment! Of course, I try not to throw knives on the red carpet, but sometimes accidents happen, you know?

Lily: Um, I guess? I mean, I was in that Snow White movie, so, I didn’t really get to do a lot of bloody murdering on set.

Isabelle: Really? I sure would’ve stabbed something if I had to work with Kristen Stewart.

Lily: Well, that’s for sure. But luckily, I was in the other Snow White movie that came out this year. Don’t worry – you’re a porcelain-skinned brunette. You’ll get your own Snow White movie in five years too.

Isabelle: From your lips to Harvey Weinstein’s ears, honey.

Lily: Actually, come to think of it, we could play sisters in something! We have similar coloring and beautiful eyebrows and fabulous style, so why not?

Isabelle: Wow, that’s actually a great idea! And to think, I had a knife hidden in my purse this whole time just in case things didn’t go well!

Lily: So, are you like, method acting, or just batshit insane?

Isabelle: Oh, I’m just fucking with you, Snow White. Relax.

AMY ADAMS vs. FREIDA PINTO

Amy: Howdy, Freida! I hope you’re ready for a battle, because I might be doe-eyed and ginger-haired, but I’m here to fight.

Freida: Oh, no, not me. I plan on beating you without lifting so much as a finger, you see.

Amy: Oh, that’s how you want to play it? And you’re stealing my idea of wearing a metallic printed evening gown to battle, too?

Freida: Like you could possibly even dream of pulling off a bare midriff like this. Bitch, please.

Amy: Oh, yeah? This slit is so high I had to get my vagina removed in order to wear it. BEAT THAT.

Freida: … well, that just seems ridiculous.

Amy: We all make sacrifices for fashion, my dear. But I must say, if I had to wear a different one-shouldered ruched-bodice metallic-accented gown than the one I’m already wearing, yours would be my pick.

Freida: Mine too.

Amy: Well, if you’re going to be such a brat about it, fine. See if you can defeat my Lady-Mary-goes-to-Hollywood gown, Freida.

Freida: In my futuristic couture, I’m sure it’ll be no problem.

HAILEE STEINFELD vs. JADA PINKETT SMITH

Hailee: Oh my gosh, hi, Jada! Love your dress. And your shoes. And like, your whole entire adorable family.

Jada: Well thanks, you little cutie! I must say, those shorts are mighty fabulous.

Hailee: Oh, stop it! I wasn’t sure about them, but my stylist kept saying, “You’re only sixteen once, bitch!” so I figured I’d wear them just to shut him up.

Jada: Don’t believe it for a minute, Hailee. Follow my lead, and you’ll never look a day over 25. You’ve got a least another three years of being sixteen ahead of you.

Hailee: I don’t really understand how that works, but thanks, I guess!

Jada: You’ll get it after your first round of Botox, sweetie.

Hailee: Oh, okay, it’s like an old lady reference and that’s why I don’t get it?

Jada: Watch your mouth, kid.

Hailee: Hey, this is a BATTLE, lady, and I’ll sass if I want to.

Jada: Sass away, but I’M the fabbest of them all.

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© Democracy Diva, 2013.
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